User:PeregrineFalcon999/new article draft
“They are cats, they are laughed at. Therefore, they are lolcats. Make the connection.”
“Lolwut?”
| Lolcat (Panthera Funnius) | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Carnivora |
| Family | Felidae |
| Genus | Pantherus |
| Species | ''P. Funnius'' |
| Conservation Status | Overpopulated, considered a pest |
It's late. You're tired. You're sitting on your computer, playing Runescape, when WALAH! You've got mail! What a surprise. You look in. What've you been sent. Geez. It's that bloody kid from down the street. He's sent you a whole e-mail full of lolcats. Ha ha. You delete them.
If only everyone did that as well. Lolcats, or Panthera Funnius, is a species of cat and is now thought to be a pest from over-breeding. Highly dangerous, campaigns have been placed against them but they are still overpopulating.
Creation[edit | edit source]
Lolcats are mysterious, and although there are many claims to be their creator, the most probable creator of this hellish creature is none other then the Devil. Or that nerd that was in your class in 2nd grade. Either way, the first few lolcats bred rapidly, forwarded on by many e-mail users to their friends. They are thought to have originated from East India, and were shipped in a private container to the US. From here they found their way onto the internet where they were found by some geeky guy name Bill Gates. He laughed at their funniness and forwarded them on to his 203 e-mail buddies. From then on it was pandemonium. Breeding faster then even tribbles, the creatures managed to find their way to every inbox on the planet, multiplying in their millions. Now considered dangerous pests, they are still multiplying at a considerable rate, although not as fast as before.
Basic Description[edit | edit source]
Lolcats are common all over the internet, as this is their natural habitat. They have also been introduced into e-mail inboxes and trash, and over full folders, becoming wild, rabid, and highly dangerous. They are commonly recognized as being a picture of cat with a funny expression, and some large words containing mizpeld wordz witz makz da pixture funi. They are usually square in shape, and with no limbs they rely on human stupidity to move from e-mail to e-mail. Lolcats live for a considerable long time - many scientists suggest that they are immortal.
Habits and Breeding[edit | edit source]
They usually travel in large packs but can sometimes inter-merge when more two packs meet at the one over-stuffed inbox and join together. They feed on human happiness, and if the human laughs too much then al the goodness wil drain out of him, his flesh and skin will rot to dust and he will be left as a skeleton. This tells us that lolcats are extremely evil and must be avoided at all costs. They also love to eat away at your available downloads, which means you'll have to pay that extra fifty dollars. Right now. Go do it!
Lolcats have a mysterious breeding system. When a pack land on an unwary inbox they latch hold. The person, seeing the lolcats and laughing, instantly creates replicates and send them of to each of their friends. This means they do not mate with each other, and this considered very strange by many scientists, confounding even the greatest thinkers of the age, including Einstein, Ptolemy, Aristotle, Confucius, and ChiefJusticeDS, who promptly huffed all recognition of them out of Uncyclopedia. Sadly, even the greatest of admins are no match for the ruthlessness of the Lolcats and their breeding habits.
Powers and Abilities[edit | edit source]
Lolcats are surprisingly powerful and have many abilities. These include...
- A forcefield
- Reverse gravity
- Tiny holes in the ceiling that they look at you out of
- Eating 'cheezburgers'
- Being funny
- Not ablity to spel wel lolz!
Loldogs[edit | edit source]
Loldogs are a distant cousin from the Lolcats, and although not a pest, are quite common. GuardLoldogs have been used on computers, as their ability to make the hacker laugh will eventually kill them. However, they are not so popular any more as many robbers or hackers do not have a sense of humor.
The Campaign Against Lolcats[edit | edit source]
Lolcats are evil and dangerous. Spreading now rapidly around the globe, 15 international governments have started a unique campaign to stop this plague of lolcats hurting or even killing humans. As mentioned above lolcats are killers and could easily take down a human. A laughing attack may give rise to lolcat-mania, a condition in which the person's eyes turn blank and they mutter phrases such as 'I can has cheezburger' and 'trashcat is not amused'. They may also misspell words intentionally when writing.
The new campaign has tried to destroy all the lolcats and issue warnings to e-mail and internet users, warning of them of the potential dangers. Problem is, lolcats are extremely strong and can even produce forcefields, which is a minor inconvenience for any lolcat hunter. The campaign, under the name Lolcat Safety Department (LSD), however, has isued these safety precautions:
- If you are on your e-mail and you see an e-mail in which the subject contains 'cat', 'cats', 'lol', 'funny'. 'cute', 'clever' or 'hippopotamus' to not be read. Please contact the lolcat safety department at 000 and they will conduct a preliminary destruction mission.
- If you suspect a family member to be viewing or reproducing lolcats contact the LSD.
- If you see a lolcat in your vicinity destroy it. We recommend you use the 'delete' button move.
- If the lolcat evades you, do one of these things:
- Complete the triple move combo, alt-command-delete, also known as shutdown.
- Call the LSD and evacuate
- If the lolcat evades you, do one of these things:
- Do not EVER create or forward a lolcat
- Thank you and we hope you enjoy your blissful safety!
The Lolcat Safety Department's website can be found here: [1], where they have kept unique specimens under heavy guard.