Final Fantasy Tactics

Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

DELITA KILLS OVELIA

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

Final Fantasy Tactics
Developer(s)	Squaresoft
Publisher(s)	Sony
Release date	1999
Genre	RPG
Platform(s)	Playstation
Rating	T
Would Bill Bennett play it?	Yep

Final Fantasy Tactics (最終幻想の作戦) was created by Roundhard in 1999 for the PSXXX, one of the few non-pornographic games to grace the console unlike another of the series installments released at around the same time, Final Fantasy VII.

The main plot of Final Fantasy Tactics is the heart-wrenching tale of one Ramza Beoulve, who discovers the deadly secret that the Catholic Church is fomenting a war between two factions in order to gain control of the entire country, and are in turn being controlled by Satanists. Oh, and Jesus is fake and stuff, or is actually the Devil. The actual plot is a bit hazy on this part. Ramza fights against tyranny and villainy and overcomes his handicap, a lack of a sense of smell.

Ramza Beoulve is voiced by Tom Hanks. The game was recently made into a book and film titled The Da Vinci Code.

Much of the plot is a bit hazy due to some translation errors, but the main gist is as follows:

Chapter 1

Ramza must overcome his handicap and learn to smell again.

Ramza and Gafgarion, who is way cooler than Ramza, by the way, show up at a church to escort some princess chick to someplace else. Some people attack them, only it turns out to be a distraction so that Delita Hyral could kidnap the chick through the backdoor of the church, an unrecognizable weakness in any impregnable fortress.

Delita: "Don't blame me, I'm very sensitive and suffer from depression and it'll just set me right off. Where's my Zoloft?!"

Ramza then proceeds to reiterate the events leading up to his and Delita's separation, when he wore a stupid blue tunic and an even stupider ponytail. The two former gay lovers had a bit of a falling out for some very minor reasons, such as Ramza being a noble and Delita a filthy, downtrodden commoner, oh, and Delita's sister getting shot in the guts at Ramza's brother's command. Little stuff like that.

Ramza also tells about how he first met Wiegraf, the leader of the Death Corps rebels and proceeded to kill everybody Wiegraf loved and cared about. Ramza, understandably, cannot understand why Wiegraf is mad at him, but that's just how it is, I guess.

Chapter 2

Ramza and Gafgarion, who is way cooler than Ramza, head out in hot pursuit of the princess chick, along with new member Assgrass. They help Delita protect the princess chick from some knights sent by Ramza's brother Dice-n-Slice, but then it turns out that Gafgarion, who is way cooler than Ramza, is actually working with them to kidnap the chick! This is quite a shocking plot twist, as no one expected an evil Dark Knight mercenary-for-hire to be untrustworthy, no matter how much cooler he is than Ramza.

After trouncing them soundly, Gafgarion, who is way cooler than Ramza, escapes. Ramza makes Delita give the princess chick back into his care and Delita agrees after Ramza "gives him an assurance", if you know what I mean.

The party heads out to Lionel Castle, but on the way stop to save Mustache-something from Bart Simpson, who wants Mustache-something's Zodiac stone. When they get to Lionel Castle, Dracula tells them about the Zodiac stones and how powerful they are. The princess chick and Assgrass are entrusted to Dracula's loving embrace and the party heads back to help Mustache-something finish off Bart Simpson for good. Suddenly, in yet another astonishing plot twist, it is revealed that Dracula is actually behind the plot to get the Zodiac Stone from Mustache-something! This is quite a shocking plot twist, as no one expected an overbearing Priest named Dracula that hangs out in candle-lit rooms to be anything but good.

Ramza and the party save Assgrass from death at the hands of Dice-n-Slice's knights. Assgrass reveals that Dracula is having the princess chick executed! Ramza and crew hasten to save her, only to realize they've walked right into a trap perpetuated by none other than Gafgarion, who is way cooler than Ramza. Ramza tails him to Lionel Castle and fights him one-on-one, but Gafgarion is way cooler than him so Ramza usually opens the gate to let his other party members in to help him. Gafgarion dies and Ramza declares himself the coolest character in the game, only to be crushed by the fact that Delita is still way cooler than him, along with pretty much every other character, evil, non-evil, non-player character, and non-existent.

The party fights Dracula after he uses the Zodiac Stone to turn into King Hippo and beats him with the aid of Simon Belmont's whip skills.

The Lion War begins, causing an outbreak of war between The Hooters led by Prince Lard and the Nintendos led by Goku.

Chapter 3

FFT's interpretation of Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo has great historical backing.

Ramza and party save Enyclopedia Brown. Then Ramza's sister decides she'll tag along. The party then fights the Spanish Inquisition, who no one expected. Ramza and Alma head off to the church from the beginning of the game to get ahold of another Zodiac Stone. They find Simon Belmont wounded, a victim of Pope John Paul II's plot to steal his Zodiac Stone. Ramza vows revenge and runs to the basement to battle the Crusaders, this particular group of which are being led by Izlude. Izlude runs away with the Zodiac Stones and Ramza's sister while Ramza battles *GASP* Wiegraf, that guy from twenty hours ago! Wiegraf is still mad at Ramza for some reason or other, Ramza killed his sister or something, but Ramza doesn't really listen and pummels him after yelling at him for joining the Crusaders. Wiegraf crawls outside and uses a Zodiac Stone to turn into a huge goat named Hillary Clinton and escape, and Simon Belmont gives Ramza The Da Vinci Code before dying.

Ramza leaves the church and is stopped by some Arab dude he has never met before who demands his copy of The Da Vinci Code and asks Ramza if he has read it or not. Ramza says he hasn't read it but is convinced that the Christianity is lying about Jesus all the same. The Arab dude tells him he should at least read the book and do a little research before jumping to such conclusions and walks away.

