User:Bad Motherfucker/Presidential Wrestling Classic
Dick Willie Johnson: Hey there folks! Thank you for tuning in to the Presidential Wrestling Classic! As always I'm your host, Dick Willie Johnson, joined by my good friend and colleague Bud "Lite" Bigmeat.
Bud "Lite" Bigmeat: Yes, let me be the first to tell everyone that we have one hell of a show for y'all tonight. This is something truly special.
Dick Willie Johnson: Folks, grab a cold beer and just enjoy the show tonight. No matter how old you are, grab a goddamn beer, crack that sumbitch open and get a little buzz going.
Bud: Goddamn right, Dick. I got me some Jack Daniels! My absolute favorite, as I'm sure you all know!
Dick: I'll be having some of that later, Bud. Let's run through the matches we have going on tonight for y'all. First up, we have a Handicap Ladder match between Franklin D. Roosevelt and the newly formed team named "America's Asskickers," which is made up of William Howard Taft, Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, and Gerald Ford.
Bud: Damn, what a team! How the hell is FDR going to even defend himself? He's in a goddamn wheelchair!
Dick: Well, Bud, I don't think he really can. It's just attempted murder I'm pretty sure. Soon after that folks, we have a Hell in a Cell match between George Washington and George III. Now that's one I'm really looking forward to, I gotta say.
Bud: Oh, absolutely. Then, for our last match, we have a modified casket match called Last Rites. John F. Kennedy, William McKinley, James A. Garfield, and Abraham Lincoln.
Dick: That's the match I'm looking forward too the most, I've been waiting for that one since this event was confir-... We've just received word that Joe Biden and Donald Trump are having an altercation backstage!
Bud: I'll be damned! Look at your screens, people! We have a camera crew rushing to the scene now!
Donald Trump: How you like me now? You sleepy bastard!
Dick: BY GOD! Trump just slammed a steel chair right into Biden's cranium! He's on the ground in pain! ELBOW DROP!
Bud: Somebody needs to get back there before they kill each other! This is going to get ugly!
Dick: Looks like it's getting ugly right now! Biden's forehead is bleeding profusely! Here comes another chair sla- BIDEN ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AND GRABS HOLD OF THE CHAIR!
Bud: They're fighting for that damn thing! OOF! Biden keeps driving it forward into Trump's stomach! Trump is down on one knee! STEEL CHAIR RIGHT TO THE HEAD OF TRUMP, FOLLOWED UP BY A NASTY MOONSAULT RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM!
Dick: Trump looks like he's out! Look at that! Biden's wiping his feet on him!
Joe Biden: That's right, clean my shoes you orange fuck!
Dick: Looks like Trump and Biden are keeping it classy with each other.
Bud: Biden turns around now and seems to be... taunting a crowd that isn't there? He's not even looking at the camera, Dick.
Dick: He better watch out because Trump is back up on his feet! No, he's not gonna do it is he?!
Bud: Looks like he might be, he's getting in the stance. About to pull the trigger on what he calls the ".45 Caliber," Biden is in huge trouble!
Dick: Don't do it, Biden! Don't turn aro- MY GO- WHAAATT?! BIDEN REVERSED IT! HE PILEDRIVES TRUMP INTO THE GROUND!
CRUNCH
Bud: Good Lord! That was the sound of his skull slamming on the floor! I think he's actually out now! Hell, he might be dead!
Dick: With these backstage brawls, there is always the possibility of injury, or even death. Which is why it's fucking awesome.
Bud: Couldn't have said it myself, Dick. Whiskey?
Dick: Absolutely.
Bud: Biden is again working a crowd that is not there... Oh, he's looking into the camera this time! I think he figured it out.
Joe Biden: I am so deeply sorry.
Dick: ...
Bud: ...
Dick: What?
Bud: Look at that, tears are in his eyes! Now he's shuffling towards the doors? I-... Did Biden just walk out?
