Ellen Ripley

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“She's obviously crazy... but i would.”

“I totally would.... Wait Sigourney Weaver is female?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ellen Ripley aka Sigourney Weaver

Ellen Ripley or Sigourney Weaver (the names are interchangeable) is the only person known to have survived numerous xenomorph attacks. In fact, to this day only her word has been used to substantiate the existence of xenomorphs. Her son is Joaquin Phoenix. She remains to this day a militant feminist, even though she sometimes seems to lead a life of submission, such as in 2500 when Ellen seemingly disappeared from public life to live in the middle of a gorilla-infested forest, presumably to avoid xenomorphs. She is also the author of Ripley's Believe it or Not, a rambling, delusional autobiography written during her incarceration on that prison planet, whatever it was called.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Ellen Ripley presumably has had numerous "early lives". Ellen claims to have been cloned and now part of her DNA is Xenomorph DNA. Most consider these to be false claims from this woman who first entered the public eye for allegedly "finding a Sumerian god in her refrigerator". The woman is clearly a compulsive liar. Parasitic reproduction? Acid for blood? Penis-like head? Clearly, she is out of her tiny little mind because no organism like this can possibly exist. Personally, I think Ellen Ripley is just some bitch trying to make money, but I digress. It's absurd, the lies this woman tells.

Numerous "credible" Psychoanalysts such as Sigmund Freud and Isaac Newton have weighed in on the debate. They believe that the whole Xenomorph nonsense is a pathological symbol of her repressed sexual urges, an elaborate hoax used to personify the murdering impulse within her that has, so far, claimed the lives of hundreds, brought about the destruction of over 30 billion credits worth of Company and Military spacecraft and equipment, and resulted in an undisclosed number of very expensive cover-ups.

Alien monster, or "Gap Sickness"?[edit | edit source]

During Ellen's much publicized trial for the ambush and murder of the Nostromo's crew, the Defence's strategy relied on the "Gap Sickness" explanation for her insanity. Miss Ripley, they insisted, was born with a congenital compulsion to activate the self-destruct systems of any starship she found herself on. Psi-Judge Anderson ruled her unfit to stand trial, and she was remanded to therapy on that asylum planet from that episode of Star Trek.

The strange case of the Sulaco[edit | edit source]

Artist representation of so-called "Xenomorph". Obviously bullshit.

In 2347, the Space Marines, in order to boost recruitment, repealed Section 8, and began a campaign to enlist cadets from insane asylums. Ripley was conscripted and sent with her new squad to a routine Bug-Hunt on a Shake and Bake Colony in the Rim. What happened next is not entirely clear, but later investigation revealed that Private Ripley somehow crashed the Sulaco's shuttle, activated the colony reactor's self destruct, and depressurized the entire vessel through the cargo airlock before retiring to a well-earned cryogenic nap. The entire crew, consisting of a lean, tough marine squadron with everything to prove, the commanding officers, the pilots, the ship's android, and one civilian, was never found. They are presumed to have been vaporized by the colony's reactor breach incident.

The "Death" of Ellen Ripley[edit | edit source]

Sentenced to life without parole on a prison moon, Ellen turned to religion. This was short lived, however, and the killings soon started again. She had been prudently incarcerated in a facility with no self-destruct mechanism, as a precaution against her unique disorder. Thus frustrated, Ripley decided instead to flood the place with molten lead and then jump into it. And so she did.

Tactical Ripley-based Weapons Program[edit | edit source]

By this time, the military began to take interest in this strange woman's destructive potential. Every place she had been, every ship she had ever been on, was depopulated and blown up in a matter of days, sometimes hours. It was theorized that an army of Ripley's would be unstoppable, and could cripple an enemy's infrastructure and Defences while simultaneously spreading demoralizing rumours about face-raping alien monsters among enemy troops. So they attempted to clone her, with predictable results. The ship was destroyed, and everyone on board was killed.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

Trivia sections are Shazbot!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

  • Ellen aka Sigourney likes to take on many disguises, and can usually be seen running from dangerous creatures of varying origins.
  • Likes to help out law enforcement frequently. She's helped numerous police agencies catch copycat serial killers.
  • after her first arrest as a con-artist, Ellen aka Sigourney was estranged from daughter Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who changed her name to J-Lo to escape the crushing shame.
  • In addition to mass murder, she has been convicted of fraud and conspiracy to fraud by the State of New York. She turned state's evidence and served a minimum sentence of 50 years in Cryosleep.
  • She has at varying times, claimed to be a concert cellist, a licensed space pilot, an art historian, a "ship's concubine", a nuclear physicist, an Orion slave girl, and Princess Leia, none of which is true
  • Self-Destruct countdowns cause her to become sexually aroused, and she will take her clothes off if you count backwards from thirty in a clear, strident monotone.
  • Is 8ft tall.

See also[edit | edit source]