Ecclesiastes

The preacher. Artwork by Donatello, Raphael, Leonardo and Michelangelo

Ecclesiastes is one of the last books of the old testament, and one of the K'tuvim. Written by an anonymous preacher, it teaches you how to run a Church, and is famous for coing the word "Pope", "Oversight" and "Deacon". The Book is known for the misconception it was written by an optimistic nihilist, which has given it an important standing against the Atheist fandom. You can read it here (unfortunately the church running thing has been removed by these damned liberal vandals who wants to keep the atheist masses in dark).

Preface

A tired preacher wastes his time giving a depressing sermon on the futility of human life without God. He recounts his former life of hedonism and materialism, and likens them to "chasing the wind". He then proves how atheism leads to despair by describing how the evil lead a good life and the good are miserable, and both go to the nothing who created them, and forget everything, meaning we all are forced to live like reckless selfish hedonists and never improve ourselves, all while sarcastically framing it as the best thing ever. In this way, he proves how Christianity is superior since it says the aforementioned things above are all lies, and you can lead a good life after death if you're scared of God and blindly obey His command of not hating anybody.

Step 1: Bishops

“Each important city's church shalt have an "Oversight". He'll be given dominions over all other churches in the land”

~ Ecc 19:2

The preacher, after explaining what makes a city important and what is a church, handles out his requirements on how a bishop should be

• He wants there to be one bishop for each church in each capital. Not two, not three, but one, which is the number of ribs God plucked out of some caveboi 600 to 12 000 000 years ago to make an opposite-sex clone of him. For this matter, as the church is married to its head, and we should follow God's perfect design for couples, the bishop must be one man. Meaning there should only be one bishop. Kapish?
• This bishop must be a male manly man, meaning:

1. He should be obsessed with violence
2. He should hate sugar, as Hitler ate sugar, and he was a vegetarian atheist eunuch(the opposite of manliness).

1. He should have a really long and messy beard. One that sticks out like a sheep's wool
2. Woe to him if he's not big and strong(by that we mean he should be able to carry at least one throne and be at least as tall as 530.46 cubits)
3. He must be married to a woman. And only to a woman! He's guilty of an eternal sin if he as much as enjoys the company of men.
4. His last chromosome should be a Y, as proof he's male. If he's female, then he's ungodly, because God is a man (He created man in His direct image, and created women in man's image, meaning women are men- Uh, let me say that again. Anyways God is a spirit, and spirits have no gender, meaning He's not female. Since males too aren't females, God is a man. Kapish?)

• The Bishop should not see himself as a good person "lest he be puffed up with arrogance and become the devil and Satan, who is a demon, a liar, the devil, lies, is a liar and is Satan the demon who is a lying liar that lies"(Ecc 19:42)
• This Bishop must be heterosexual. The preacher argues that being gay is wrong, since you know it squicks out God. You wouldn't want to squick out your Heavenly Father, wouldn't you? Homosexuality once caused God to vomit fire on Sodom, a place he chose to vomit on because of the stupid anti-almsgiving laws.
• He must be single. If he was married, he would have "defiled himself with women, who are not the church". Nevermind that this contradicts the thing above. You know what? He must be asexual.
• If the Bishop is ever wrong, that means he's not filled with the infallible Holy Smith of Truth, and is thus not worthy of his position. He should be uncrowned immediatly!
• He should always, even when he sleeps, wear a big oval hat with a red cross on it.
• He must not poo or pee, things which are abominations before God since they're gross.

Step 2: The Pope

The preacher begins to describe the papal election process.

“And then thou shalt giveth twelve Bishops additional responsibilities each Passover(if there aren't any who currently have them) and nice red uniforms, and name them after a bird. When the current leader shalt resign or die, thou shalt locketh them up in a room, and starveth them until they choose who among them will beeth the next Pope. If they dareth choose themselves, they shalt surely be put to sea, on Rhode Islande”

~ Ecc 25:6

He then describes how God ordained the Pope with His predestination-based chaos magic, and gave him the gift of infallibility. However, if the claim contradicts a previous Pope's claim or established scripture, or is irrelevant to the faith or to morals, the Holy Ghost will possess somebody and scream in a booming deep voice: THIIS IIS THEE AANTIICHRIIST!!!, and the Pope shall immediatly be fired and never ever replaced by any pope. This will prepare the Church for the Second Coming of YHWH, where God will judge you all, and reward the faithful with a new pope, who is a warrior and the Messiah.

