Final Fantasy XII

Final Fantasy XII
The cast of Rent returns for one last show!
Developer(s)	Square-Enix
Publisher(s)	Sony
Release date	2006
Genre	non-online MMORPG
Platform(s)	PS2
Rating	T
Would Strong Bad play it?	Rather get shot!

“I'M CAPTAIN BASCH FON RONSENBURG OF DALMASCA!!! DON'T LISTEN TO ONDORE'S LIES!!!”

~ Vaan on going undercover

“Yes, as an Archadian judge, I am bound by law to always babble for at least 5 minutes using archaic "thou's" "hark's" and what not, so can I proceed to bore you?”

~ Arcadian Judges on the law

Final Fantasy XII (ファイナルファンタジーXII; Fainaru Fantaji Ekushuu Eye Eye) is a tale of love, loss, androgynous anime characters, and dental floss. The 12th installment of Final Fantasy, it has done poorly in sales (obviously), partially because of the many Square Enix fans that had the common sense to return this game, but also due to people Googling "Ashe and Fran mud wrestling" instead of buying the game. This game is not about the cold war, nor is is about nuclear weaponry.

Main Characters

• Vaan -- A stoner obsessed with getting back at the Empire. His dream is to become a sky pirate and search for booty from the skies (like every other damn kid in Ivalice), because he's too stupid to notice that his best friend Penelo is ready to give it to him at any moment. Likes big swords and, of course, big asses. Wants to get revenge on the empire for killing his brother Tyrannosaurus Reks. Played by Ryan Renolds, as he can't seem to age. Oh, and did you notice how his face shining shimmering splendid like diamonds because he can't even afford to buy facial wash for oily skin even though he can get freaking lots of gil!? Alas, this is the life of a pirate. Please note that this person is NOT CAPTAIN BASCH.

• Penelo -- Head of Dalmasca's Itty Bitty Titty Committee. She usually hangs out with her man-bitch Vaan, whom she wants so badly and shows it with every long, drooling look she sends his way during cut scenes. Appears to have a strange attachment to Larsa. Very self-conscious about her figure, even though those thighs are what keeps Larsa comin'. She holds the world record for the wimpiest special attacks.

• Balthier -- Also called Han Solo, is a sky pirate known for his quick wit and use of his silver tongue as a cunning linguist. It has been suggested he is stupid; after all, only a total schmuck would bother purchasing "Altair" on the License Board. Balthier has more raw, charming sexual power than Cloud and Sephiroth combined (and is also less of a pussy), and is the owner and pilot of the Milleni--err... Strahl. He finds out that Dr. Cid is his father, and reacted with a dramatic and lengthy DO NOT WANT, the climax of the entire game. And then the Strahl exploded. The End. Also, Balthier is known for NEVER dying, no matter how hard you tried to kill him off, he just stands there whilst all his friends are dead. Because he has a gun that takes about several years to reload, that means he doesn't need to fight, or more importantly, DIE.

• Fran A Viera who can pilot a mean hoverbike. Hangs out with Balthier in exchange for hot sky pirate booty, because no woman can resist the smooth charms of Balthier. She is also known as Sexxxy Legs Misty at her old job at a strip club in lower-east Rozarria. Incidentally, she met (and conducted business with) Vaan prior to the game's start.

• Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca (THE REAL ONE) -- A royal guard who, due to his OCD, killed the king. He claims it wasn't him, but his evil twin brother. Pfft, yeah right. Played with gusto by William Shatner. Frequents wearing randomly colored oven-mitts over his chest. Also the most fuckin' badass character in the game.

• Ashe -- While she may be a total bitch, and part-time nose picker, she is unnaturally hot, and therefore exempt of all criticism. She likes to gasp a lot and has hallucinations of dead people frequently. She is also one of the leaders of "La Resistance", a rebel group that aims to stop the Archadian Empire's plan of "MASS STARVATION"...

• Tidus -- After being vanished from the land of Spira, Tidus once again gone back to the another dimension, but this time disguises himself as Vaan, hoping to stop the war.

Villains

• Emperor Grammy Guinness Solitaire -- Really old guy. Has a beard. Subjugates neighbors. Enjoys cookies.

• Vayne Carcrash Solitaire -- An emo with a "flock of seagulls" haircut. Reported to be the worst final boss with the most amount of pussy underlings ever. His hobbies include laughing at falling fat people and hovering over Larsa's bed while the kid sleeps at night, because his ass gets pwned by Larsa McGuggles at the end.

