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Airbus Albo
Albanese, on the verge of taking off.
31st Proim Minista of 'Straya
Incumbent
Assumed office 23 May 2022
Preceded by	Scummo
Personal details
Born	Anthony John Soprano Albanese (1962-03-02) March 2, 1962 Darlinghurst, New South Wales, Australia
Political party	Labor

Anthony Albanese

Anthony "AnAl" Albanese is an Australian politician who has served as the 31st Prime Minister of Australia since May 2022. It is a little known, albeit foreseeable fact that he is the meridional cousin of none other than British Prime Minister Keir Starmer – another grey-haired, bespectacled head of a dominant socialist, centre-left party with 'Labour' in its name, another overseas globetrotter bent on boarding planes whenever the time is right and yet another unduly stalwart pornography censor. Though Albo's father was not a toolmaker, his mother was as a matter of fact unwed and dwelt in government housing.

Early life

Family and background

Roughly a year prior to his birth, Albanese's parents, Maryanne Baker and Italian poop deck swabber Carlo Albanese first met on a luxury liner from Sydney to the shantytown of Southampton, England. Some condom-free coitus ensued in the interim before the couple rashly decided to depart and go their separate ways. As least that was what it seemed until Baker epiphanised that she had unconsciously gifted a pimp with ten of her Australian shillings that evening.

To cover up the truth, she adopted Carlo's surname for herself and quietly deposited it onto her son's birth certificate. Whenever little Albo – as he was known as a child – inquired his mother regarding the whereabouts of his Y chromosome begetter, she took to gaslighting him into believing he had perished in the wake of a car crash. In reality, the bloke had impulsively emplaned for his homeland of Italy. Like father, like son.

Sometime later on during Albo's childhood, his mother married a raging drunkard named James "Adrian Quist" Williamson. The relapsing alcoholic's surname was bequeathed unto his stepson during the ten weeks they were wed, before a divorce returned an eight-year-old Anthony to a life where he could happily juggle more identities than surnames so as to leave his classmates all the more too "delulu with no solulu" to think clearly.

Venture into politics

At the age of 15, Albo peddled pamphlets and leaflets endorsing the Australian Labor Party in 1979 during his time at St Mary's Cathedral College. He graduated from school after having submitted tens of essays advocating the election of Bill Hayden as PM to NESA. Upon enrolling an economics degree at the University of Sydney, the communists with whom he fraternised helped elect him to the "Students' Representative Council".

Mentored by Tom "Big Daddy" Uren, the former Deputy Leader of the Australian Labor Party, Albo served as his research officer from 1984 pending 1995, when he took to calling then New South Wales Premier Bob "Wayne" Carr his father in 1995 due to the lack thereof he believed was.

Sadiq Khan

Sir Sadiq Khan
Sadiq Khan, making people's heads (and the London Eye) spin by flaunting off his curvaceous bod in mid-air.
3rd Imam of London
Incumbent
Assumed office 9 May 2016
Preceded by	Boris Johnson
Succeeded by	Count Binface
Personal details
Born	Sadiq Aman Khan (1970-10-08) October 8, 1970 Tooting, London, England
Political party	The Red Ones
Spouse	Donald Trump

Sir Sadiq 'Sad Dick' Aman Khan (born 8 October 1970) is a Labour politician who, in 2016, begun serving as the 3rd Mayor of London and the first Mayor of London at that to be vouchsafed with the ability to pronounce "halal" with the utmost of accuracy. His precursor, Boris Johnson, was to thank for Khan's ascent to power when Johnson relinquished his mayoralty in pursuit of such greener pastures as pleading guilty before the late Elizabeth II of having frequently partook in oral sex with some STI-positive MPs of his whilst simultaneously forcing the British population to install forty shiny new bolts on every door in their home to defend themselves from the dreaded 'rona.

The year 2025 saw King Charles III bestow unto Khan the prestigious rank of 'Knight Bachelor' despite the latter's helping further give the green light to gun and knife crimes in the British capital, thereby rendering him the first (and so far, only) London mayor to be royally steered along an 'L'-shaped trajectory – in chess terms.

