User:Another n00b/Uncyclopedia Timeline

∞ BC - 13,775,000,002 BC

• The Earliest life in the Universe slowly wakes up at the dawn of the universe.
• Slowly, the first thought is thought. It is - "What the heck is going on?" (It wasn't exactly like that, as the first language and words had not yet been invented).
• Gravity is born, but goes unnoticed for many millennia.
• Absolutely fuck all happens.

13,775,000,001 BC

Oscar Wilde and Carmine on an airplane piloted by Tom Cruise and John Travolta just seconds after the Big Bang.

• Three seconds before the Big Bang, Oscar Wilde arrives on his magical penny-farthing, coming from exactly one second before the end of Time.
• The Big Bang occurs. Now something interesting has happened for the first time.
• Immediately, The universe is now teeming with life, all wondering what has just happened.

The following few seconds after the Beginning of the Universe

Now, because of the Air plane carrying various notable historical figures that just narrowly avoided the end of the Universe, now realise that they are the first living creatures in the Universe who aren't puzzled at what the heck has just gone on. They then realise they have to start off on the concept of "Planets" And "Atmosphere" that would later be given to the Gods.

“It's a Mission Statement!”

~ Tom Cruise on computer and starts typing in commands

“Time to get started”

~ Solomon

• Fifty-two seconds after the Big Bang, David Bowie buds forth from Oscar Wilde and invents the mullet, magic, and the concept of Awesome.
• Fifty-three seconds after the Big Bang, Albert Camus buds forth from Oscar Wilde and begins drinking gin.
• Fifty-four seconds after the Big Bang, Nietzsche buds forth from Oscar Wilde and declares all things to be "absurd" (whatever that means).
• Fifty-four and 1/10 of a second later, Albert Camus tries to get Nietzsche to have a drink of gin with him, resulting in "The Fall" (if you don't get that joke, you suck at philosophy).
• Fifty-four and 2/10 of a second later, Gravity Coyote comes into existence.
• Fifty-five seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos comes into existence.
• Fifty-six seconds after the Big Bang, Morgan Freeman is vomited out by a drunken Nietzsche.
• Fifty-seven seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos farts, thus creating time.
• Fifty-eight seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos scrapes [m superpowers; this being what Wilde always wanted, he quickly invents homosexuals.
• Fifty-nine seconds after the Big Bang, Paris Hilton is birthed from a lump of swirling gases.
• Fifty-nine and a quarter second after the Big Bang, Solomon in a fit of amusement, invents the Bicycle. Also begins to ponder the Future, and how he should be involved.
• Sixty seconds after the Big Bang, Paris Hilton is overheard saying, "That's hawt." (Perhaps she was making an inference that the the plasma and such swirling around at the time was in the billions of degrees... nah...)
• Sixty-two seconds after the Big Bang, the movie "Snakes on a Plane" is finally created.
• Sixty-eight seconds after the Big Bang, the PC game Spore gets delayed until Sixty-Nine seconds after the Big Bang.
• Sixty-Nine seconds after the Big Bang, Duke Nukem forever is announced to be released "sometime soon".
• Seventy seconds after the Big Bang, God rushes in, breathlessly asking, "Am I late?" There is awkward silence for millennia. Solomon coughs.
• Seventy-one seconds after the Big Bang, God made a buttload of angels. the most beautiful one was Lucifer.f. God instantly Damned Lucifer and he became the second most ugly fuck in existence at the time. The most ugly being your mom
• Seventy-three seconds after the Big Bang, Lucifer started plotting the downfall of all, Lady Gaga.
• Ninety-Two seconds after the Big Bang, Your Mom got laid for the 2nd time already.

“And there was much rejoicing.”

~ Pithy Saying Man

10,000,000,000 BC

• The gods later appear from out of the heavens, and decide to finish off the Universe.
• The Bigger Bang occurs, but is generally criticised as being a ploy, and inferior to the original.
• The first air is invented.

“This is hard work you guys...Time for a break!”

~ God

• Physics decides that it should really start laying down some laws 'n shit. Thus, the four fundamental forces are born, and remain pretty much unchanged to this day. (Weak force was nerfed a bit when discovered it continually kicked the shit out of the strong force.).

9,999,999,999 BC

• First recorded evidence of Tweed, brought to trial, later acquitted.
• Tom Cruise, turns on his Macbook. However he had to get the gods to invent it first.
• Oscar Wilde writes a short poem on a Macbook, Technically becoming the first poem.

9,999,999,998 BC

• Morgan Freeman invents the basket.
• Extreme Underwater Basket Weaving is invented.
• Solomon pauses to look over the events so far. He then remarks at saying:

“Heh, this is only the beginning”

~ Solomon on events so far

9,199,700,100 BC

• God invents neutron stars. Describes them as being "fucking trippy" and moves them far away from where the Earth is.
• Being bored, Denica Fairman invents the first sketches of anime.

6,000,000,000 BC

• Alfonso Cuarón carves Steve Kloves from a block of wood and gives him life.
• Sex was invented by the French at this time
• David Tennant dies and regenerates into Matt Smith.
• Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd dies and leave his Jesus Stick to his son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd.
• The guitar duel is still going on, Joe Satriani is spawned from John Petrucci's 380,921st insane tap solo.
• Although, Nobody has sex with the French, cause they're dirty.
• Solomon, still asleep, dreams of the Earth, and of the war-torn future of Mankind. He at first puts it down to too much cheese. Later, he isn't so sure. Oh, and Solomon invents cheese.