User:Gir./The deep down crazies

“Cyberchondriacs, prepare to diagnose yourself.”

~ This article on cyberchondriacs

“This article is at the centre of the universe!”

~ This article on this article

“I don't have the deep down crazies.”

~ You on having the deep down crazies

The deep down crazies are the serious crazies. If someone has the deep down crazies, you're likely to notice, unless you're the one with the deep down crazies, then you may not notice. Everyone else will notice though. They talk about it when you're not around. In fact, right now, someone is talking about you having the deep down crazies. That someone may even be you.

The deep down crazies are hard to get rid of. The deep down crazies are like herpes in that once you have the deep down crazies they can flare up at any time no matter what sort of treatment is applied.

Treading water in the crazy pool means that one has the crazies that still make one crazy but not to the extent that having the deep down crazies make one crazy.

Acquiring the deep down crazies

An unfortunate soul tries to huff a grue's kitten and gets chased into the crazy pool.

The deep down crazies often have a genetic component, although they can be acquired ideopathically. Geneticists have isolated several genes known to cause the deep down crazies but the crazy genes quickly escaped. It is believed that most of the escaped crazy genes have sought refuge within the Church of Scientology. It is said that over 4000 fugitive crazy genes are hidden in John Travolta's personal airplane alone.

In rare cases, the deep down crazies can be transmitted sexually. Sexual transmission has only been recently documented in people who have slept with Bobby Brown. It is rumoured Britney Spears sexually transmits the deep down crazies as well. A majority of psychiatrists now believe that flashing your cooter is a symptom of the deep down crazies.

Jumping into the crazy pool will also cause the deep down crazies, unless of course one is successfully able to stay afloat by treading water. An engraged grue has been known to throw people into the crazy pool. This most often occurs after he catches his victim trying to huff one of his kittens.

Diagnosing the deep down crazies

There are many symptoms of the deep down crazies that you can look for in yourself (or your loved ones).

Hallucinations

Many people with the deep down crazies mistakenly believe that squirrels live in their sock drawer.

People with the deep down crazies may experience sensory hallucinations. These can be auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory or gustatory in nature. If you suddenly taste pork when you are not eating pork, that could be a gustatory hallucination. If you are a pig you may have just bitten your tongue.

People with the deep down crazies may also experience extra-sensory hallucinations. These can be clairvisual, clairauditory, clairtactile, clairolfactory, and clairgustatory. If you felt a future in which you touch a breast, and this doesn't become a reality, that could be a clairtactile hallucination. Or it could mean you're a virgin with sticky sheets. Hang in there, someday it will happen.

Voices

Shhh, quiet. Hearing voices is a type of hallucination. People with the deep down crazies may hear voices in their head. The resultant conversation is not like the one you'd have at a picnic. Most times the voices say mean and hurtful things, like what you'd expect Hilary Clinton to say to a puppy before she eats it. People with the deep down crazies may also believe that they are getting coded messages or their thoughts controlled by something/someone else. This is like getting voices text messaged to your brain. Think of it as a text message that says "you have the deep down crazies". (Believing you can actually text message your head is a sign of the deep down crazies, although this may change as cellular phone technology progresses. Click here to hear voices.

Delusions

People with the deep down crazies may think they are someone other than their true self. This is known as identity disorder or whoami dysphoria, a.k.a. "Whoa! Me?" dysphoria. Most of the time, a person's delusion is determined by their socio-religio-economic status. A Christian will think they are Jesus and act out scenes from The Bible in everyday situations. An Indian will think they are Ghandi or Pocahantas. And a poor person will think they are some other poor person.

It's hard to tell if you are who you think you are, but it's not a bad idea to ask people. If they give you a strange look and/or cross to the other side of the street, that means you have the deep down crazies. But note, just because you find out you are Jesus, that doesn't mean you don't have the deep down crazies. The easiest way to tell if you are experiencing delusions is to remember that most people are unimportant drones drifting through life. Chances are, if you think you are somebody important, you have the deep down crazies.

Too Sad

People with the deep down crazies can get really, really, really sad for no reason. Actually there is a reason: the deep down crazies. Persistent unhappiness and the inability to perk up are the two main symptoms of sadness. Sadness may lead to suicide (see section below on "cures").

Too Happy

People with the deep down crazies can get way, way, way too excited for no reason. It's also known as "mania" or "Joe-mentum". One of the most common symptoms of happiness is optimism. Left untreated, optimism leads to nothing but a bleak and unhappy future.

A deep down crazy child vibrating at 28,000 Hz

Too Bouncy

People with the deep down crazies tend to vibrate at a higher frequency. You can test for this at home with a home pregnancy test attached to an EEG machine. A person with the deep down bouncies will test at approximately 20,000Hz and above.

Obsessions and compulsions

A person with the deep down crazies may have something constantly invade their thoughts or dictate their behaviour. This person will constantly think of a certain thing or act out a certain behaviour without being nagged to do so by a parent or spouse. Obsessive/compulsive people lead boring lives, although some obsess over sex so that's not too bad a fate. Nevertheless, boredom is the reason why people with the deep down crazies often obsess about celebrities. Symptoms of obsession include stalking, lurking, smelling, peeping, pining and shrines.