Ramza fights a bunch of pirates at Grog Hill, and then tries to save some Arab chick from her brother, the Arab dude. They escape, but the Arab dude pursues them with a talking exploding frog (Editor's Note: this particular factoid is not at all Uncyclopedic, by the way) and tells them to bring The Da Vinci Code to his castle or Ramza's sister gets it.

Ramza and crew fight the Arab dude again, and the Crusaders show up to crash the party. Vomit, the leader of the Crusaders, turns into Tony The Tiger and kills everybody, including his son, Izlude, then kidnaps Alma. Ramza fights the goat Wiegraf has turned into, and then fights a dead samurai guy and his ninjas on the roof of the castle to save the Arab chick. The Arab dude dies but the Arab chick uses a Zodiac Stone to revive him, revealing that though they can be used for great evil they can also be used for great good. Yes, it took this long for the game's theme to become clear, unless you count all that Communist drivel.

Chapter 4

Ramza buys blue armor and learns how to Scream, and then we learn that Encyclopedia Brown's father is actually O RLY?, God of Thunder, and a major leader. O RLY? gets accused of treason and gets thrown in jail.

Ramza and crew fight Izlude's sister Meliasomethingorother, who is convinced they killed Izlude, when in fact it was her father Vomit. Ramza spanks her and her ninjas soundly, and then proceeds to go to Mass. Delita tells Ramza that the two armies are going to fight each other in a huge and massively bloody battle, which will destroy both sides and allow the Roman Catholic Church to rule the country. And then the Spanish Inquisition shows up again! NO ONE expected them! Delita helps Ramza fight the Spanish Inquisition and then Ramza goes through a desert where he fights Balk, some guy that poisons everybody and then dies.

Ramza has the option to go in the front or back, but relying on his past experiences with Delita he opts to go in the back, hard and fast. The front is just foreplay, after all.

O RLY? is the weakest character in the game

Ramza destroys the Hoover Dam and stops the two armies from fighting each other. Dice-n-Slice kills Prince Lard, the leader of the Hooters, and Delita kills Goku, the leader of the Nintendos, and then kills some guy that looks like O RLY? so it'll seem O RLY? took him out. Ramza and Encyclopedia Brown save Brown's father, O RLY?, who joins the party, though it turns out he's rather weak and not of much use at all. I mean, he's probably the most worthless character in the game; I thought he was going to make all the battles afterwards a cakewalk. I was wrong, so very, very wrong.

Ramza meets Aerith and tells her to bite him when she tries to sell him a flower, allowing him to avoid a long and ridiculous quest to recruit Cloud, a robot, a male dragon who's actually a woman, and Beowulf the Viking, and also allowing this long and ridiculous plot outline to be slightly shorter than it otherwise would be.

The party heads to Dingleberry Castle and fight the undead samurai guy and his ninjas. Meliasomethingorother shows up and witnesses the samurai guy turn into a disturbing undead scaly creature named Dick Cheney, and is finally convinced of the Crusaders and Vomit's evilness. After killing Dick Cheney, Ramza and the others go to Igros Castle and kill Ramza's brother Dice-n-Slice but fail to save Ramza's brother Nutbag from death at his hands.

Ramza and crew head to The Vatican, but are too late to save Pope John Paul II from being assassinated by Vomit, Klingon, and ROFL. The Crusaders escape, leaving Ramza to fight his undead brother Nutbag. After the battle they come upon the dying Pope John Paul II, who tells you Vomit and the rest are heading for the church the party has been frequenting constantly since the beginning of the game, and then dies.

Ramza and the crew head for the church and battle ROFL in the basement. ROFL has the last laugh, however, as with his dying breath he sends Ramza and the rest to Hell. Ramza fights Klingon and that guy from the desert's undead soul, and then finally catches up to Vomit and his captive Alma, Ramza's sister, at the Grave of Flying Boats. Vomit turns into Tony The Tiger but loses and so sacrifices himself to summon Jesus, who flies out of Alma, finally laying to rest any of those rumors about Jesus being a man. Jesus proceeds to turn into a Nissan Altima, and Ramza and the rest fight him until he turns into Satan, who they battle in epic final-battle fashion. Satan self-destructs and everything blows up.

The Ending

Alma is being given a funeral by a Catholic priest. Everybody says some Latin crap, and then walks away. Encyclopedia Brown and some chick wonder as to the fate of Ramza and Alma and the rest, and then Ramza and Alma ride by on Big Bird! Only Encyclopedia Brown notices, and then leaves. It is revealed that Encyclopedia Brown's true name is really Dan Brown, who writes a new The Da Vinci Code but is promptly beaten up by the Catholic Church and censored and crap. His great great great great great great great great great great great grandson has since taken the book, changed every single word of it, and made a bajillion dollars, and is also named Dan Brown. Go figure.

The game ends with Delita slapping the princess chick around Lee Van Cleef style after she stabs him, having been made king, and stabs her cause she sucks. He then asks what Ramza got, to which I answer, "Jack shit, 'cause no one else bought this game but me."

Contention

Many gamers praise Final Fantasy Tactics as a intricately plotted and highly fun to play game, while many critics contend that it is poorly translated and overtly complicated. All agree, however, that it is truly the saviour of the Earth.

Final Fantasy Tactics was created in 1999, and single-handedly saved the planet from Y2K-powered Agent Smiths in a no-holds-barred action extravaganza that sold out movie theaters worldwide. By invading the main frame and convincing all our computers that it was the year 1900 BUT that that didn't matter, it saved the entire human race from destruction. The entire adventure has been thoroughly documented in the film The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension.