Buttworm Barbecue Assball

Rule 84: If a snowball mountain of buttworms forms spontaneously on the playing field, do not be alarmed, simply climb on top of it before it gets going too fast and ride it down the stretch like a massive rotund donkey.

Buttworm Barbecue Assball is a sport. Invented at the dawn of the 20th century by none other than the ultimately revered Professor Dickbutt Assdick, it is popular in seven countries worldwide, with an estimated four hundred professional and amateur (there is no difference) players. These figures don't account for those who have died while playing Buttworm Barbecue Assball, a number expected to be near six hundred after this year's Bronze Dickwad Tournament.

It is popular especially during times of celebration, family gatherings, holidays and the like. A favorite during Anal Twitmas as well as Perv Christmer, proponents of each holiday are often seen to take up competition against one another if they happen to be walking through the same park with all the necessary equipment. These matches become very spirited and violent, and rarely end in a decisive result, before things simply turn into an all-out brawl to test who is the most masculine. The masculinity tests do typically end in a decisive result, however.

Basic rules[edit | edit source]

Round 1[edit | edit source]

The game has two teams, one consisting entirely of Caucasians, the other of African-Americans. each team has 6 players, with the goal of bringing as many buttworms to one of the 2 grills on either side of the field and cooking them thoroughly. players can only move around the field whilst the buttworms are snugly inserted in their anus. the player can however have multiple buttworms up his ass at once. any moves and attacks are allowed, which are done by using horse testicles.

Round 2[edit | edit source]

after ten minutes, the buttworms are counted and eaten by the judges, commonly with barbecue sauce. whoever has the most buttworms gets to keep their horse testicles, while the loser loses theirs, along with their hands, ears, and genitalia, usually through the process of a rocket propelled chainsaw. they are then sent out to fight to the death. with the winner of the first round at an advantage, they are usually the winners of the second. the battle ends when all of one teams heads are gone.

The Six Ultimate Butt Rules[edit | edit source]

The referee (in the background) is having a hard time trying to decide which team should be given the handicap in this gravitationally imbalanced match-up.

There are six major rules in Buttworm Barbecue Assball that are traditionally upheld in all levels of play in all countries, albeit with occasional slight modifications to appease regional preferences and local law:

Rule 1 - The in-play ground rule - Only instated within the past thirty years of competition, the in-play ground rule dictates that while the homunculus is on the field, all players must make a sincere and honest effort to give it at least thirty seconds of fellatio per period. Those who do not will be disqualified, and the quality of the fellatio is at the referee's discretion. This rule serves to weed out many of the players as the game goes on, leaving a much less crowded field by the end, when all the important stuff happens.
Rule 2 - Lava lamps are prohibited during the first and eleventh overtime dances. - It is speculated that lava lamps give players on the Maroon Team an unfair and substantial advantage during these two periods of play, because this is when the buttworms are at their most voracious, and therefore are known for influencing the score to anything resembling a dirty word or bodily fluid. Buttworms are extremely skilled at LED manipulation and therefore it is no problem for them to take a number flasher and rearrange the lights to appear to show a large steaming poo, at their discretion.
Rule 3 - Gradual buildup of gravitational force rule. - As the game progresses, it is common (as a result of Rule 972, the Al Pacino wearing a muumuu rule), that players may gain a significant amount of weight, even to the point of becoming gravitationally significant. This is not prohibited, but if a player is deemed to have gained too large an amount of gravity at too slow a pace, they will be called for babysitting the fabric of space, and be forced to sit out until they have returned to their original size, often effectively ending their game, as by the time of their return most other players will have reached a size sufficient to crush them immensely. Gravity gained per hour of individual players is typically measured with a mercury thermometer.
Rule 4 - If before the end of regulated play a team has attained a lead of higher than 89 bowls, they are given free reign to molest all members of the opposing team. - A controversial rule owing to the selection of a non-round number for the deciding score, this mercy rule dictates that immediately following the acquisition of the full barbecue butt bowl that sends the winning team to an 89 bowl lead, the opposing team forfeit their bodies for perverse sexual use of the winning team, at their full discretion. It has been proposed in recent years that discretion be hanged and the winning team be required to molest their opponents, and while certain local variants have undertaken this unofficial stance, it has not yet been adopted into the official rulebook of Buttworm Barbecue Assball, which is written on a very large oak leaf.
Rule 5 - No going "Neener-neener-neener." - It's just annoying. Stop it. Doing so will result in immediate disqualification and/or other punishment.
Rule 6 - If you find yourself dead as a result of playing Buttworm Barbecue Assball, locate the nearest referee immediately. - In the case of your untimely demise, you will be immediately disqualified if you do not make a full effort to report your misfortune to a Buttworm Barbecue Assball official. They can be spotted by their lack of trousers and the official insignia stitched onto their buttocks, which reads "BBA - For The Families". Failure to report your own death more than three times within the course of a season will result in your being killed.
Rule 7 - Seriously, NO saying "Neener-neener-neener".

