Euan Karl Hans Metz (7 October 1885 – 18 November 1962), also known by his trivial name Niels Bohr, was a 19th century Edinburgh University chemist, philanthropist, musician and self appointed president of the People's Orthodox Organisation of Smelliness.
Euan attended Longniddry Primary School for his first year, then attended private school for a time, where he was forced to wear shorts - even in the height of winter. Traumatised by the frostiness of both the Scottish winter and the attitude of his teachers, he scampered back to LPS, where he would remain for the rest of his Primary education.
His Secondary career was spent at Preston Lodge Grammar School, where he went through numerous changes in both outlook and hairstyle. For a brief period he entertained an interest in the US rap group Wu Tang Clan. He even at one time possessed a pair of shiny Fubu trousers, which would accumulate vast static charge, often shocking his peers as they passed by. He then amassed an overwhelming appreciation for music, one which would eventually lead him to stop washing and grow long hair and a beard.
Euan, having enjoyed Chemistry so much at Preston Lodge Grammar School, decided a career in science would be best. He gained a first class honours degree at Edinburgh University, where he began to strengthen his relationship with hydroxyethane.
The Coma Incident
He came to notoriety during the 1850's when during a booze related coma, the unification between Quantum Mechanics and General Relativity suddenly became apparent. Empowered by his Eureka moment, he sought to spread the word throughout the known universe, which to Metzy boy consisted of the local pub. Nevertheless, word soon spread around campus. However, the local physicist James Clerk Maxwell, was so incensed by Mr Metz's discovery, that he tried to murder him using a slide rule and his sizeable book of logarithms. Fearing for his life, Mr Metz with his new found understanding of Quantorelativity time travelled into the future - Bern, Germany, 1903 to be precise - where he came across a small patent office. Passing by he came across a short peasant boy by the name of Albert. He was again struck by ingenuity, and decided to pass the knowledge onto this poor unsuspecting dimwit and let him take the credit. He decided, however, that the world just wasn't ready for his Grand Unification Theorem, and it would be best to just give him the General Relativity bit.
The consequences of Euan's actions were dire. General Relativity was to become the downfall of millions, as the planet saw nuclear bombs dropped; nuclear accidents spread radioisotopes over sheep farms, consequently leading to the formation of a group of tree-hugging Nazi’s now known as 'Hippies'. Poor dim-witted Einstein would eventually become consumed with finding the other piece of the puzzle for the rest of his life.
Traumatised by the incident, Euan thought it best to time travel into the future (2005) and make light of it all. He began to rebuild his scientific career, focusing on research into many areas such as:materials for reinforcing bank vaults; new synthetic routes to EtOH and the now famous Metz's Law. In 2006 Euan was awarded the Alfred Hitchcock Prize for Scientification for his work on Metz's Law A new element and the non-metal Chlorine were named/renamed in Euan's honour (see below). He had further success as a musician, playing guitar in the internationally popular Scottish band A Trip To Fife, but the group disbanded due to their low international popularity. He now lives in Nova Scotia with his wife Cindy and their two kids Tom and Phillip.