University of North Texas

University of North Texas
Home of the Flying Worm
Motto	As featured in the blockbuster movie "Necessary Roughness"
Established	During Spanish rule in Texas?
School type	Public (invite a friend!)
Head	Raj from "What's Happenin?"
Location	Denton, Texas, USA
Campus	Steppe prairie
Enrollment	32,000 undergraduates, 6,000 overgraduates Billions and billions served
Endowment	$42.38 + whatever international students can afford
Faculty	18 full-time, 3,000 part-time
Mascot	The "Mean Greens" of Don Henley

The University of North Texas (UNT, formerly North Texas State University, North Texas State College, North Texas State Teachers College, North Texas Normal College, Texas Normalcy College, College-college Bo-bollege Banana-fana-fo-follege Fi-fi-fo-follege Coll-ege and Collegia del San Jesus) is a public four-year university located in Denton, Texas. It is known mostly for its music school, (graduates are always asked if they studied music when they mention they went to school there) but apparently teaches other subjects as well.

History

Students of the University of North Texas pose for a photo with "Vinnie," a short-lived mascot in 1995.

The University of North Texas, formerly North Texas State University, formerly North Texas State College, formerly North Texas State Teachers College, formerly North Texas Normal College, formerly Texas Normalcy College, formerly College-college Bo-bollege Banana-fana-fo-follege Fi-fi-fo-follege Coll-ege, formerly Collegia del San Jesus, has uncertain origins. No documents exist from the time of its founding, but oral tradition states the university began as a training school for Monks during the period of Spanish rule of Texas. Its founder, Mario Lopez, gave 780,432,378 Spanish pesos (USD $416, adjusted for inflation in the year 3000) for the construction of a monastery and institution of higher learning for residents of the parched, grassy prairie the Cherokee called Ozi-ma Tuka-ha, loosely translated "The Land of Bad Air."

The student population stayed in the low teens, as the starving pupils -- after being financially exhausted from their first year at the college during a period when King Raul III deregulated tuition -- went in search of the mythical City of Gold, or "Ciudad de Oro." Others left due to severe allergic reaction to the pollen from the various grasses and nearby Cross Timbers. The wayward, cash-strapped monks-in-training found, instead of the City of Gold, a colony of Intuitive igloos made of yellow snow in what is now far northern Canada in the extended panhandle territory of the Republic of Texas. Ironically, this became their cash cow.

That contact resulted in the first exchange program of the struggling college. By the time of the Mexican Revolution, the college was nearly 71 percent Eskimo. Students learned the ways of the Inuit and brought back skills and barrels of dried whale flesh which helped the college get by in the lean century to come.

A map, adopted from a much older map, highlighting where the Denton campus of Collegia del Jesus (now University of North Texas) is in relation to its former Far North Texas Extension Campus and Igloo Research Laboratory.

The college came near disbandment in 1836 following the Texas Revolution. Untouched by the bloody and firey conflict to the south, the cash-strapped Republic of Texas traded the college's pristine adobe mission-style facilities (including its Far North Texas extension campus [which was actually in Oklahahoma, where WinStar Casino lies currently] and igloo research laboratory) for what later became Greer County, Texas. Texas President Sam Houston brokered the deal. Alamo survivor Aloyssious Ferdinand de San Luis Obispo Peluche continued to instruct pupils in his ranch house until his death circa 1890. It was then that students invented Jolly Ranchers candy to comfort mourners and to honor their longtime mentor.

Following the death of Peluche, the university was retconned by Joshua "Sparky" Chilton as a teacher training institute. Chilton, a noble woodsman who built the entire 1890 campus by hand with trees chopped down in what is now Rayzor Ranch, made the bold move to admit women. This move was wildly popular with the monks and the student population steadily grew in the years to come. Since the college's re-inception, the institution has had its name modified several times to reflect its growth and change, and once in the '60s to attract students who were fans of a popular song titled "The Name Game."

General Information

With an enrollment of more than 32,000 students (approximately half the size of Denton Bible Church on non-football Sundays), UNT is the largest university in north-northeastern central part of Texas and the fourth largest in the formerly independent and sovereign nation of Texas. The university is a member of the Federation of North Texas Area Universities, which means absolutely nothing, and it offers various graduate and overgraduate degrees in coordination with Texas Woman's University, Texas A&M University-Commerce, and the United Federation of Planets. It may also be accredited.

Traditions

UNT's traditions are as old as the universities they often steal them from.