Step 3: Priests

Just kidding there are no priests. It's all a trick stolen from paganism by these damn dirty liberals to infect the church. If the church ever finds out it has priests, thou shalt subsist on worms alone.

Real Step 3: Pastors

WARNING! This is really hard to understand, and the Ketuvim Scribes Guild has gotten countless angry letters from people. If anything sounds offensive here, remember we aren't responsible for any emotional damage this may cause you. That is all.

An average layman. Notice the pastor behind.

In this chapter, the Preacher tells an explanatory and offensive story about how the laypeople of the church are sheeple. And sheep need shepherds. So, the preacher decided, there must be some shepherd for each non-bishop church. They are known as "Pastors" due to feeding their sheep with pastures of boring dictator-sounding big noisy words. To join, you must first have been ordained by the Pope with a magic spell known as "Ordainmento". The pastor has the duty of baptizing, feeding Passover lamb, marrying together people OF THE OPPOSITE SEX, listening to long-winded confessions of all the evil things and tiny transgressions you've done in your life, leading prayer services, listening to complaints about "satanic" things in shows, and struggling with attractions to children or men.

Step 4:Monks

The preacher tells a parable about a third born son who was abducted, forcibly ordained and adopted by an old man with a fancy pseudonym. This child then spent his life praying and writing books. He shaved his head and always wore a brown robe. He then explains how this should be done to every third-born son, thus setting up the practice of building castles on islands. After naming this type of person monk, he thought: "What if that was a woman who did this? I don't wanna be sexist!" Then he explained what the heck is a penguin, and explained women should be given this clothing at all times. He called them "Nuns" after listing the "Nones" they vowed to do. He named, of course, the nun after the "None" he just explained, because he thought it would be a good tongue-in-cheek to the fact there are just so many things they couldn't do! Here's a list of them:

• 1:Thou shalt not marry or have sex.
• 2:Thou shalt not leave the nunnery, unless thou art allowed by the nun in charge
• 3:Thou shalt not become a Miko, lest thou turneth into a pagan, and the LORD thy GOD is a very jealous god, and will proceed to insult the Shinto spirits.
• 4:Thou shalt not wear anything else than the penguin habit, lest people think thou art something else than a nun, and it's bad to inspire false ideas about thyself.
• 5:Thou shalt not disobey the nun in charge, for she is your Mother.
• 6:Thou shalt not question her actions, for she does have the right to change the Law as she sees fit. If her Law leads to somebody being harmed, the one who exposed her shalt be the new Mother, and possibly be even worse...
• 7:She cannot change this law or the one above, lest YHWH zap thee with His holy lightning.
• 8:Thou shalt not break any of these commandments, lest you be transferred to the colonies on Samaritan Land, and nobody likes Samaritans.
• 47:Thou shalt not break the commandment above, nor any of the commandments, nor this one, lest thou shalt be guilty of breaking the one above.
• 95:Thou shalt not expose redundancies here, lest thou be found guilty of breading the eighth.
• 108:Thou shalt not put pineapple on pizza, for it is an Abomination, meaning it goes against mine Health regulationne.

After this long jumble of paradoxes, the preacher gives a sermon so very loud nobody can discern anything but AAUJAAAVVAAAHHAVVAAAUUJUA!!!!!!!!!!! *5 bible-thumpings* DOHOHOOHNEEEIIIT!!!!!!!!*more bible-thumpings*NOOOOAAAUUGHH!!!!!!!!!, then, in a wonderful twist of events, replies: Do NOT let that happen. He claims that, if the church degenerates into this, "one of the monks shall realize the church is unbiblical, fixate his 95 pieces of eight on each door, and lead an armed rebellion against the Pope, who at this time would be called Leo X. This monk's name shalt be somewhat close to Nbsujbo Mfbuifs. About one letter behind.... And he shall feed on a diet of worms".