Dick: Did he win or lose? Trump's trying to get back up, but look at that dent in his skull, Bud. That's some elite levels of brain damage and blood.
Bud: What the fuck? Who is he even apologizing to?
Dick: Judging by the music, I think Trump has been declared the victor. That was an absolute cluster fuck!
Bud: Yeah, looks like he's a winner with that goddamn dent in his skull. I don't know how the hell he's even standing up. He's trying to speak into the camera.
Donald Trump: *loud grunting and drooling*
Dick: Beautiful statement from the prez.
Bud: I'll tell you what, this next match is going to be a clusterfuck, but in a good way. You know?
Dick: Oh, one hundred percent. I'm really looking forward to it.
Bud: Folks at home, grab another beer, maybe two. Don't go anywhere, because the action is only getting started and we have plenty of it tonight for you on the Presidential Wrestling Classic. We're gonna take a quick commercial break and rejoin you back before the ladder match.
Dick: Welcome back folks. The next match is about to start here shortly, definitely going to be an interesting one. Wouldn't you say, Bud?
Bud: Absolutely.
Dick: Here come America's Asskickers. Ready to kick ass. For America.
Bud: Look at them, how the hell is FDR going to handle this?
Dick: No clue, Bud. The Asskickers climb into the ring and each of them start saluting the crowd.
Bud: Uh oh, I think FDR has lost control of his wheelchair! He's speeding towards the ring, holy shit he's going real fast!
CRASH!
Dick: MY GOD! He just slammed into the side of the ring and got catapulted into the middle of it! The Asskickers are beating the shit out of him! Good Lord!
Bud: Teddy picks FDR up using his raw strength and powerbombs FDR! This is awesome!
Dick: Looks like Taft is getting a ladder from outside. Gerald Ford goes on the top rope and gives FDR a brutal leg drop to the face! Jackson gets on top of him and starts delivering some palm strikes! This is brutal!
Bud: I don't know how he's gonna do it, Dick! FDR would have to pull off a goddamn miracle to reach that briefcase!
Dick: Looks like Taft is putting that ladder up in the middle of the ring, he's climbing up! I think he's gonna get the briefca- WAIT WHAT?!
Bud: He's not gonna jump on FDR is he? Not from up there, don't do it! Taft is 350 pounds! He's gonna kill him! DON'T DO IT, GODDAMNIT!
CRUNCH!
Dick: HE'S GOTTA BE DEAD! HE'S GOTTA BE DEAD! THEY'VE KILLED HIM!
Bud: WAIT NO! LOOK AT HIM, HE'S MOVING AROUND! WHAAAT?!
Dick: The crowd is going fucking wild!
Bud: I think FDR is bleeding internally! Shit fire! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if he got crushed so hard that he started to walk again!
Dick: Oh good God, what are they going to do to him now? Oh Christ almighty, this is just sadistic! Each of them have grabbed a hold of FDR's limbs and they're just pulling as hard as they can! FDR is screaming in pain!
Bud: They're gonna rip him apart! STOP!
Dick: They've dropped him, and now Teddy grabs the ladder and starts slamming it in FDR's face! Looks like FDR catches the legs with his hands, and pushed it up into Teddy's face! He's fighting back, yes!
Bud: OOH! Gerald Ford with a brutal soccer kick to the head of FDR. He shut that shit down quick! Oh no, Jackson is on top of FDR, and he's slamming his head into the mat like a goddamn gorilla! FDR pokes Jackson in his eyes and headbutts him!
Dick: Looks like Teddy is ready to hit his signature move, the Bullmoose Backbreaker! Here he goes!
Bud: Teddy picks FDR up into a gorilla press, oh this is gonna be ugly! HE TAKES FDR AND SLAMS HIS BACK ON HIS KNEE, BY GOD!
Dick: That was fucking awesome! Ford takes the ladder and stands it back up in the middle of the ring, I think he's gonna show some mercy and unhook that damn briefcase!
