Apricot Avenger

Apricot Avenger (水鉄砲で後ろの穴の強姦 Mizudeppou de Ushiro no Ana no Koukan or アプリコット　アベンジャー Apurikotto Abenjaa) is a Japanese video game. The protagonist flies a large space ship which shoots holy water, cleansing his enemies of their evil ways.

Storyline

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.

This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter defeat the archangel together so that Lyra and Will can save the world, Lightning McQueen loses the race, "To Serve Man" is a cookbook, Fat Albert goes to Bill Cosby to help him get back to the TV show, Silent Bob said something, the whole show was a dream in an autistic kid's head, Michael Newman wakes up in Bed, Bath and Beyond and discovers it was all a dream, R + L really does = J, Sloth is the Elric Brothers' mother, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

---

A promotional poster found in Tokyo.

The game begins when the hero, Lord Clean (クリーンさま Kuriin Sama), is disrupted by the nasty young knave, Apricot (アプリコット Apurikotto) who pulls his pants down and shows his rear to the distinguished Lord Clean, insulting his honor. You must control Clean in this initial encounter, where he tentacle rapes Apricot in retaliation. Once Apricot has escaped Clean's tentacle rape, he vows to destroy the honorable lord. To do so Apricot drinks a magical potion that turns him into a gigantic, planet sized butt. By doing this, he has thus mooned the honorable Lord Clean once again, shaming his face. To save face, you must guide Lord Clean as he becomes an expert starship pilot with no previous experience in less than one week, before Apricot releases his most powerful attack; the Wet Fart of Ultimate Doom, Death, Destruction and Armageddon (Ah hell, do you really care about the Japanese pronunciation?!) Along the way you must tentacle rape at least 42 Japanese schoolgirls, rescue one silent priest who turns out to be a princess but is later abducted by Apricot's "Kiss of Death," and, of course, use "Super Cool Special Abilities!" to save the princess so that you may win her hand in marriage! Flying an intergalactic space ship is never harder than when you have to fly towards a giant rump in the sky!

Side Quests

These quests are extra quests that help you gain money and experience along the way.

Tiny Tim-Tim (とても小さいティッム・ティッム Totemo Chiisai Timmu-Timmu)

This quest is only available just after Tentacle raping apricot. If you go into McDonald's, there will be a tall man with a limp dressed as a baby, talking to a hoe. Talking to this couple will give you the quest "Tentacle Rape the Adult Baby."

Chipp 'n' Dale (チップンデイル Chippundeiru)

This quest appears as you walk out of McDonald's upon completion of the Tiny Tim-Tim quest. You will see two people outside of Mcdonald's dressed as Chippendales. You will notice, however, that both of them are pregnant. They will be rubbing each others' stomachs and it will be your job to stop them from getting any further than that (please dont fail on this one, it can get kind of ugly if you do).

Save My Sister!

This quest is available at any time. You must go to the House next door to the spaceship bay and talk to the peasant child. He will tell you that his hot, sorority girl of a sister was recently abducted by a UFO. You must save (and Tentacle Rape) her, so that he may finish his plans of selling her on the black market to gain honor for his family.

Sewage Plant Safety Hazard

While out on your first training mission in space, you will receive a broken transmission from sector 4. You will be prompted as to whether or not you would like to help. If you do choose to help, you will need to go to sector 4 and help wash everything contaminated by the sewage plant explosion caused by Apricot's minions. Make sure to clean all the floating debris before it touches your ship, or else you will be shamed and have to start the mission over.

Race In Space

After you finish your training, a young hotshot space ship racer will challenge you to a race. If you win the race against him, then you get to tentacle rape all 4 of his sisters, each one being a sorority girl.

Fantastic Phenomena from Lord Fantastic

This quest appears after the Race in Space quest. One of your rivals, Lord Fantastic, will have found a way to manipulate his body, namely by shouting "STRETCHSTRETCHSTRETCH!!!". His body will stretch as if made of rubber, yet still be hard up against enemy attacks. Your task will be to put him in his place, showing him that he is not the most powerful Lord on this side of Kyoto!

Tentacle Raping the Crazy Cat Lady

This quest is only available after defeating Apricot, and is only possible if you have gotten the ultimate tentacle raping ability. It is only possible to do so if you complete all main quests and side quests and win all mini games on the first try.

