You Are Stupid

You as a kid.

You are stupid.

Do I have to explain why you are stupid? Do I REALLY have to go into great detail about why you are such a fucking dunce? You're so stupid, you probably don't even know what the hell a dunce is, do you?

sigh. I can't believe I'm wasting my time on this retarded dip. OK, dummy; here we go.

Stupid from the start

You were born a moron from the beginning. You came out of your womb so ugly, your doctor not only slapped your father, your mother divorced you father right on the spot, got off the table, and had sex with the same doctor in front of you and your father This, in turn, caused your father to shoot himself in the head. Ya feel happy now?

You were stupid in the delivery ward. Like the fucking idiot that you are, while other babies cried and cried, you tried to kick your way out of your little box; you ended up breaking both of your legs. Guess how long that delayed your ability to walk, Sherlock? No...on second thought, don't. I can see your head would explode just trying to do even hypothetical math, and I just bought this suit. That would be just like you, though: ruining your own shit as well as others'.

Anyway, the stupidity got even worse once you got home. You got your first bowl of cereal as a little baby, and you nearly drowned in it trying to eat like some stupid little pig. Then, as if that wasn't stupid enough, after your mother pulled your head out of the bowl, you decided to try some orange juice. However, you missed, the juice went down your nose, and you nearly drowned yet again. Actually, it might have been better if you had. You could've saved the world from the mass of idiocy that is you...but NOOOOOOOO!!! You had to go and fuck up that one as well!!!

Now, let's jump forward to age three (but not too fast; I know about your "legendary" jumping abilities). You got a tricycle (proving that your mother is as stupid as you are), and while riding it, you managed to tip it over and fall down a hill! Who in their right mind tips over a tricycle? YOU HAVE THREE WHEELS! I can understand losing balance on a bike, but good god! Anyway, this led you to have a stupid head concussion, which led to stupid surgery which led to loss of brain matter (unfortunately, none of it stupid). All of this led to you talking like this for the rest of your life:

“DEE BUH DUHHHHHHH HUH!!! BLAHB BLUUUU DDEEEHEHEHE!!!”

~ You

Stupid, isn’t it? Well, you would know.

Now, on top of this, you had to actually start elementary school in this shape. Needless to say, the other kids figured out your stupidity. They tied you to the tetherball pole each day at recess. Just to keep you entertained in your state of dumbassery, they attached a twinkie on a plunger to the top of your head, watching you act like a buffoon trying to reach it. Some days, the kids did take pity on your sorry hide and decided to NOT tie you up. Unfortunately, these were the days the kids played football, and they needed tackling dummies. (Guess who their favorite dummy was.)

An example of your "fine" handiwork as a student.

Oh wait…the stupidity continues. As if being humiliated at recess wasn’t bad enough, you had to actually go into the classroom and seal your reputation as the ‘’crème de la crap’’ of school. Whenever the teacher would ask you a question, you went up to the front of the class and slapped the teacher for being too nosy. It didn’t matter the question: What is the capital of the United States? What is 2 + 2? What is your name? Talk about dumbass. That’s why you spent much of your time between Kindergarten and sixth grade in detention every single day! The only reason you weren’t held back is that the teachers wanted to get rid of you SOOOOO badly, they passed you on to the next unlucky bastard.

Home life was even more interesting. Here’s an example of a stupid exchange between you and your mother:

• Mother: Son, how many times do I have to tell you to clean up your room?
• You: (silent)
• Mother: HEY, DUMMY!!!
• You: (turning from staring blankly into space) BEE BUH DUH!!!
• Mother: How many times do I have to tell you to clean up your room??
• You: MEMEE DUH BOOBIEDUH!!! (You then throw a trout at your mother for no apparent reason…only an idiot would have a trout in their room.)
• Mother: OW! That’s it! Clean up this mess, or I’ll have sex in front of you again as punishment!
• You: (You pick up some boxer shorts, put them on your head, and start running around the room, yelling and hitting yourself in the head) DADADADADADADADADA!!!!