Bud: Oh! Look at that! FDR is crawling to the ladder, he's using all of his strength to topple it over! No wa- OH MY GOD! HE DID IT! FORD GOES FLYING OUT OF THE RING!
Dick: Jackson sics onto FDR like a pitbull and looks to be trying to break his goddamn neck! Ford is already back in the ring, and he means business! Oh no, what do Taft and Roosevelt have planned? Looks like they're gonna sla- OH THEY LAUNCH HIM ABOUT 20 FEET INTO THE AIR! HOLY SHIT, HE'S GONNA CRA- WHAAAAAATTTT?!
Bud: HE SNATCHED THE BRIEFCASE ON THE WAY DOWN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! WHAT DID I JUST SEE?! HE'S WON! FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT HAS WON THE LADDER MATCH!
Dick: Holy fuck, pour me some of that Jack Daniels, Bud.
Bud: Yeah, of course. Can somebody get us some double glasses?
Dick: Let's go to commercial break and I'm gonna try to believe what I saw, because WHAT THE FUCK! That was amazing!
Dick: Folks, welcome back to the Presidential Wrestling Classic. We have two more matches left tonight, and it's gonna keep gettin' better, lemme tell ya.
Bud: That's right, Dick. This match here is a Hell in a Cell match between George Washington and King George III. This is definitely a grudge match, and it's gonna be a good one. These two absolutely ha-
Dick: Wow, just listen to that crowd. They really do not like King George, not one bit.
Bud: That's for sure, Dick. I've never heard booing that loud, ever. King George is already on top of the cell.
Dick: Now, on the contrast, the crowd absolutely LOVES George Washington! I've never heard such a loud crowd pop in my life!
Bud: Washington seems to just be taking it all in. Now he diverts his attention to King George, who's on top of the cell.
Dick: Washington is SPRINTING towards the ring, and he's climbing up the cell fast! He's made it up, and the two are staring at each other. Pure hatred and seethe.
Bud: Washington strikes first with a chop to the chest, and follows it up with a kick to the leg! Washington pushes him down and jumps on top of him, and is relentlessly punching King George in the face!
Dick: King George decides he's had enough and punches Washington right in the jaw! Washington sprawls off to the side, and King George gets back on his feet. OOH! What a nasty elbow drop from King George! Washington rolls over on his side, now King George is going for a double axe handle! MISSED IT! Washington barely moved out of the way, which makes King George slam his hands into the cell. OH NO! I think I just saw a rivet pop off! They're gonna fall through the goddamn cell!
Bud: I don't think they noticed! Washington kicks King George in the back of the head, and he picks him up preparing for a PILEDRIVER! DON'T DO IT!
SMASH
Dick: BY GOD! THEY'VE BROKE THE GODDAMN CELL! WASHINGTON AND KING GEORGE HAVE SLAMMED THROUGH THE CELL AND ONTO THE MAT! Are they fucking dead?!
Bud: Not yet! Washington is moving down there! He crawls on top of King George for the pin! The ref slides in!
ONE!
TWO!
Dick: WHAT THE HELL?! KING GEORGE KICKS OUT RIGHT BEFORE THE THREE COUNT! OH MY GOD! I thought he was dead!
Bud: Washington is laying on the mat in absolute disbelief! How the hell did he kick out?!
Dick: I have no idea where he got the strength for that, but now he's slowly rising to his feet and is staring Washington down. Washington stands back up and delivers some Sweet Chin Music right on King George! He goes stumbling backwards and over the ropes! He somehow manages to land on his feet, but barely.
Bud: Oh look at th- OOOOOHHH! OFF OF THE TOP ROPE, WASHINGTON DROPKICKS KING GEORGE THROUGH ONE OF THE PANELS AND COMPLETELY BREAKS IT! King George is on the ground in severe pain! Washington starts climbing up the cell, and King George looks to have recovered surprisingly quickly. He's climbing up right behind Washington.