Tin foil hats and a shrine to Gazoo are signs of the deep down crazies.

Typical obsessions of a person with the deep down crazies

• The government, especially government conspiracies
• Aliens, especially illegal aliens
• Celebrities, especially illegal celebrities
• Famous historical figures, especially Jesus or Jebus
• The Interweb or any other series of tubes
• Sex with anyone other than your spouse
• Parody
• Twitterpatedly stockpiling weapons with Charleton Heston
• Lengthy lists

Go on, splash around a little.

Treading water in the crazy pool

Some people don't have the deep down crazies, but are nonetheless pretty fucked up. This level of the crazies is known as treading water in the crazy pool. At any time, someone who is treading water in the crazy pool may sink into the deep down crazies. People who have the deep down crazies but are feeling much better because of medication and/or counselling still tread water in the crazy pool in order to keep from sinking.

You might think that you can towel off after a dip in the crazy pool and go about your life as normal, but once you've gotten in, it's pretty much a life-long swim. Might as well grab a cold drink and a floating toy and enjoy the experience.

The difference between the deep down crazies and treading water in the crazy pool

Treading water may appear as mild versions of the deep down crazies; however, it may be hard to tell the difference between the deep down crazies and treading water in the crazy pool. It's not a simple black and white distinction: there is a fine and ultimately fuzzy line between the two levels of the crazies. Even people who do not have the crazies may display odd behaviour bordering on a dip in the crazy pool. This behaviour may be described as "quirky", "eccentric", "flamboyant", "metrosexual", "Canadian" or "artsy".

Example 1: Starfucking

Starfucking occurs when one places celebrities on a pedestal and begins to show obsessive behaviour. So many people can be described as starfuckers that many people begin to see this behaviour as normal. It's not. Celebrities are just people like everyone else, and many celebrities, should you happen upon them, are likely to be complete assholes. Everyday people fantasise about celebrities they don't know. And enjoying an actor so much that you see all their movies, know a bit of trivia about them, and maybe even feature them in a desktop background is pathetic but otherwise normal.

Once a person sincerely believe they and a celebrity would make a good couple, they are treading water in the crazy pool. People treading water in the crazy pool might also believe they could 'pull' a celebrity given the opportunity. This may be true, but to that celebrity you're just a groupie with a penis/vagina that they can utilise for a brief moment before discarding you. The only thing a celebrity sees in you is a quick shag and a receptacle for the latest sexually transmitted disease they are carrying.

Seeking out personal interaction with celebrities is a sign of the deep down crazies. Telling a celebrity that you are destined to be together, usually via love letters, or paradoxically, death threats, is definitely a sign of the deep down crazies. This kind of fixation may involve stalking and shrines as well.

Example 2: Talking to plants, pets and young babies

This doesn't talk.

Many people talk to plants, pets and young babies. This is quite normal, notwithstanding the awkward situation this creates when this turns into a full conversation despite the presence of others that actually do understand human speech. It is in fact beneficial to talk to babies and some types of pets, allowing for social development, the exchange of afffection, and a distraction from crippling loneliness. This does not apply to plants. Talking to plants is just plain retarded.

Once you believe your pet, plant or young baby understands you when you talk to it, you are treading water in the crazy pool. Young babies may gurgle, but this does not count as a contribution to a conversation on geopolotics. Babies couldn't care less what you say to them, they just like the sound of your voice. Do not confuse this with a child's teenage years. Teenagers couldn't care less what you say and hate the sound of your voice. This is because you are a bad parent.

If a person believes that their plant, pet, or baby answers back, they have the deep down crazies.

Cures for the crazies

You're halfway to a cure!

The cure for the deep down crazies

There is only one cure for the deep down crazies: death. Dead people are no longer crazy. Sure, killing oneself may signal that you have the deep down crazies, but once the deed is done, the deep down crazies have been exorcised. It's not a bad idea to consider death should you have the deep down crazies (note: not an endorsement).

If you would prefer to be alive for now, the best you can hope for is to tread water in the crazy pool. Medication and/or counselling and/or electro-shock therapy (see next section regarding the latter) are helpful, but are never 100% effective. Some medication causes the deep down crazies, so be careful. Best to talk to your doctor, although he/she may use medical jargon such as "clinical depression", "suicidal ideation", "mania", "psychosis" and/or "psychotic break", "hallucinations", "delusions" or "the crazies".

Cures for treading water in the crazy pool

There are two ways to stop treading water in the crazy pool. As with the deep down crazies, death is a surefire cure. Dead people can no longer tread water, although they may float, but that does not apply in this context. The second cure is to sink down into the deep down crazies. Here are a few examples of your options:

You don't need these anymore.

• Stop taking your medication
• Stop attending your counselling sessions
• Get electro-shock therapy
• Acquire the deep down crazies through effort and commitment to the task

One should note that this is not a complete list. It is best to talk to your doctor. If your doctor calls you paranoid but does not treat you, it is a good idea to get a new doctor. Paranoia is exactly the kind of thing that plagues people with the crazies, and a good doctor should know this. This applies to other people in the medical profession such as psychologists, psychiatrists, pharmacists, nurses, general practitioners, social workers and counsellors.

See also

• Swimming pool
• Suicide
• Mental illness
• AAAAAAAAA!