Corporate philosophy

“My company is the best.”

~ Everyone on why their company rocks

“We kill kittens but we have a babyfoot and twinkies.”

~ Thanos on why you should work for him

Having all engaged full throttle in the job application process, the new employees are an invaluable asset, however imbecile they are. No matter what, only through constant progress and growth can they become the hand on the enemy's throat; a training regime is proposed here.

Target

A cool CEO always highlights the tremendous deeds of those he is firing.

Corporate philosophy is aimed primarily at the young since, for their first job, their brains are usually not yet finished and they believe everything you tell them – particularly that they are rock stars saving the planet by doing extra-hours pizza delivery. Unfortunately, after a while they become intelligent, and thus the time has come to fire them for being old, which happens as soon as they start asking questions (at 35~40 years old). It is customary to highlight their contributions during their career at the company to justify firing them. Their contributions were that amazing, and a corporate CEO always makes sure they know that before they are terminated!

Work

Work is defined as the time spent on writing sparse and simple yearly, quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily reports, justifying corporation's illegal activities, and being scolded by managers. For guidance on bathroom use, see Recreation.

Begin

At 5 in the morning, the employees will wake up to ash and dust and "Baby" by Justin Bieber, which will instantly send their brains booming and their inspirations spewing, preparing them for success. With our professional motivators gently waking them, the employees' sleepiness will be annihilated like a turtle torn to pieces in a volcanic eruption. They should be exhilarated to begin their day immediately.

Afterwards, they shall brush their teeth and get dressed simultaneously, while meditating on the sense of fulfillment from this job and gain a deeper understanding of the corporate philosophy, improving their mindfulness and spirituality.

Bestest food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Available in abundance 24/7.

During work

To further the "Customer First" corporate strategy, employees will be required to predict the telephone calls and pick up the receiver immediately after each customer has finished dialing. This is a crucial step to survive the competition in the market. As calls come sparsely – only once a minute – time spent on answering them does not count as work time.

When working during meal time, energy will be provided in the form of total enteral nutrition solutions, so as to combat the prevalence of junk food in offices and prevent obesity in this humanitarian corporation. Furthermore, employees have the freedom to choose between annelid and pickle flavor – on birthdays a special cake flavor is available by mixing both!

Reports

As a prestigious and coherent world-class corporation, our employees' reports must be comprehensive in coverage, elegant in style, concise in length, and detailed in content. The corporation values individuality, but employees are expected to conform to the given list of words, designated sentence structures, and provided content. As a philanthropic corporation, our employees should engage in loving actions, photo-taking with hospitalized elderly people, and inciting negative sentiments to opponents' products. The corporation does not endorse monopoly, but it is vital to strike down the claims of competitors and guard the public good by destroying every opponent.

Leaving work

This part is deliberately left unspecified to let ideas fly!

Recreation

Stress management

A sedentary lifestyle is a risk factor of stress-related illnesses, possibly negatively affecting employees' mental and physical health; emotional pain, however, often pushes poetry production. Channeled toward appreciation of the corporation, poetry becomes a great way of expression, entertainment, and self-motivation. Praising others and thinking positive can definitely improve mental health. In turn, this motivation can be channeled to yet more work, forming a virtuous circle.

Bathroom use

For security reasons, employees are allowed to use the bathroom only three times a day; aside from that, using the bathroom is a great way to entertain. Consider the feeling of shit coming out of the ass.

It is unthinkable for employees to pause during work, so they will multitask during excretion to produce a critical evaluation report on their new plans of self-improvement and career development after the bathroom trip.

Counseling

Our world-class, hand-picked, specially-trained, warm-hearted, home-made aversive-based applied behavior analysis programs always have your back! Quenching millions of their doubts toward working, employees have unanimously benefited from our professional trainers. Unfortunately, a few former workers have been spreading misinformation on our healing angels, painting them as shock-crazy, sadistic, or "torture chamber lords". This is not true, since the perpetrators are clinically insane and their words are nothing more than mad babble.

Woke (sometimes confused with Work)

"We were thinking teletubbies ..."
— Lockheed Martin's CEO

A corporate mentality ensure everyone is welcomed. Of importance is the fact that no one feels discriminated for being a one-legged lesbian dwarf Eskimo self-identifying as an elf, thanks to being promoted as Chief of the Employees Health & Sport Department. CEOs are very inclusive; in fact, if they could become transgenders they would! Yeah, they would go to the surgeon, and they would show all these Nazis! But they can't, because they are too busy promoting Eskimos, so they compete for who is leading the most woke company through intensive advertising and rainbow logos.

The Covid-19 Officer

In corporate companies, the welfare and security of employees is paramount. Therefore, when the ultra-dangerous flu made its appearance, panic reached management, and the Employees Welfare SS (Security Staff) Division was tasked with creating something to help eradicate illness-induced leave. As a result, they picked whoever [recte whomever? damifino] had one or two days of first-aid formation, and promoted them as Chief Super Intendant Great Stalag Kommandant. Those were in charge of making sure no one gets to the coffee machine without following the restricting lifesaving ground markings leading to it. An elite corporate SS investigation team was then assembled with the purpose of denouncing anyone who did not wear the mask. This era was particularly popular among coworkers who couldn't bear each other or were waiting for a promotion.

Burnout

Aristotle showing off like the young talent he is.

Corporate companies are at the forefront of innovation in terms of recruitment. Their experts make sure that only the most desirable individuals are filtered out during the recruitement process so as to keep only people loaded with qualities such as proactivity, initiative, problem-solving skills, communication skills, passion about their job, and organizational skills. This often includes people like the CEO's son, his friends, and people of colors with a master's degree in looking-good-in-the-diversity-ads, mostly because they intrinsically possess all of the aforementioned qualities. Such dedication to purge every person not deemed of value to the company led to an amazing improvement known as quiet quitting. This new positive phenomenon seems to affect only companies which successfully ejected competent workers and now have to deal with burnout because actual work need, surprisingly, to be done.

Conclusion

A good corporation puts the satisfaction of customers first and profit last; a good manager should mainly focus on democratic ideologies, humanitarian managing, and employee happiness; a good employee should always act obediently as instructed. The catch-all solution for work life imbalance is simple: to convert life into work itself.

See also

• Product
• Product placement