User:SWJS/Destroy All Humans!
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Destroy All Humans! Warning! This page is involved in Destroying All Humans, we suggest you put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye. |
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Furon Stamp of Approval This page has officially been approved by Emperor Pox, Supreme Ruler of the Entire Galaxy. Now Silence your hot air bags and read the article, filthy pathetic crackpot human! |
Evidence has shown that this page may have been written by an alien, and therefore no information should be taken seriously. Be careful not to get brainwashed.
| Destroy All Humans! | |
|---|---|
 Cover art for the sexbox release | |
| Developer(s) | The Umbrella Corporation in conjunction with THQ |
| Release date | 1947, When Obama's evil scientists created it from the salvaged space penis that crashed in New Mexico |
| Genre | Third person genocide combat hypnotic training moduel. Catch all that? No? Good. Your mind is under my control. |
| Platform(s) | The Sexbox and GayStation |
| Rating | R for Retarded - not suitable for anyone of sane mind |
| Would Sean Connery play it? | If it meant killing everyone as Jack Nicholson! |
“Yes! My evil plot is working!”
“You have two kinds of anger. Implosive and EXPLOSIVE.”
“You! Obey the title!”
Destroy All Humans!(Shortened to DAH! to prevent head asplosion) is an open sandbox video game developed by the Umbrella Corporation, lead by Obama, to turn you into a genocidal ass slave. This revolutionary game, being the first to allow you to play as the illegal alien, has had many mixed reviews, and as well as it's sequals. The series is a failed attempt at alien/government mimd control. Of course the U.S. government has always been controlled by aliens.
Story[edit | edit source]
The story, created to keep simple minded idiots interested so the mind control can take effect, involves an alien called Crypto and his supreme alien overlord Orthopox. The two superior beings are from a race known as Furons, from the planet Furon, who unfortunately lost their penises and the ability to have sex, in a war with the Martians, who enlisted the help of Chuck Norris as he does not need to breathe. They now survive explicitly off cloning. However, each new clone ends up suffering major cases of Mind Fuck. In order to stop this tragedy, Pox reveals that the Furons raped the humans' ancestors while on shore leave, and now have strands of pure Furon DNA in their brains, which Pox and Crypto intend to rip out. However, when they land, they are immediately attacked by farmer/war vet. Mighty-Ass McDonald, which further attracts Dick Cheney's Fanclub, and finally an organization of men in crappy black spandex suits, known as the Majesdick. Pox and Crypto immediately forget their ultimate goal and decide to destroy all the humans, dooming themselves to endless Mind Fuck. After killing U.S. General Armtwist, Mr. Crypto went to Capitol City, and assassinated President Kennedy. Afterwards, the humans pretended to surrender.
Final Boss(es) and Ending[edit | edit source]
In a scuffle with Majesdick leader Silhouette, Crypto discovered that he was really a sexist crossdressing tranny prostitute. Silhouette then unveiled the ROBOPENIZ, a giant robot verion of Kennedy's dick with his brain inside. Crypto defeated Kennedy's dick, and then killed Silhouette at the Pentagram. Crypto then disguised himself as Kennedy, claiming the assassination to be false. The Furons then achieved world domination through America, because Americans are dickheads.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Basic Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Basic Gameplay consists of aiming at humans, shooting humans, and slammimg humans around with psychic Mind Fuck powers, but ultimately, Destroying All Humans!
Weapons[edit | edit source]
Jack Nicholson Crypto has access to all sorts of nukes and weapons provided by Saddam Hussein. These include the Giant-Taser-Thingy, the Iran Detonator, the Dick Ray, The Sonic Boob, The Quantum Distraction, The Human Sucker Upper Beam, and the anal probe.
Mind Fuck Powers[edit | edit source]
Like mutants, the Furons have learned to control their Mind Fuck and turn it against us. Usually after experiencing Mind Fuck, one may experience a really good fealing, followed by a sore asshole, and memory loss. Powers include Hypnofuck, Alien Invasion of Privacy, Brainfuck, and finally, Gravityfuck, which allows Crypto to lift things up and sling them around. Mind Fuck also gives a Furon the ability to appear as an acid trip, disguising them from the feeble humans. This ability is called HoboBob HoloBob, named respectfully after alien Jesus, Bob Saget.
Missions[edit | edit source]
Missions in the game serve as training moduels for super secret super soldier programs. They include intructions on mind control, hacking, sabotage, and blowing everything the fuck up. Jack Nicholson would be pround.
Impact on Humanity[edit | edit source]
DAH! is the leading major cause of head asplosion. How else are they gonna ectract your brain? Studies have shown that nobody has been able to survive head asplosion, dispite a mission showing what causes head asplosion, and how to avoid it.
Influence on Scientology[edit | edit source]
“He was always caught up in his game. He wouldn't eat, or sleep, or have sex. He would just sit there, mumbling about world domination. And then the little bastard started a religion that was so stupid, every fucker in America converted to it! YEAH I'VE HAD A FEW!”
Many witnesses claim to have seen L. Ron Hubbard playing the game when he was younger. Hubbard's mother, Old Mother Hubbard, claimed that the game inspired him to be a porno writer, but he then began seeing strange images and started writing holy testimates to an "Evil Lord Xenu". Once Hubbard's success had reached it's peak, he created Scientology, moved to Sunnywood, California, where he made Tom Cruise his evil apprentice, and forced him to play the game. After killing Oprah and declaring Scientology the ultimate religion from atop Oprah's couch, Cruise went on to Mind Fuck the entire world.
Mind Control Failure and Sequels[edit | edit source]
After Umbrella falied to brainwash America with the game, Obama got extremely pissed and fed them to a ravenous Hillary Clinton at the bottom of a deep cesspit. Fortunately Umbrella had finished the game's follow up: Deastroy All Humans! 2: Make War Not Love, which was directed at making the populous drug addicted anti-hippies. Afterwards, LocoRoco Studios took over on the project, and then by Sandbastard Studios.
Jack Thompson[edit | edit source]
Research shows that Jack Thompson, the biggest asshole in the world, hates this series more than Grand Theft Auto.
You[edit | edit source]
Congradulations. You have endured mind fuck and head asplosion, and are now ready to serve Evil Overloard Obama in world domination.