Adolescence

You could've just killed yourself then and there. You could've jumped out your second-floor bedroom window and saved us the humiliation of having to deal with you as you grew anymore. Instead, you managed to avoid death and grew up semi-healthy. (There was, though, continuing to be tied to teatherball posts, being used as a tackling dummy, and having things rammed up your ass by children to show the difference between men and women).

Oh, but it was hilarious watching you make a fool of yourself whenever you started to try to date in high school. Your looks were stupid enough to communicate to girls the message that, "Hey! I'm stupid! I wouldn't know a good girl if she got onto me and started going to work in the middle of a hallway! Plus, I've never heard of a condom!!!" However, on the off-chance that a girl missed the message and did try to talk to you, you managed to stupidly screw that up as well. I talked to one of those girls recently:

“I, like, went up to him ya know and, like, said I thought he was kinda cute and all that. He just, like, stared into my face for a minute or two, and then, like, he put his face, like, up to my, like, vagina and started going, "PZZZZZZZZ!!" I was, like, totally embarrassed and all that junk. I, like, have never, like, been, like, humiliated, like, like, like, that, like before...like!!!”

~ Anonymous girl on you

(Actually, I can see what somebody as stupid as you would see in her.)

You after falling asleep on one of those magnetic "put hair on the bald guy" games and having somebody put lipstick on you, you dumbass.

Then, in the mother of all stupid moments in your life up to that point, you thought it would be a good idea to join the basketball team. For your sake, it turned out that your high school team, on a yearly basis, had a record of about 2-20. They were willing to allow another person with a sweatband and thick goggles around their head to sit on the bench. However, since the team was constantly bad, you would sometimes find yourself in the game (at center, of course). Unfortunately, when you were passed the basketball, you constantly forgot to catch it, so it plunked you in your stupid head (which eventually lowered your already "stellar" IQ from 30 to 25). On the one occasion that you accidentally had up your hands, you managed to catch the ball, hold it up, yell "BUBBBIIII!!" and proceed to throw it across the court and hit your coach in the head. Surprisingly, for as stupid as you are, you're quite strong; the throw actually managed to cave in your coach's skull, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, he was very popular, so the rest of your time in school, the students kept beating the stupid crap out of you every day in school. This lowered your pathetic IQ even more.

You couldn't even get a date to your prom, even though your school was full of overly-eager (to put it lightly) girls. Instead, you took your mother, but once there, she saw one of the teachers and took him to a back room, leaving you all alone to have cake and punch thrown at you. One of the kids even took your dumb rear, attached it to a hook, hauled you up to the top of the gymnasium, and used you as a disco ball. Of course, you didn't find this embarrassing. You were so out of it, you really didn't know what was going on, you idiot.

You pissed off the people at your high school so much, they decided to have you graduate just to get you out of their misery. Even then, you had to go and screw things up. When you got up to the podium, your stuipd penis decided it couldn't take it anymore. When the principal handed you the diploma, you tackled her and started humping her. It was at this point that all the people in the building started flogging you as you cried "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" like the stupid son-of-a-bitch you are.

Adulthood

Then came the most embarrassing part of your life: trying to get a job. First, you tried to be a gas station attendant. Then, one day, like the complete sack of shit you are, you mistook the gas compartment for a guy's rear. This resulted in him beating the holy hell out of you...not that I blame the guy: you managed to pump some gas INTO him, making sure he farts out fire from now on. Way to go.

Then, somehow or another, you wound up as a tennis ball boy for a good practice facility, but you screwed this up as well. I'll let Serena Williams tell us just how stupid you were:

“That kid came in one day while my sister and I were practicing, and while we were hitting balls back and forth to each other, he just started picking balls out of a tub, yelled "MEEEEEEE" and hurled the balls at us, bruising us pretty badly. The only way to get him off of us was to start serving 100 mile-per-hour balls at him until he curled up in a fetal position and started sucking his thumb. What a dumbass!”

~ Serena Williams

Indeed. To my understanding, you now spend most of your days at home, wrecking things in your house until your mother has sex with complete strangers in front of you. In fact, I'm through dealing with you so fuck off!

(Stupid...)