Humanitarian
A humanitarian is a person who follows a strict diet consisting only of humans. Though in modern times this usually arises out of ethical concern for animals, plants, and fungi, many humanitarians simply love the taste of human flesh, and others are misanthropists.
The International Humanitarian Ethical Union discourages the use of the word cannibal to describe humanitarians, as it is offensive and carries significant sociopolitical baggage.
History[edit | edit source]
Humanitarianism evolved spontaneously in several human cultures, beginning out of necessity and continuing out of love for the taste. The practice of eating only humans was known to the ancient Greeks, who ascribed it to the Persians, although Xerxes insisted that this was a mistranslation.
Jesus is known to have advocated humanitarianism shortly before his death, telling his apostles to eat his body and drink his blood. When questioned by the Romans, they said he had been resurrected and ascended to heaven. The Romans bought the story, ultimately bringing about a religion known as Christianity.
According to Josephus, there was a humanitarian in 70 CE who lived among the Jews in Jerusalem and ate her own baby, which is why to this very day, Jewish boys are still afraid of their mothers.
In medieval Europe humanitarianism was looked down upon but much enjoyed, especially during famines and crusades. The American colony of Jamestown was founded by humanitarians who wanted to be able to live their lifestyle in peace, free from persecution. Today this is often euphemized by historians as a desire for religious freedom.
Motivations[edit | edit source]
Humanitarians may choose to only eat humans for various reasons: health, necessity, or ethics. Below are some of the most common reasons.
Ethics[edit | edit source]
Ethical humanitarianism often grows out of veganism, as this is an ideology seeking to minimize the suffering of all animals, and the eating of humans is a net gain for the animal kingdom. Ex-vegan humanitarians usually strive to eat humans in the most ethical possible way by asking for their consent prior to consumption. It could be said that this is the highest form of veganism, as it only involves the consumption of life forms who have agreed to be eaten.
Since the worldwide outbreak of malaise in the 1970s, there have been an ever-increasing number of people consenting to be eaten by humanitarians. Such consenting meat often comes from members of the working class who cannot afford mental health care, and whose available sources of care are often lacking. However, plenty of rich people consent to be eaten as well. No one is sure yet whether this is in imitation of people who have real problems, or whether it indicates that capitalism has ceased to function for anyone at all.
Consenting human meat is, however, still pricey and hard to come by. Hence most ethical human meat comes from the Humane Human Meat industry, where people are allowed more space to graze, fed only organic food, and ultimately have their throats slit in the prime of their lives by the most caring and compassionate butcher alive.[1]
Dietary Benefits[edit | edit source]
Humans are a particularly lean source of protein, especially if they are not American. The eating of humans has become a popular dietary trend ever since it was learned that famous old British guy Anthony Hopkins owes his longevity to humanitarianism.
Human meat is also gluten-free, although people who have legitimate reasons to avoid gluten should be careful to only eat people who are on gluten-free diets.
Concern for the Environment[edit | edit source]
Humanitarianism is obviously good for the environment, because humans are bad for the environment. It is widely acknowledged that a reduction in the number of humans would be the best possible solution to climate change. The argument is fairly straightforward: humans cause climate change, so if you eat more humans, there will be less climate change.
Medicine[edit | edit source]
Humanitarianism is universally acknowledged by doctors as an effective last-resort treatment for starvation, but it is not believed to have any other medical use. Nevertheless, practitioners of alternative medicine may tout humanitarianism as a cure for almost any mental illness. It is especially popular as a treatment for psychopathy, although there is little evidence to suggest that it has any greater effect than placebo, and it may even exacerbate the problem.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Since humanitarians are often persecuted for their love of human flesh,[2] they have developed a snarky culture of sarcastic responses to non-humanitarians who lecture them about their diet:
- Non-humanitarian: That was my wife you just ate, you disgusting cannibals!
- Humanitarians: Mmm, human!
- Non-humanitarian: But don't you see, I loved her!
- Humanitarian 1: I see your point, but she was just soooo delicious! I'm not saying you're wrong, I just looove the way she tasted!
- Non-humanitarian: Fuck you, psychopath!
- Humanitarian 2: Now now, you'll never get us to stop eating humans with that attitude. Why are non-humanitarians so in-your-face about their ethical beliefs? You're only furthering the stereotype that people who don't eat humans are irrational, you know.
- Humanitarian 1: Yeah. You can tell us not to eat your wife; just don't be a dick about it.
In recent years this has taken the form of widely proliferated memes.