Cost schedule for buying the US government

The Republican Party does not use a gold standard in ethics; any cash money will do.

According to Republican ethics expert Jack Abramoff, shortly after the President's selection by the Supreme Court in 2000 one could buy 15 minutes with the President for $25,000. (This is based on the price Abramoff charged to meet the President on May 9, 2001; the money wasn't given directly to George "Gimme!" Bush but paid to a front organization called Rich Republican Bastards^®.) However, only a year later, Abramoff told another petitioner to cut Republicans checks totaling $336,000—so it appears the the price schedule for being heard in Washington is rising faster than the price of a shiny new Las Vegas transvestite.

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Senator "$140 Thousand" Santorum refusing to answer questions about his Cambodian girl and the cocaine.

Washington DC, 1/13/2006 (UncP)

    Senator Rick "Dirty Money" Santorum, recipient of Senate's largest bribes from lobbyists, has been selected by the Republicans to investigate bribes paid to senators by lobbyists.

"If the boys will step up to the plate and give me another $140,000 we can wrap this up real quick, everyone goes home happy, business as usual, nudge nudge wink wink," said Senator Santorum.

In fact, the Senator actually got $145,946 from lobbyists in the last election cycle, so he is offering a de facto discount of $5946—pretty generous of him, we would opine. It is believed that he also received a 15-year-old Cambodian girl named Phu Kmee, three kilos of cocaine, and a strap-on conscience neutralizer which allows him to rationalize corruption. But these "gifts" are not documented (for obvious reasons) and the Senator only got a shit-eating look on his face when Uncyclopedia reporters asked about them.

How Much Would You Need to Buy a Republican?

Well, it depends on the status of the Republican in question. Abramoff channeled $57,000 into special funds to buy Tom "The Hummer" DeLay. On the other hand, Roy Blunt with a side of fries and coleslaw only cost Abramoff $8500.

But it must be remembered that Abramoff is a privileged player and generally does not pay retail prices. He was on the President's transition team in 2000, he solicited $1 million from Russian gangsters for their fellow thugs in the Republican Party; and for the President's own 2004 re-election campaign Abramoff raised "about $100,000" and was awarded the "Bush Pioneer Sugar-Daddy Medal" for his efforts—one of only six lobbyist-pirate-ninjas to win that honor.

(Oddly enough, starting in November 2005, George "GeeDubya" Bush does not know who Jack Abramoff is. "Uh, never heard of him, don't know what he looks like, never met him, didn't steal his jacket at a fundraiser in 1998 and find a half-empty pint of bourbon in the inside pocket" says Dubya "Forgetful" George.)

At any rate, the average American schmuck should expect to pay at least $10,000 for a standard-model Republican with low miles and good tires; and upwards of $100,000 for one with factory hot air and all the options.

What About Special-Order Purchases?

Desired Action	Donation Required
Elimination of consumer bankruptcy protections	$$$$$$$$ $40,000,000
Access to foreign country's oilfields	$$$$$$$$$$ $1,600,000,000
Opening public forests to unrestrained private logging (Healthy Forests Act)	$$$$$$$ $5,000,000
$53 billion per year in drug-company Medicare profits	$$$$$$$$$ $140,000,000
Reduced controls on air pollution (Clear Skies Initiative)	$$$$$$$ $4,000,000

Many prospective buyers want specific legislation and prefer not to buy a whole senator or congressman. (In fact the usual procedure is to put money down for specific action during a specific time; all decent God-fearing Republicans stay bought only until someone else pays them off.)

Nevertheless, from Indian casinos to public lands to personal honor, anything is for sale under the Republican leadership.

Does This Mean American Democracy Is For Sale?

No, no, of course not. What is for sale is the Republican Party—which is an oligarchy. It is opposed to democracy.

In an oligarchy, a privileged class—in this case Rich Republican Bastards^® -- hold power, not the people. In a nominal democracy like Egypt or America or Russia, elections are controlled not by the citizens, the Constitution, or Daffy Duck; they are controlled by the money of the ruling elite. These so-called democracies are really oligarchies. The men with the money buy the means to maintain their own power. And then they use their power to increase their wealth...increasing their ability to buy power.

This "two-stroke power cycle" is of course is the modus operandii of the Republican Party in the USA.

One could not buy the democracy created by Tom "Liberty Or Death" Paine, Thomas "Freethinker" Jefferson, James "Big Jim" Madison, and the other Founding Fathers; however, one can buy the current Republican oligarchy.

To be fair, we note that Democrats are for sale also...and go for much lower prices than Republicans, seeing as they have had no influence on the wrecking of America for the last five years.

AND...parenthetically we must note that Senator Robert Byrd, Dem-W.Va, is not only not for sale, he is the only current US senator scientifically proven to have actual testicles.

Members of the Saudi royal family, solid Bush supporters, have given roughly $1.477 billion to the Bush dynasty over the years. They have also given Al Qaeda several million.

What About Freedom Of Speech?

Citizens of the USA are free to talk until their butts turn blue. But if you want the Republican Administration, the Senate, or the House to listen, you need money. Speech is free; Republicans cost money.

How Does One Go About Purchasing A Republican?

The traditional way is to put the purchase price in his "re-election campaign fund". If you are legally prohibited from contributing—because you are a Saudi Arabian prince whose other big charity cause is Al Qaeda, for instance—then you should simply funnel the funds through a third party. Expect this go-between to take a juicy cut of the action.

Cash money is best, but if you must use a check please make it untraceable. Be advised the the Republican Party does not take PayPal.

Hot young girls may be taken in part payment for some Republicans -- many of them are known adulterers, including Bob Barr, Henry Hyde, and Dan Burton. Most horny Republicans prefer undocumented female sex-slaves from Malaysia or Uzebekistan.

A few can be bought with a clean young Sudanese boy, providing he has good legs and no dental problems.

See also

• George Bush: chronicle of greatness—The master article in this series.

• American Commitment to the Rights of Man -- Analysis of the Bush administration's regard for the universal rights of man as described in the American Declaration of Independence.

• NeoContract with America -- A precís of the Bush Administration's philosophy of government as regards fiscal policy, accountability to the people, and energy policy. Also touches on historical precedents, and the role of the Republican Party.

• NSA fisting -- An in-depth look at the procedures authorized by the Bush Administration for domestic surveillance of Americans.

• Operation Enduring Truth -- A report on the success of the campaign to win the hearts and minds of the Vietnamese Iraqis through use of paid propaganda.

• Reconstruction of Iraq -- A look at Bush's masterful "Marshall Plan for the Towelheads" and its beneficiaries.

• Search and Seizure -- An analysis of the administration's authorization of extra-judicial surveillance measures to be used against American citizens.

• US Fiscal Policy: Starving the Beast by Feeding It -- A look at the Bush fiscal policy and its implementation.