Early life

Khan was born on 8 October 1970, the fifth of eight children, into a working-class family of Pakistani expatriates at St George's Hospital in the South London district of Tooting, known for its terraces brimful of curry houses, corner shops and Asha on the forty-five.

At school, a young Khan was tutored in biology and mathematics during the sixth form, with hopes of qualifying as a dentist some day. However, as a consequence of Khan's peculiar childhood tendency to swallow flames in the school laboratories, his biology teacher, concerned of his working in such close proximity to the respiratory systems of his patients, impulsively persuaded him that law would prove to be the subject that would earn him his calling.

Legal career

After having completed his Law Society finals at the College of Law in Guildford, Sadiq Khan entered the noble profession of law. From 1994 to 1997, he was employed as a trainee solicitor and assistant solicitor and from 1997 up until 2005, he achieved enlightenment by becoming a partner in the "Christian Khan" firm alongside fellow legal crusader Louise Christian. Their firm's mission primarily involved suing the powerful, the privileged, and every so often the Post Office.

Ever the ambitious moral compass, Khan infamously declared it unfair that an estimated 60% of lawyers gave the rest of the profession a bad reputation, and set out to balance the scales by prosecuting the scales themselves. He took on everyone from the Home Secretary to Oxford University, putting them on trial over cases supposedly involving discrimination, employment rights, and race relations. At one point, he attempted to prosecute the entire United Kingdom in the European Court of Human Rights for systemic bias. Alas, the case was dismissed when all 60-odd million defendants produced identical receipts, all unanimously claiming they were 'just following orders'.

Ka-boom!

Parliamentary career

First term

Following Tony Blair's victory at the general election, Khan penetrated the House of Commons on the fifth day of the fifth month of 2005.

Later that year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Khan (going by the moniker 'Mohammad Sidique'), alongside three dummies he labelled his 'assistants', held a fireworks display in the London Underground in an attempt to avert passengers from travelling via toxic, air-polluting, miasma-spawning transport. Three trains and one diverted bus were annihilated as a consequence of the display. As expected, Khan got away with the damages free of charge; whimpering in front of the judges at the Old Bailey about his plans to establish an ultra-low emission zone where the spectacle had been hosted, the jury forgave him for his wrongdoing, claiming he was just in setting a bunch of trains alight if it meant spreading the message of 'air pollution bad'. Future chief of London Boris Johnson, who branded Khan the 'newcomer of the year' in his newsletter, was privy to the Tooting MP's scheme and would go on to announce plans for the zone to come into operation during his mayoralty.

Ideally, the only way for Khan to get back at those Allah-forsaken bogeys at the Met Police for daring to arrest him involved boarding airliners departing from Britain to cross the Atlantic and urinating in the Mountain Dew of the few blue meanies who happened to be voyaging abroad out of spite towards them. And Tony Blair. Although himself a member of the Labour Party, Khan at the time loathed Blair. How dare he push the military to set foot on Iraqi soil with the intent of launching assault. On 4 August 2006, around the same time the prime minister and his family were to emplane for the Caribbean, Khan and his trio of mannequins set out to put said scheme into practice. Although the enforcement of strict security measures at Heathrow Airport meant that authorities soon learned of Operation Spend-Sixty-Thousand-Pennies and arrested him, Khan was once again pardoned by the Old Bailey after their verdict deduced that the plan could not be anything but a farce, seeing as real-life inflatable dummies cannot piss.

'So, Babar, is it true that prison toast tastes like my crusty foreskin after a month-long kebab bender?'

By 2008, Cyclops – the one eyed Jock had overthrown Blair as Labour leader and Prime Minister, and Khan had found himself involved in a sticky situation branded by the papers as the 'Bugging Incident', during which the finest anti-terror sleuths of Britain proudly unveiled their latest triumph: bugging a prison table so thoroughly that they accidentally eavesdropped on and taped an actual MP chatting with his constituent – fellow son of Pakistani migrants and Tooting denizen and perchance not-so-fellow jihadist propagator Babar Ahmad. Operation 'Oops, That's Sadiq Khan' was deemed an overwhelming success because of the moment five officers in the surveillance van realised the visitor was a Member of Parliament yet hit the 'record' button regardless.