Dick: Oh, something gnarly is going to happen here, I just know it is! They're standing in the middle of the cell, and they're just exchanging punches! I mean they're absolutely slugging each other! Washington seems to be the stronger man and King George is knocked down! Washington picks up King George into a gorilla press! Jesus Christ, he's gonna kill him!
Bud: I think he's going to toss him back down on the ri-.. Nevermind! Washington walks right back and is now near the ed- NO! HE'S GONNA TOSS HIM ON THE ANNOUNCER'S TABLE! BACK UP, DICK!
Dick: HE'S GONNA KILL HI-
CRASH
Bud: JESUS HAROLD CHRIST! I THINK WASHINGTON HAS KILLED HIM! He's out of hi-.. OH MY GOD! WASHINGTON IS GONNA JUMP ON TOP OF HIM! HE'S ACTUALLY LOST IT! BACK U-
SLAM
Dick: OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING! OH! OH! THE REF SLIDES IN AND HE'S GONNA COUNT THE PIN!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bud: Dick, I gotta tell you. I absolutely love this job. That was fucking insanity. Let's cut to a commercial real quick, folks. Grab some more beer and get ready for the final match, a modified casket match between Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, William McKinley, and James Garfield. It's gonna be one hell of a match, that's for damn sure.
Dick: Welcome back to the Presidential Wrestling Classic, folks. Our final match is about to begin and you're not gonna wanna miss it!
Bud: That's right. Folks, if you haven't already, grab yourself another beverage, kick back and enjoy the last match.
Dick: Look at them, just staring at each other with pure malice. The four presidents will attempt to place one another into caskets, in which once the casket is closed, the president inside is eliminated. There are three caskets, so there can only be one winner.
Bud: Who you got winning this one?
Dick: That's too easy, I think it's Lincoln. It's gonna be a tough one for him though. The bell rings and the action starts!
Bud: Garfield with a big boot to the face of Kennedy! Lincoln gets hit with an uppercut by McKinley! Lincoln stumbles back into Garfield, and Garfield throws a double axe handle right into the face of Lincoln!
Dick: Kennedy stands up and delivers a clotheslines to McKinley! Garfield turns and kicks Kennedy in the stoma- OHHH! A STUNNER! GARFIELD JUST HIT THE STONE COLD STUNNER ON KENNEDY! Lincoln with a running elbow right to the face of Garfield! McKinley is back on his feet and grabs a hold of Lincoln! Lincoln reverses it and delivers a Russian legsweep to McKinley! Kennedy is back on his feet! Wait, what the hell is this? People from the crowd are rushing into the ring!
Bud: Who the hell are these people running into the ring? Are those fans?
Dick: OH MY GOD! GARFIELD HAS BEEN SHOT!
Bud: TWO MORE SHOTS RING OUT! MCKINLEY AND LINCOLN ARE HIT!
Dick: GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE, KENNEDY!
Bud: KENNEDY IS HAULING ASS OUTTA THERE! RUN GODDAMNIT!
Dick: SOMEONE IS FIRING FROM THE UPPER STANDS! THAT ONE MISSED KENNEDY!
POW!
Bud: NOT THAT ONE THOUGH! THAT DEFINITELY HIT HIM IN THE THROAT! HE'S STILL RUNNING! GO YOU SUMBITCH!
POW!
Dick: WHAT A SHOT! KENNEDY HAS BEEN SHOT IN THE HEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!
Bud: That's some damn good shooting! Hot damn!
Dick: Security is rushing to the ring and Kennedy! It's too late though, I think they're dead!
Bud: Holy shit, I did not expect that! That was fucking awesome!
Dick: Yeah, no kidding! Well folks, thank you for tuning in to the Presidential Wrestling Classic! We hope you enjoyed, and we'll see you all later! Now, let's go get some drinks, Bud.