Wrap

A typical wrapper

“It's thy shit.”

– William Shakespear on Wrap

Wrap (also known as white rap) is the second earliest form of rap, dating back to the middle ages. Wrap, originally a combination between white and wrap has been obscured throughout the years to include any type of entertainment that specializes in the excessive use of baggy clothes, references to organized crime the singer often has no part in, and excessive use of words like shizzle, ho and the letter "z" added to every word. It was once a popular form of rap, but has since drifted away into the obscurity of the earlier centuries. Wrap often contributes to forming a state of psychosis around the wrapper. To this day not one wrapper has escaped with their sanity.

History

You could say that the roots of wrap started far before the wrap we know today was invented. Poetry was the earliest form of wrap, consisting of no beats. Beowulf is a famous epic wrap (Scandinavian lore states after writing Beowulf its author died in a drive-by spearing). Lets take a look at an excerpt of Beowulf:

“

Yo've heardeth of dem Danish pimps,

in dem old days and how

thy were great gangstas.

Shareza, thy son of Sheneequa,

took shitloads of enemys' chairz,

scared thy shit out of many a pimp,

after he hath found thy ho.

He prospered under thy Nissan skyline

until crackas everywhereth

listeneth when he spoke.

He wuz a good pimp!

”

As you can see, Beowulf heavily used Middle Ebonics in its "tranzilation" to a middlestate between English and Ebonics. Wrap stayed in this state for many years, until one man revolutionized it, and at the same time screwed it up.

Modern Wrap is founded

A modern wrapper.

France, 15th Century. An emperor named Napoleon XIV just took the throne, and for a while it was good. That is, until he stumbled upon Beowulf. Napoleon quickly locked himself in the castle cellar, reading epic poetry like Crist and Deor. 15 days later he emerged from the cellar, obviously drunk due to the amount of wine he was forced to drink during those days. After he recovered from a massive hangover, it was discovered that he had went to the place where the nuts hunt the squirrels, had bats in his belfry, lived in a split level head, and wanted his wife to cuddle up with him in his security blanket (which at that time he claimed was his little red tricycle). Before that could happen though, he was taken away by the nice young men in their clean white coats while claiming he was marching off to bedlam. It is said while at the asylum he composed beats like Waterloo with a tambourine, a bag of popcorn, a dead cat, and a snare drum. Ever since his discovery of modern wrap every wrapper has had a curse of insanity. That explains why Eminem and Lil Wayne sound so pissed off in all of their songs.

Todays Wrappers

Today's wrappers have come much farther from poems in Middle Ebonics and beats composed with tambourines and snare drums. Today wrappers use modern Ebonics to write wrap that we can all enjoy. Also, instead of composing their own beats, today's wrappers just steal one from their massive record collection, apparently immune to the RIAA. In this section are some of today's most famous wrappers.

Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice started out as a good wrapper (well, a good torture method), beating rappers like MC Hammer out of the picture (it was a piece by Salvador Dali). Unfortunately, the part of Vanilla's brain that kept him from becoming a mass murderer had melted after stepping out of his icebox during his tour of French Polynesia. After he killed 4 people and evaded french police, he hid in a freezer in the back of a convergence store, amongst ice cream bars and popsicles. By the time he was taken out of it by Apu, he was almost as batshit crazy as Alex Jones. Scientists believe that because he was "...too white,...[Vanilla Ice] had sunburned the small portion...of the top of his head that doesn't have stupid looking hair." After being in a fetal position for 96 hours, suspended by a string hanging from Richard Nixon's presidential rainbow tree, he decided to break the laws of physics by taking beats from beats from another wrap song and toning them differently using a map of Denmark. Eventually his already stale creativity came close to driving him into obscurity. The record company had to think fast; parts of Vanilla Ice were melting off. He decided to start an advertising campaign for Dick Cheney's heart, "Ice Ice Baby". Unfortunately, the song failed to refreeze Ice, and the only beneficial thing it did was piss off Queen fans.

