William Randolf Hearst
William Randolf Hearst, depicted in Citizen Kane as a decent dude, was a journalist, politician, crypto billionaire, and publisher who, let's just say, had a certain affinity for teenagers. Born in California to rich miner exploiters in the late 19th century, after his dad died in the 1880s, William owned his dad's newspaper. Later in his life, he married a teenager, had domestic relations with an even younger teenager, and was Adolf Hitler's PR agent for a while. He later went poor as in the Great Depression, he had to sell off all his assets, which were only in NaziCoin. As a result, Orson Welles had a hard time making Hearst look like a good guy, a monumental feat later recreated by the PR agents of Jeffrey Epstein and Jared Fogle.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Like all tax evading, immoral, crypto-loving billionaires in the United States, Hearst was born in California. His father, George Hearst was a rich miner exploiter who disliked the yellow people very much. As a result, from an early age, Hearst was fed Sinophobic ideas, which manifested in his career. When George died in 1891 for unknown reasons, his wife Phoebe Hearst, who was William's mom, refused to let William have money from his dad's will after William blew all of his own money on FTX a month before.
Competition and the Death of HearstCoin[edit | edit source]
In 1895, Hearst bought the New York Journal American, a small newspaper in New York City, with his mom's financial support. This was so Hearst could try to promote HearstCoin, his new crypto project. Despite having 16 different competitors, Hearst bribed all of his competitor's writers so they would be in his company. These writers helped promote HearstCoin, using outlandish and aggressive advertising which has been dubbed yellow journalism by critics. However, in the Spanish-American War, it began competing with the New York World, which was owned by Joseph Pulitzer. After both scams were exposed by the FDIC and FTC in 1900, Hearst and Pulitzer came to a truce.
After the war, Hearst married Millicent Wilson.[1] He also tried to be mayor of New York City, losing to Tammany Hall candidate George B. McClellan Jr., who was George McClellan's son. Some sources claim that after losing, Hearst allegedly tried to scam the younger McClellan by getting him to buy from HearstCoin, however this backfired, as the younger McClellan banned the exchange of cryptocurrency, causing Hearst to become a millionaire.
Stagger to the Right[edit | edit source]
After losing all of his illegally obtained money to the Feds, Hearst became an anarcho-capitalist, hating regulation every time. In 1928 however, thinking that he was getting a new Hoover vacuum, he voted for Herbert Hoover in the election. During this time, Hearst met a funny-mustached man during a rally in Ohio. Changing his political affiliation from anarcho-capitalism into Nazism, he began making his employees write stories sympathetic to the Nazis. He himself even used the rest of his fortune to buy NaziCoin, a new and cool cryptocurrency.
Later life[edit | edit source]
After NaziCoin collapsed in early 1931 due to the Great Depression, Hearst had to sell everything he owned. This managed to make him barely able to not file for bankruptcy, and due to World War II, he was able to stay rich. He even got to see the biopic of his life, Citizen Kane. However, Hearst didn't like it very much, so he ignored it, causing the movie to flop. In 1951, at the age of 88, Hearst died in Beverly Hills, forever inspiring entrepreneurs to love Web 3.0.