Mini Games

You will be challenged to complete a number of mini games along your adventures that will test both your skill in video games, and your mind. You are not required to play any of these games, however you cannot tentacle rape the Crazy Cat Lady unless you do.

Ping Pong Tournament

This game is essentially a clone of the game pong, with 25 increasingly challenging levels of play. To win the tournament you must defeat One Eyed Willie, a pirate captain who has become an expert at playing the game blind, since he has 2 eyepatches. However, since he plays blind, he forces his opponents to play blind as well, since he runs the tournament. Defeating him at all is nearly impossible.

Dance Dance Revolution (ダンスダンスの革命 Dansu Dansu no Kakumei)

A typical first song in the mini game Dance Dance Revolution.

After completing the Chipp 'n' Dale quest, a large group of people will be challenging Queen Dairy to a dance contest. Queen Dairy agrees, saying that the winner will get to pick who will become the new queen. You will have to control Princess Butterworth's dancing as she tries to win the title of Dancing Queen! Push the buttons as prompted to win this challenge. This is a lot easier said than done, since all the songs performed are set to the hardest level possible and are at 5x speed.

Rochambeau

After Lord Clean wins the Race in Space, you must talk to his opponent. His opponent will be frustrated, and will challenge you to a game of Rochambeau. Since Lord Clean won the first challenge, the opponent will claim first shot in this match. When it is Lord Clean's turn begins, the camera will zoom in onto your target. two crosshairs will quickly move back and forth, and you will have to push the x button as soon as they are on top of each other. Then, a gauge will appear, and you will have to push x at the moment the gauge becomes full. The closer the crosshairs are to being together, the more accurate the kick will be (after a certain amount of inaccuracy, the kick will miss), and the closer to full that the power gauge is, the more damage will be done by the kick. This game is basically a clone of the Megaton Punch mini game from the game Kirby Super Star, except with life gauges.

In the street, you have to try to sell, sell, sell!

The Street

The Street is a card game made specific to Apricot Avenger! The decks are comprised of many unique cards, and is played on a board of 9 squares, or "clients." To play The Street, you must have a deck of at least 9 cards. You choose only 9cards to use each game. Each card has 4 different scores (each score out of 50) on it; W for Whore-ability, D for Dominatrix, S for Stripper, and T for Transvestite. These scores have many different affect how much you are paid for each client. The object of the game is to make the most money. The game starts with a coin toss to see who goes first. Whoever goes 2nd gets "home turf advantage." When you have home turf advantage, on your first turn, you may choose any client and you will be shown his preferences. The game is played by putting a card onto a square, and thus selling your card's "services" to the client on that square. Most clients have a favorite attribute, an attribute that they like, and an attribute that they hate. Your card's pay from a normal client will be increased if they have a high score in the client's favorite attributes, and decreased if they have high scores in the client's least favorite attribute. Altogether, the formula for Normal pay is ￥2*(favorite attribute)+￥1*(liked attribute)-￥1*(hated attribute). Many clients favor the stripper and whore-ability stats. However, since both you and your enemy will have 9 cards, there wont always be space to put your cards on an empty square. You may not put 2 cards on the same square, so you will be required to put cards on squares which the enemy has taken. When a second card is put on a square, the 2 cards will fight. A card's fighting strength is calculated as 2*(Dominatrix score)+1*(Transvestite score)-1*(Stripper score). The winner of the fight is normally paid ￥{2*(Winner's normal pay)+(1/2)*(Loser's normal pay)}*(Winner's Fighting strength-Loser's Fighting strength). In the case of a tie fight, each hooker normally gets paid an amount equal to the normal pay for both hookers (exceptions lsted below). Before the final battle against Apricot, Apricot will challenge Lord Clean to a game of The Street, and the winner will get the first shot.

Lord Clean's victory pose after winning a game of The Street

Special Types of Clients

Picky

If a Picky customer is entertained by a prostitute who would have less than ￥75 as a normal pay, then he will instead pay half that price. However, if she would have been at or above ￥75 normally, then she will receive double pay. Also, Picky clients always pay half on fights.

Anything Goes

A client labelled as anything goes likes all the attributes of a whore equally. Therefore, the normal pay on an anything goes client is (￥1/2){￥1*(Whore-ability)+￥1*(Dominatrix)+￥1*(Stripper)+￥1*(Transvestite)}. These clients pay double for fights.