Eminem

Eminem is a wrapper that is like a mix between Rush Limbaugh, Draco Malfoy, and the entire Twilight series. His angry -but VERY white- tone of voice sounds much like Rush Limbaugh. He looks like, well, WOULD look like Draco Malfoy if he had enough melanin in his skin to signify him as white, and not transparent. Finally, like Twilight, his lyrics are poorly written and cliched enough to make James Cameron laugh, but WATCH OUT! If you dis Eminem then-wait, hold on a sec. "fuk u if u dis emenem i gona kill u cuz he makes deep lirriks and fuk u". In other words, his fanbase is similar to Twilight's, however Twilight's fanbase is much more masculine. He gained his popularity by using the word "fuck", which at the time made you giggle because he said "fuck" on a CD. It got old when everybody learned he didn't know how to spell it. Eminem eventually went insane after all the pigment in his skin was taken by his record company. Like Napoleon XIV and Vanilla Ice before him, he began to suffer from multiple personalities. One of them wants to sell out, and the other one wants to move to Africa so he can contract AIDS from REAL Black people and die from sunburning. People wanted him to take the second route but he decided he wanted to be rebellious by continuing to waste oxygen. Thus, he took a different direction than the others. Eminem claimed that he was black, and even adopted Ebonics as his standard speaking language. With his new "recovery", Eminem hopes to retake Kindergarten with an open mind, able to understand the fuckin sick-ass concepts of ABCs and counting. This could possibly raise his IQ to double digits, but could also raise his whiteness level into mathematically impossible values.

Wrapper Trivia

• Vanilla Ice was actually David Geffen fuckin' witch'all.
• Eminem's trademark "pimp limp" was, according to legend, caused by a hit and run by a Good Humor ice cream truck at the age of four. His parents made him apologize to the truck driver.
• Vanilla Ice's nickname was originally taken from the name of the hit film "Vanilla Sky".
• Vanilla Ice originally decided to become a professional wrapper as revenge against MC Hammer after a childhood incident at their schoolyard where Hammer smashed a snow cone into Vanilla's face and proclaimed that Vanilla couldn't touch him. This was true, as MC Hammer's Father father DJ Screwdriver was the principal of the school, and when Vanilla Ice told his teacher, his teacher pitied him, as his teacher was Mr. T. It has been debated how he ended up as white as he was, being raised in a school with 3 black people in it.
• Eminem's son is named skittle.
• Eminem has a 8 mile long penis, and thus he named his film 8 mile. He directed it with help from Ben Stein, and in return Eminem fact checked for Stein's documentary.

Wrapping Styles

Wrap has throughout the years changed itself into many destinctive styles of wrap. Today there are three distinctive categories - plastic, paper, saran, and bubble.

Plastic

Plastic wrap is defined by its narrow topic, thick outer layer covering an underlying issue, and its ability to cover everything from XBible 360 games to those little toys you get in your happy meals. Plastic wrap is probably the most annoying kind of wrap, as you can't get if off your head without some kind of sharp object, such as a pair of scissors. It is also the most common form of wrap. Popular plastic wrap artists include all mentioned in the wrapper section, as well as Ken and GI Joe.

Paper

Paper wrap is the second-most common form of wrap, being defined by its thin but obfuscating outer layer covering an underlying issue (but yet easily torn by those with developed minds), varied topic, and its ability to cover gifts. It is also associated with Christmas, presents, and sleigh bells, which it uses to a point of ridiculousness. Popular paper wrappers include Bing Crosby and Burl Ives.

Saran

Saran wrap is used to cover sandwiches. Although it is rare to see a Saran Wrapper make an album on his own, he does usually rap in the background of some stupid 13 year old girl raprock band. The best way to describe it is a mix between a wigger and an emo. Examples include Mike Shinoda and whoever raps in Evanescence.

Bubble

Bubble wrap is the least common wrap. Bubble wrap softens the blows the lyrics cause to the issue. It is also makes fun of pop culture. Bubble wrap is indeed the most lighthearted wrap. It is also the most talentless wrap. Most bubble wrap stars only make it big because they look good, and their music is terrible, and takes little thought to make, unlike an Uncyclopedia article. Bubble wrap is also named bubble wrap because of another problem with it - the bubble of popularity pops in a month or two and people care about the wrapper just about as much as a reality show star. The Backstreet Boys and Christina Aguilera are some of the most famous.