User:IFYMB!/Break your vacuum cleaner
So, you’re an ordinary everyday mother, who cleans the house while your husband is out making kids with women who aren't you. Now, that makes you really incredibly mad doesn't it? So you've just finished cleaning the house for your bastard husband and its 11:30pm. He calls you at around 1:00am giving some stupid excuse like "I was working late." or "My boss was fisted by nine-handed bear." or "I was tying my shoelace." Now, time for your revenge. You know who he's sleeping with, Kate, that woman from work, who is also your sister. To get from her house to yours is about two hours. Two hours for revenge.
But what should revenge entail? Eating his hamburger? Making him shower? Turning his Detroit Lions shirt into your tampon? All too brutal. But then you turn to your left and you see it right there, just where you left it. The vacuum cleaner. You know what to do. You're going to break the vacuum cleaner. But how?
Method 1[edit | edit source]
Eat It
Your husband is back in two hours which certainly gives you enough time. First, slice the dry-floor nozzle in half with a sharp knife and boil it for 20 minutes on a medium heat. Then drop in the handle after 10 minutes of slow-roasting. Cut the body up in the quarters (still talking about the vacuum cleaner) and insert garlic. Then fry for 30 minutes. Include on/off switch after removing electrics. A side of potatoes is recommended. Now, at first it might seem a bit weird, but as soon as you take the first bite, you'll really want to vomit. But remember your bastard husband. Eat through the pain. As soon as you've finished, remove any signs that you've been eating a vacuum cleaner, because that bastard husband does not need to know what happened here.
Method 2[edit | edit source]
Start a gang war inside your house
Now this seem a tiny bit extreme to the average person, but you are not the average person, you are a jealous woman, and you will do whatever it takes to make you husband feel a little bit sad. Starting a gang war is easier than you think because the main reason people join gangs is for violence. And drugs. I'm going to give you the quick way to start a gang war.
- 1. Put on a balaclava.
- 2. Find a gang member and tell him there are drugs for him to collect at your house in ten minutes.
- 3. Find a member of a different gang and tell him the same thing
- 4. Prepare the scene make sure there is a choice of machine guns lying on the floor, scattered around a bag of smashed chalk
- 5. Put vacuum cleaner in the middle
- 6. Wait for all hell to ensue.
Once the gangsters on one side are dead or have run-away, the other gang will collect the chalk and walk off. It's time for you to go out and collect your bullet-peppered vacuum cleaner, which is defiantly not working after all that shooting. If you want, you could still eat it.
Method 3[edit | edit source]
Fill the bag with cat shit
Filling the bag with cat shit is a very easy way to break your vacuum cleaner, but also pretty disgusting, for you need 18kg before it will internally assplode, but if you can handle 18kg of cat shit on you, then this is perfect. But is has to be the shit of the Egyptian Mau, a cat that is rarely found anywhere other than Egypt, however if you or your neighbour happen to have one then you can continue. The reason the Egyptian Mau is needed is very simple. There is sand inside its shit which is really not a good mix for a vacuum cleaner. Anyway, once you have deposited 18kg of cat shit into the bag (wearing gloves) switch it on.
As soon as it is switched on, it will start the shudder, as if it were cold. Then, after a couple of seconds, it will shake, the shake very violently. It will then sway from side-to-side, as if being blown by Mila Kunis. The vacuum cleaner will stop.INSERT EXPLOSION NOISE HERE!
Method 4[edit | edit source]
Post it to North Korea
Posting it to North Korea is very dangerous method. They could see it as a threat, and wonder whether or not the bubble wrap is a new American weapon and start launching nuclear missiles because you were too scared to eat a vacuum cleaner, start a gang war and get cat shit in your hair. They could send spies to kidnap you in the night. They would take you back to North Korea, where they would insert unusual objects into your anus, such as rotten apples, dead dogs and Kin-Jong-Il's preserved penis.
They could take out your insides and fill it with sweets, then string you up at a child's birthday party (not in North Korea, there are no birthday's in North Korea). You will be beaten to death by little kids who want Twinkies.
Or, they could take you back home and hypnotize your kids into thinking you were nice, crispy bacon, and just when they are about to finish you off, they break the trance, and the children realise they have eaten their own mother.
Emergency Method[edit | edit source]
Shove it up your asshole
It's understandable, you've been deliberating about what method to choose when - Ding-Dong. Shit, your husband is home, you better hope he is good at anal, because that vacuum is going to have to go where very few men have gone before. Your asshole. Try to shove as much in as quickly as possible, even if it might slightly hurt. Go to the door, and don't worry about how much vacuum is showing, because he won't really care after all the sex he has been having. If you can't go to hospital, go to bed and act normal. Wait till the urge to fart...