Rare Cards

The Crazy Cat Lady

This card may only be obtained through use of hacking devices so powerful that only Japan has them, and no filthy gaijin could even comprehend the complexity of their scripts. Her Whore-ability is 75, her Dominatrix is 100, her Stripper is 25, and her Transvestite is 0.

Schizo

This card is obtained by visiting the psych ward in the hospital and tentacle raping the patient. Schizo has a multiple personality disorder, so her scores change every single game. They are all always between 0 and 100, never totaling more than 150, but never dropping below 50, although her fighting strength never totals more than 150.

Charlotte

This card is obtained by tentacle raping the Chippendale without the beard in the Chipp 'n' Dale quest. Charlotte is human, but has the ability to transform into a giant spider. Before she entertains her clients, she creates a web in the doorway, to prevent other whores from coming onto her turf. Thus, whenever a fight is started against Charlotte, the enemy's fighting strength is automatically reduced to 0. Charlotte's Whore-ability is 50, her Dominatrix is 10, her Stripper is 50, and her Transvestite is 60.

Princess Butterworth

This card is received as a bonus for successfully completing the Dance Dance Revolution quest. Princess Butterworth has 87 Whore-ability, 25 Dominatrix, 88 Stripper, and 0 Transvestite.

Do you really want this card in your deck?

George Bush

George Bush can only be obtained through a hack similar to the one needed to obtain the crazy cat lady card. However, all of George Bush's stats are 0 (except his greed, but that doesn't help his prostitution). However, any hooker that fights Bush is instantly taken out by secret service, making whichever client he covers completely unprofitable for both players.

"Super Cool Special Abilities!" (スパークースペシャーアビリティー Supaa Kuu Supeshaa Abiritii)

Each Character has many unique special abiities they can use to shame, defeat, dishonor, shame, destroy, shame, pwn, shame, beat, shame, tentacle rape, or even possibly shame their opponents. Did I mention that you can shame your opponents?

Lord Clean

Tentacle Rape-Lord Clean's most basic ability, using this will tentacle rape any opponent. However, you cannot use this ability when fighting in your spaceship, since Lord Clean has such small tentacles.

A screenshot of Lord Clean (disguised in an orange clown wig) using his kick ability. He kicks this unsuspecting man right in his tentacles!

Kick- This ability is also unusable in space, but it is potentially one of your most useful abilities. This ability kicks the opponent right where it hurts; the tentacles!

Holy Water Gun-This ability can only be used in space, since the space ship is equipped with a holy water gun (note that the gun is not holy, it is the water within the gun that is holy). The holy water will instantly purge an enemy of all evil. This is the most basic space ability.

Holy Water Bubble-This creates a protective shield of holy water around the space ship, effectively protecting it from evil attacks. This shield gets stronger as Lord Clean becomes more powerful.

Rich Slap-This attack completely shames an enemy, making most enemies run away, crying to their mommies. Lord Clean, being a rich Lord, simply takes a large wad of money in his hand and uses it to slap his enemies silly. If this attack is used on a hooker, she will respond by offering to pleasure you. Since tentacle raping school girls is much more fun, you probably shouldn't accept offers from hookers, even if they are dressed as schoolgirls.

Tentacle Enhancement-This ability is learned when Lord Clean sees a commercial for Enzute, the "Natural Tentacle Enhancer." When this ability is active, all tentacle based abilities do extra damage and have a longer range.

Holy Water Bubble Entrapment Beam-This ability shoots a beam of bubbles out of the space ship, trapping the enemy in a bubble of holy water. This renders his evil attacks useless. However, eventually, the bubble will pop, so be prepared to fight your enemy once he escapes!

Holy Water Super Soaker-This produces a powerful jet of holy water from the space ship's holy water gun.

Tentacle Trap-Lord Clean uses one of his detachable tentacles to lay a trap for unsuspecting schoolgirls. This trap will stun and silence anyone who touches it, making them vulnerable to attacks such as tentacle rape.

Tentacle Tango-When you're surrounded by angry hookers and their pimps, tentacle tango is the way to go! When using this ability, Lord Clean whirls around, lashing at all nearby objects with his tentacles. This ability is also useful if you've decided to raid a Japanese sorority house, since each victim of this attack is considered a victim of tentacle rape; dont forget that you must tentacle rape 42 Japanese schoolgirls before you can defeat Apricot!

