UnNews:Biden apologizes

October 26, 2024

WASHINGTON, DC: President, and soon to be former-president, Joseph R. Biden apologized this afternoon.

After waking up from a vigorous 12 hours of deep slumber and strolling through the White House completely unattended, the President unexpectedly blundered into the middle of an ongoing news conference being conducted by White House press-secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. Gently pushing her off to one side, Biden directed his attention to the gaggle of hushed reporters and live video cameras and solemnly issued the following statement:

“ I am so deeply sorry. ”

— President Biden

The next 30 seconds or so saw President Biden standing motionless at the podium and with great sadness in his moistened eyes. Just as he was seemingly going to address his rapt audience any further, he slowly shuffled off and disappeared through the gaping door without taking any questions. Biden's current whereabouts are unknown as of this hour.

Karine deftly covered for the wayward and pajama-clad Biden by saying "And yet once again the President has demonstrated his heartfelt commitment to deliver for the American people, just as he has been doing now for the past three point seven five years, and will continue to do so for the next zero point two five years." The final 20 minutes of the hour were peppered with urgent questions from the bamboozled media about what exactly Biden was supposedly apologizing for, to which Karine repeatedly said "I have no readout on that I can give out at this the present time, I would refer you to the Department of Veteran Affairs and the Department of Homeland Security for what if any specifics on which they may or may not have to share with y'all."

Members of the White House staff have been notified to report immediately to Vice-president Kamala Harris if they perchance spot an elderly man with a pained expression on his face wandering aimlessly through the hallways of the vast mansion, in the hopes that somebody can successfully guide him back to the safety of his warm cozy bed and strap him down tuck him in for his regularly-scheduled afternoon nap.

For further background on this rapidly developing story, see UnNews:Biden apologizes for forgetting about Ukraine (June 7, 2024).