• Larsa Apso A.K.A Sir "Lamont Larsalot" -- Rumored to be Vayne's younger brother and/or child male prostitute. Appears to be female, yet constant prompts from characters seem to prove otherwise, much to the disbelief of the player. He seems to be interested in older woman, as seen from his sexual fantasies about Penelo. He is famous for his long, rambling speeches filled with pop culture references, which either means he has ADD, or is Joss Whedon. But he IS cute. In a child prostitute-type way. Also known for his bizarre choice of socks... and cocks. Also the only guy who actually has an adam's apple.

• Ciderfus Demon Banana -- - "Ffamran, I am your father."

• Venat -- A ghost who tries to liberate mogkind by declaring war on everything and killing everyone. Possibly related to Guilty Spark. (Wasn't he a Pokemon?)

• The Supreme Court (of Archadia) -- A group of judges who meticulously make terrible decisions, oppress minorities, and otherwise make life miserable for non-Archadians. Also known to dress in sweet armors and look menacing. Sadly, they drop like flies. Among their number is Judge Dredd and that guy from Night Court.

• Judge Basch's Twin Brother -- The leader of the Judges. Built Noah's Ark. He has a certain "thing" for Larsa. Together with Basch they starred in the hit live action movie "The Super Ronsenburg Bros.". - "Basch, I am your brother." Note that, in his own words, "HATRED IS WOT DRIVES ME!"

• Judge Geese Howard -- a.k.a Ghis A lame judge who dies in the beginning and has a crap hair cut. Wears gold armor and mismatched socks. (Perhaps Larsa stole them?). Played by the immortal, the reverential, the most holy and lord of lords, Mark Wing-Davey.

• Judge Bergan Vegetus --Distinguished by his tall spiky hair, Bergan was always proud of his power, and with the power of nethicite it grew OVER 9000! He hates religion and gods, and kills the Pope of Ivalice and a city full of refugees. Shouts "Hark!" and wields a bigass weapon. He flips out and kills himself, as he just can't seem to best Kakarot.

• Judge Woman -- The only female judge, so of course they kill her, as she is a woman achieving something in a man's world-blah-blah-feminism-blah-blah-nobody gives a fuck.

• Judge Za... Za... Zargiathbathat... Zargobathnat... Zargatakeabath... Uhm, Judge Steve -- A friendly military man. Does nothing and thus becomes the only surviving judge of the game. Rides a guy named Alexander. Or something.

• Judge Foris Grishenko Zecht -- Destroyed an entire country and fled like a girl. Honestly, if you can ruin a whole effing nation why run like a sissy? Anyway, Zecht's identity remains hidden. Who could he be? Reddas? Yes, as a matter of fact. (You: Meesa got spoiled?!)

• Sephiroth -- Yes, he's back again, but playing as role of a judge, so he's Judge Sephiroth. Since he dedicates his life to hunting down Cloud only to further harass him-creeepy-he spends half the game searching for someonewho doesnt exist in this world. He'll find his Huggy-Bear, though; no amount of worlds or restraining orders can stop his love-I mean- malice.

• Backgammon -- A lizard with a gambling problem. He has a grudge for Balthier, accusing him of cheating at texas holdem. Thus he has set out with his bestest friends (see below) to exact a gruesome revenge using the guise of "Bounty Hunter" to avoid unwanted attention from the authorities.
• Gijuk, Bwagi and Rinok -- Backgammon's bestest friends..

• Sand People Tuscan Raiders Fremen Urutan-Yensa -- They are people who dwell in the sand and raid those who pass by. They ride Bantha Yansa Sandworms Fish. They are stupid. You wreck the shit out of them. I mean, you can chain like a hundred of them. Anyway, they're from the Westersand.

• Yiazmat* -- With over 50 million hp, this calm creature sympathizes with your efforts, rolling over and allowing you to hack him to death. It still takes seven hours to kill him, however.

Races

• Brit Hume -- These guys appear everywhere in the game. Apparently, they are greedy and warlike. Somehow, the people on the earth outside of the game resemble them. Metaphor?

• Moogle -- What the hell this crap spawns again in every Final Fantasy series. Moogle's are so light even you can throw it to somewhere. so, They should be look alike A grenade

• Seeq -- Walking and talking pigs. They are mostly in the way. Much like some races in our own world.

