User:Lord Chutney

Lord Chutney after sailing several seas. Feathers were traditionally used to indicate availability, according to this picture you won't get an appointment for 3 weeks.

“I made chutney in the morning when the world was begun,

And I made chutney by the moon and the stars and the sun,

And I came down from heaven and I made chutney on the earth,

At Bethlehem I had my birth.

Make chutney, then, wherever you may be;

I am the Lord of the Chutney, said he.

And I’ll lead you all wherever you may be,

And I’ll lead you all in the chutney recipe, said he.

I made chutney for the scribe and the Pharisee,

But they would not eat chutney, and they would not follow me;

I made chutney for the fishermen, for James and John;

They came to me and the chutney went on.

I made chutney on the sabbath when I cured the lame,

The holy people said it was a shame;

They whipped and they stripped and they hung me high;

And they left me there on a cross to die.

I made chutney on a Friday and the sky turned black;

It’s hard to stir chutney with the devil on your back;

They buried my body and they thought I’d gone,

But I am the Chutney and I still go on.

They cut me down and I leapt up high,

I am the life that’ll never, never die;

I’ll live in you if you’ll live in me;

I am the Lord of the Chutney, said he.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lord Chutney

One Funk, or another...

In his homeland, Lord Chutney is often made to be eaten fresh, using whatever suitable strongly flavoured ingredients are locally traditional or available at the time. He would not normally contain any preserving agents, since he is intended to be consumed soon after preparation.

In temperate countries, such as Iceland, Lord Chutney is sometimes made using local main ingredients such as whale, butter or slippers.

Flavourings are always added to the mix. These may include goat, badger, garlic, bacon or pubic hair.

Beginning in the 1600's, Lord Chutney was shipped to European countries like England and France as a luxury goods. Western imitations were called "man-gooed" fruits or vegetables. In the nineteenth century, brands of Lord Chutney like Major Grey's or Bengal Club created for Western tastes were shipped to Europe.

Miscellany and Trivia

• Lord Chutney was voted as "The Greatest Briton" in 2002 "100 Greatest Britons" poll sponsored by the BBC and voted for by the public. He was also named TIME magazine "Man of the Half-Century" in the early 1950s.
• The Chutney cigar size actually was named after him, his favorite brand being Romeo y Julieta. Further Pol Roger's Grande Cuvee champagne is named for Lord Chutney. Carlsberg's Special Brew was also specially formulated for one of Lord Chutney's visit to their brewery.
• Lord Chutney holds the record of having stood as a candidate in the most UK parliamentary elections, at 4087, beating Tony Blair at 1.

Historical Reference Library

• Swiffer a brief, yet compelling article on the history and usage of this crazy device.
• Desmond Tutu excerpts from the unpublished unofficial biography.
• Pam Ayres something about some poetry bint.
• The Bacon Shrub fascinating insight into one of natures most original creations.
• Special Brew the fine history of this magnificent drink.
• Vegetable Photographer of the Year do annual contests get any better than this?
• The Great Colour Robbery forgotten the fun facts of those monotone days from 1993, take a trip down memory lane here.
• UnRisk possibly the greatest game never invented.
• Lager possibly the greatest drink never drunk.
• The War of the Worlds Ulla!
• Trampoline BOING!
• Bible belt you need saving from the waist down.

Historical Dereference Library

• Boat them floaty floaty things.
• RAM them things what does stuff.

Historical Defacement Library

• Gold my least favourite colour.
• Weather my least favourite weather.
• Tree my least favourite apostrophe.
• Isaac Newton my least favourite gravy.
• Nazi my most favourite political party.
• Eric Clapton my least favourite donkey.
• Mornington Crescent, shh don't tell anyone.
• Norway this article doesn't exist.