Holy Water Anal Retentive Bead Tractor Beam- When the silent priest/princess is captured by Apricot, Lord Clean knows that only he will be able to save her, so he develops this ability to remove the princess from Apricot's "mouth," and wash her at the same time.

Holy Water Bubble Entrapment Blast-This ability blasts bubbles of holy water in all directions, capturing any evil forces those bubbles encounter. This is useful when angry hoes and their pimps get in spaceships and try to blast you down.

Ultimate Holy Water River Beam Attack X-This ability shoots a stream of holy water large enough to engulf a small planet. If this doesn't do the trick, then you're probably just screwed.

Ultimate Magic Tentacle Expansion Blast-This ability fills the current building you are in with tentacles. Everyone in the building becomes a victim of your tentacle rape, including yourself. If you are not in a building, using this ability instantly tentacle rapes all of Japan. This ability can only be acquired after you have defeated Apricot and only if you found every secret, listened to every bit of the story, and won every single mini-game on the first try. Using this ability is the only way to tentacle rape the Crazy Cat Lady.

Apricot

Moon-Apricot's most basic move, he pulls down his pants and moons his opponent. Ever since he has become planet sized, he now constantly moons all of earth, especially Lord Clean.

Lick-A tongue comes out of Apricot's "mouth" and he licks his victim. If you are his victim then he will "li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes". Most people subject to such an attack require extensive counseling, but the lucky ones immediately kill themselves out of shame.

Spit-Apricot, a lover of watermelons, spits watermelon seeds covered in his "saliva" at his opponents. The opponent's corpse is then usually burned to properly cleanse it, even if the opponent has not been defeated.

Fart-Being the size of a planet, Apricot's farts are the most lethal weapons in the galaxy, capable of wiping out entire solar systems. Every time he farts, there is an earthquake and Lord Clean cannot stand the smell without getting his nose cauterized. Since Apricot is a big fan of beans, it is suggested that you get your nose cauterized early on in the game.

Kiss of Death-Spreading his "lips" in the style of Goa Tse, Apricot "kisses" his opponent, at which point, they usually get stuck inside him. Eventually, they will be expelled, but its highly likely that they will die first.

The Wet Fart of Ultimate Doom, Death, Destruction, and Armageddon-Do I really need to explain this one?

The Crazy Cat Lady

A screenshot of the Crazy Cat Lady in the middle of a frenzied attack.

Cat Shield-This shield renders the cat lady immune to attack, and it damages anyone who touches it.

Cat Throw-The Crazy Cat Lady can throw her cats, doing huge amounts of damage from great distances.

It's Raining Cats-The Crazy Cat Lady summons a cloud to rain cats from the heavens. The chances of anyone surviving such an attack are 1 in 100,000.

The Silent Priest/Princess Butterworth (ブターワースひめ Butaawaasu hime)

Heal-This is the Princess' most basic ability, she heals Lord Clean of his injuries.

Cleanse-The Princess can cure negative status ailments with this ability. Also makes Lord Clean feel better if one of his tentacle rapes fails (also helps in the rare instance that Lord Clean may be tentacle raped).

Silence, Knave!-When this ability is used, a royal decree is issued in which all members of the current battle below the rank of lord must henceforth take vows of silence, never casting spells or talking ever again. Should an enemy refuse to take a vow of silence, a royal guard will be summoned to deal with their insolence.

Butter Ball Bash-This is a buttery bash to one ball, which bounces toward the opponent.

Pancake Pow!-Princess Butterworth flattens her opponents into pancakes. If you act quickly enough, it is possible to eat these enemies, instantly killing them.

Call in the Family-This attack calls in one of the Princess' family members (only one of them, its random which one appears), each of which aids you in a different way. Her Australian Uncle Toby throws a boomerang at the enemies, her crazy Aunt Jemima breaks out of her straight jacket and goes wild on the opponents, her father, King Burger (キングバーガー Kingu Baagaa) Heals everyone in the party and cures negative status effects. Her mother, Queen Dairy, only appears if an enemy attacks the princess while she is using this ability. When Queen Dairy comes, the screen will flash white and any enemies who have hurt Butterworth will instantly die. The Queen will then kiss her daughter goodbye and go away on other business.