• Bangaa -- A lizard like people. Miguel Jello, Backgammon and Raz are Bangaas. Commonly referred to as Bangaasaurus. Oh, and calling them lizards makes you a racist.

• Viera -- A race of hot lesbian rabbit-eared chicks known for wearing high heels. I'm not making this up.

Plot

In the lands of Ivalice, where the shadows lie, a thief named after the vehicle he was conceived in runs errands for his boss, Jello. When doing so, he decides to try to break into the Royal Palace of Rabanastre. His 'friend' Penelo tells him not to go, but he is caught up in his dream of working at Chippendales. He steals magicite, meets a sky pirate, saves a princess, gets caught masturbating, and is caught by Lord Vayne, all on the same day.

Breaking out of prison, he runs to save Penelo, who was kidnapped by a group of Bangaas and uses her as "master bait" to catch Balthier. The Bangaas pour petrol on Penelo and cut her ear off while dancing. Meanwhile, the thief meets up with the Lady Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca (what the hell kind of name is that?!!), as well as Balthier the Sky Pirate and his friend Fran. After saving the princess (in another castle) again, then they try to make a Final Fantasy by getting six members and fighting giant turtles in deserts while addictive music plays.

To Further Summarise:

-Vossler dies.

-Doctor Cid is Balthier's dad, and dies.

-Reddas is Judge Zecht, and dies.

-Vayne kills Gabranth who went good again.

-Vaan and Vayne are the SAME PERSON! (Ed: Is there any proof for this?)

-Vayne becomes a HUGE ripoff of Bahamut.

-Somebody kisses a moogle.

-Balthier dies.

-The Millenium Falcon is stolen.

-Vaan is the only one to see a problem with Basch's "my evil twin did it!" story, even though he's typically the dumbass! But all the 'smart' characters say "WTF Vaan?! He's obviously telling the truth, it makes perfect sense!"

-The ending credits roll.

- Ondore lied.

Gameplay

FFXII features the all new Alternate Dimension Battle system, where you travel through time and space and screw up the Chrono Trigger universe as much as possible before retreating to your own safe haven in Rabanastre, where you spend all your hard-earned gil on the slot machines. You can also go on quests to hunt down the Square Enix employees who were behind previous FF gems FFX-2, make Satanic pacts with Demons, and get hit by enemies who are ten feet away for no apparent reason in classic RPG style.

Thanks to the fantastic new gambits, battles are not the hard work they once were. In fact, it is technically possible, if one has the time and the correct game manual, to program the entire game to play by itself. This was a feat only previously achievable by Chuck Norris, but now it can be achieved by you!

Quickenings

Similar to "Limit Breaks" in FFVII and VIII, "Trance" in FFIX and "Overdrives" in FFX, there are special attacks a character may utilise in Final Fantasy XII. Once you have purchased EVERY FUCKING SQUARE on the Licence Board, then you go to ANOTHER damn License Board and buy ALL THOSE DAMN SQUARES, then you can use Quickenings. In order to charge the meter to use a Quickening, one must:

A: Kill an immortal Scotsman, or

B: Drop a lot of LSD.

C. Hold X,O, your dick, then lick your toes, make pancakes, and finally hold start.

Conspiracy Theories

Many of the game's fans, after finishing the game, noted great similarities between the game's plot and that of director Kevin Smith's films. Here is a partial list of things noted:

• Rasler dies at the beginning of the game; Jennifer Lopez dies at the beginning of Jersey Girl.
• Penelo and Vaan work at a store, of sorts. When they leave the store, they get into a great deal of trouble and have to run/drive away from everyone - a near mirror of the funeral scene in Clerks.
• Balthier is heard muttering that he likes circus seals in one scene.
• Dr Cid is Balthier's dad. Kevin Smith, too, has a dad.
• Both FFXII and many of Kevin Smith's films can be played on a Playstation 2.
• There are dead people in FFXII; there are also dead people in Kevin Smith's films.
• Baltheir refers to himself as the leading man; Kevin Smith's films also have leading men.
• Vaan is whining most of the game; Dante is whining for most of Clerks.
• In Clerks, the hockey game ends when it is revealed the team only brought one puck. In FFXII, the game is over when it is revealed you only brought one Phoenix Down.
• And if Fran and Balthier weren't based on Jay and Silent Bob, then I'm Kurt fucking Russel.