User:Ljlego/UnNews:For Dummies Author Earns Ph.D; Writes Book
Harvard University, Connecticut - In a startling turn of events, the author of several How To guides for the layperson, collectively known as the "For Dummies" series, has earned a Doctorate in Philosophy from Harvard University. When confronted on the irony of this, he said, "It is indubitably unfortunate that this paradox has presented itself in such a manner that I am unable to adequately confront it. Understandably, it is desirable that I continue authoring these tomes for the enjoyment and informing of the casual human being, but naturally it cannot be done in the manner in which it was done before, as I have now proven for the uninitiated and the attentive alike that I am indeed intelligent. This conundrum will likely be solved by next quarter, however, as I like making money. BUY MY BOOKS!"
After consulting "Understanding Asinine Smart People for Dummies," the reporter for this story went around the country asking people about their feelings on the situation. The demographic to which the series reaches is far more widespread than one might expect, with avid readers in every state of the Union. Said Mary Kelly of New York City, "I used to wait for new releases, tearing through them, devouring every word. Real page-turners, they were. But now that I know that the 'dummy' behind it ain't no dummy, I'm disappointed. I don't think I'll be reading his new release, which is due to come out this week." Her response was indicative of that of the entire country, which is currently organizing a grassroots campaign to boycott any purchase of a For Dummies book.
The author, who has decided to remain anonymous (as his books all have remained as well), said that he was actually glad of the step up. Bracing himself for another speech, the reporter listened as the author stated, "I am certainly glad of the opportunity to pursue new objects. My desire for quite some time has been to pen a rather comprehensive guide to the human psyche, similar to the works of Sigmund Freud or Salman Rushdie, and now I can achieve it." He does, however, plan to write one more "For Dummies" book and see how it goes. It is tentatively titled "Earning a Ph.D for Dummies" and will reportedly contain explanations as to how to do just that. When asked her opinion on this, Mary Kelly replied, "Well, I would like to learn how to get a Ph.D..." Wouldn't we all, Ms. Kelly, wouldn't we all.
LATE EXTRA: The author of the For Dummies books was found beaten over the head and nearly dead in an alleyway shortly after interviews for this story were concluded. He was found with a copy of "Understanding Asinine Smart People for Dummies," and anyone with information about this crime is asked to call Crimestoppers at 1-800-I-AM-COOL.