Other Rules[edit | edit source]

President Cuntlord.

In addition to the six important and irrefutable rules, there are a large number of secondary rules that are included or excluded depending on the circumstances of the event, the preferences of the players and event organizers, and the weather conditions. A long and drawn-out pre-game ritual is used to determine which rules should be instituted, and which ones should be derided publicly, although in many cases the rules are known to rotate and change regularly even during gameplay. For the five minutes following mid-game introduction of a new rule, violation of that rule is punishable by a metal post up the arse and all the way out through the throat. If the violating player has survived this punishment, he is simply roasted over a fire either way.

The book containing all of these rules is so incredibly massive that it does not actually exist, and so it would be pointless to list every one of them here. Some of the more notable and commonly used rules are:

Rule 176: Do not, for the love of fuck, ever feed the clowns helium! Why isn't this in the Big Six?!

Rule 1087 - Use of Astroturf is prohibited. - The buttworms are allergic to astroturf. This is ordinarily implemented because a buttworm with a sneezing problem is a really nasty thing to behold. It is left ambiguous, however, because some people are into that kind of shit.
Rule 286 - No child left behind. - Contrary to what the phrase might immediately make one think of, this rule has little to do with the idea of helping all children along, regardless of their privilege, capabilities or flavor. In fact it relates to the fact that barbecues are not something a child should be playing with, and if they are left unattended for too long, they're bound to start fucking around with the barbecues, and even though it would fall right in line with the spirit of things if a few of them were to get burnt crispy, nobody wants to have to postpone the match so that they can scrape children off of the barbecues. It's like postponing The Sour Cream Show because you have to go shovel the walk. And the walk happens to have a couple of tootsie rolls hanging around.
Rule 12 - FREE ICE CREAM FOR EVERYONE! - Ice cream is served to all participants before, after and during the match, even at crucial points in active play. The ice cream is served in a diaper, a tradition dating back thousands of years, long before it became a rule. Those who do not accept will be pushed down in the mud. If there is no mud, they will be pushed down in the ice cream.
Rule 106,907 - Only board-certified horse testicles are deemed appropriate for use. - In recent years, use of the testicles of horses that were very unhealthy, poorly groomed, or poor at following orders, and even synthetic horse testicles, have become popular due to their wider availability, lower price, and tendency to travel at a slightly higher velocity when catapulted through the ostrich house. Purists maintain that only horse bollocks of the highest quality should be used during their matches, and reject the notion that this is not one of the Six Ultimate Butt Rules, and most likely will not be in the future.
Rule 714 - The Ass Turkey Worm rule - Employment of foreign poopdicks is strictly verboten. If a player is caught brandishing an unidentified foreign poopdick, referees will have no recourse but to shoot him through the skull, immediately if not sooner. Poopdicks of any psychedelic color or silly shape will be banned at once. Nobody likes good idea of the ban poopdick POOPDICK POOPDICK POOPDICK POOPDICK POOPDICK POOPDICK!!!!
Rule 327 - Only the presiding Cuntlord may insert frosted dildoes into the fuckstump. - Most regional teams cannot afford to call in a registered official Cuntlord, and so the title is bestowed ceremonially on any one player by democratic vote, followed by bickering, followed by quitting the match before it has begun. The fuckstump can of course only be used if it is not sentient, for then its voracious appetite for phallus will not be sated merely by dildoes, and the Cuntlord will become the unfortunate victim of the fearsome Jones Crusher.
Rule 0 - Time does not exist. - Sport is titfuck. Competition is twatballs. Bitch is ass. Cuntfucker die in hell. Time does not exist so there is no game to play, there are no rules to follow, there are Time Lords of using does not be not exist. Except exist because of cuntbum by committee. Sorry.