Second and third term

Although David Cameron and his cabinet of Tories had been voted into power in the wake of the 2010 general election, their eradication of the Labour Party was no match for Khan, whose loyal fanbase of Tooting voters helped keep his seat in the House of Commons snug and toasty for the time being. On the topic of elections, when Ed Miliband – frontman of the rock band The Miliband Brothers – concocted a master plan to snag the top spot in the 2010 Labour leadership election from four days prior, Khan was his campaign Svengali.

Tooting resident Heywood Japulmah Finga's refrigerator, c. 2021

In April 2010, scarcely one month before the bacon sandwich man achieved Leader of the Opposition status, Khan was discovered to have been operating a boutique multicultural greetings-card sweatshop from behind the scenes within the confines of his parliamentary office. Using the official crested stationery and prepaid envelopes of the House of Commons, he distributed an extensive range of seasonal decorations, such as Diwali lanterns and Eid crescents to selected constituents, unusual amounts of which ended up on the doormats of those who did not celebrate either of those holidays. These decorations would often come with glossy pamphlets that served as love letters to himself, with many of them carrying terse, abrupt messages such as:

“ Happy festival! Also, remember how brilliant I am? ”

— Sadiq Khan

When the story broke, Khan stepped forward and inculpated a 'lack of experience', despite the fact he was approaching his forties by then and had served as a solicitor since the 1990s. Apparently the only experience he lacked was in not getting caught using Parliament's stationery cupboard as his personal election-pringing press. The Standards Commissioner wagged a finger, Khan muttered 'sorry, I won't let it happen again' with the sincerity of a toddler promising not to wet the bed, and as expected, Tooting voters expressed no displeasure at all, adorned their houses with Khan's ornaments for the remainder of the year, posted the pamphlets onto their fridges and returned him on the off chance that Ed would grow tired of having responsibility whilst lacking power and decide to call it quits on leading the Labour Party.

Jihadi Jez

In 2013, Ed Miliband, still dizzy from inhaling his own debatably kosher bacon sandwich fumes, furnished Khan with the spontaneously-pulled-out-of-his-arse ceremonial non-job of 'Shadow Minister of London'. The role's sole function was to let Khan practise mayoral poses in the mirror. Naturally, Khan took to it like a bee to pollen.

Having secured a third Tooting term in 2015, Khan then performed the ultimate act of party sabotage: nominating notoriously reputed antisemite Jeremy Corbyn as Labour leader. Jihadi Jezza ultimately managed to snag the role of Leader of the Opposition, the most esteemed simultaneously-do-everything-and-nothing occupation available in Britain. Khan stuck by his monster before stabbing the sod in the back on the day of the Brexit vote, claiming he wanted to 'widen the debate' – Labour's codeword for mass debating gone wrong.

Making of a mayor

Khan resigned as Shadow Minister of London on 11 May 2015 to run for Labour's nomination to be the Mayor of London after word on the street was that BoJo signalled he was bored of the gig and was off to bigger disasters. The office of Shadow Minister has since remained vacant ever since even the rats and mice turned it down.

In due course, Khan's wish became a reality on 9 May 2016, with him winning the 2016 London mayoral election against Conservative candidate and posh-boy billionaire spawn Zac Goldsmith and Green Party houseplant Siân "Sais W. A. Welsh Forename" Berry. Goldsmith's campaign had been conveniently torpedoed when a crack squad of Labour interns co-operated to flood the media with whispers that voting for Zac equalled voting for the Kool Kidz Klub for his immoral act of duelling against a Muslim. Khan resigned as an MP that same day, moonwalked into City Hall, handed Labour a decade-long subscription to electoral oblivion, and immediately began the holy crusade of charging Londoners £12.50 for the crime of owning noxious, foul-smelling automobiles predating the era of new-style registration plates.

Personal life

Relationship with the US President

2016 proved a banner year for Khan and then-US president-elect Donald Trump; the former of whom had snagged London's mayoral keys, whereas the latter of whom was busy spray-tanning his path to the White House after the two had won their respective elections. Both foremen, now at the helm of their respective fiefdoms, sought the opportunity to be vocal about their covert homosexuality for one another and publicly falsify it as some sort of transatlantic tiff.

See also

• Zohran Mamdani
• Genghis Khan
• Boris Johnson