• Friday Night @ Clark Park, a wanna-be yell practice stolen from Texas A&M.
• UNT had an actual live eagle at one time, hoping they would look like all of the Southwest Conference schools, but somebody bit the bird's head off.
• The Mean Green Model T: a great tradition at Georgia Tech, but a not so great tradition at UNT. The Model T is electric now for some reason, apparently because it was being driven so often.
• "Boomer" the cannon, which pretends to not be ripped off from University of Oklahoma and other institutions.
• Never winning a football game, a tradition rumored to be stolen from Florida International University, though North Texas may very well be the first to lose every game for a straight decade.
• It also has an albino squirrel. The squirrel died a few years ago, but was resurrected with Pat Boone's black magic.

Famous "people" who actually came to and graduated from UNT

Starting in 1976, UNT allowed non-humans who met all other qualifications to apply for admissions. A ficus tree was admitted to the university in the Fall semester of 1998 -- the first Chlorophyl-American to enter a U.S. public university or college. The tree never finished its first semester, making its leave later that fall. Some of the real "people" actually graduated and made something of themselves. Many of them appear in the UNT Hall of Fame, formerly located inside the Denton Whataburger. Some do not. Their stories are below.

Robocop

Robocop played Peter Weller in the film Some Jackass' Life. There's this scene where Peter Weller has to kill some guy, but there's this weird thing in his programming that prevents him from doing that, but then this other guy fires the guy he wants to kill, and then Peter Weller kills the first guy. It's a weird/good film, according to critics. But if you, the reader, were curious, Robocop majored in Women's Studies with a minor in Hotel and Hospitality Management. His GPA was 1.63, but he spent a lot of time partying (with women) so it's kind of excused -- that, and sometimes his head starts to reject his artificial brain.

"Doctor" Phil

"Doctor" Phil McGraw graduated approximately at the bottom of his class with a doctoral degree in "Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning Repair" during UNT's brief stint of granting correspondence degrees (1968-1980). His dissertation concerned how Rheumatoid Arthritis affects crawling though ventilation shafts, which was actually read by Bruce Willis in preparation for Die Hard, often considered the greatest film ever made that didn't star Robocop.

Tragedy struck when his affair with his air conditioner was made public. UNT revoked his degree and he could no longer practice HVAC repair in the state of Texas. Penniless and alone, "Doctor" Phil sold his soul to noted slaveholder, Oprah Winfrey. He now hosts a HVAC repair show for fat, white women. After his change of status from "male" to "Oprah slave", UNT ret-conned his time at UNT to promote their progressive policy of accepting non-humans.

"Marko" Sandman "Flint"

Marko Flint, born with the genetic defect of being made completely of sand, lived a life of deject loneliness. He was accepted in UNT's threatre arts program, where he minored in Material Sciences. His sandy performance of "Macbeth" brought tears of joy and irritating particles to the eyes of everyone in the audience.

After graduation, he attempted to start a career in television. His sand trails (which UNT would vacuum up after him) killed his fellow actors everywhere he went. Realizing he has no other marketable skills, he turned to a life of crime under the guise of Sandman. He has fought Spider-Man multiple times; someday he hopes to beat him.

Bill, the Singing Piece of Legislation

Bill, a piece of legislation that came to life, enrolled in UNT's College of Music, graduating with a degree in music composition, with a minor in aerodynamics. Its one-paper show, "I Am Just a Pending Piece of Traffic Legislation", flopped, due to his use of complex counterpoints and pithy views on American life. After getting advice from "Krusty the Klown" to add more bamf, he combined pseudo-educational tidbits and zippy tunes to start "Schoolhouse Rock", a very successful cartoon show where Bill would sing educational things while the CIA brainwashed kids to conquer Cuba. Highlights from the show include "Conjunction Junction", "Three is a Magic Number", and "I'm Just a Bill", a modified version of Bill's one-paper show after he was officially signed into law.

Legends and Myths

Indian Burial Ground

The original site for the University of North Texas was thought to have been built on an Indian burial ground. After Indians and the ACLU protested, the university was forced to say it was built on a Native American burial ground. Academicians became involved in the dispute, and the original site was ultimately determined to be built over a Western-Hemispheric/Native Peoples of America (Amerindian) burial ground.

Shortly after the name change of the burial site, what was left of the original adobe building and its environs was destroyed by a fire, presumably started by "dead injun spirits," according to the Denton Record-Chronicle.

Ship Wreckage

After sonar discovered debris of a possible shipwreck at the bottom of Lake Lewisville, researchers triangulated its position directly beneath the fraternity house of Alpha Phalfa. Upon excavation, the "shipwreck" was determined to be a large beer keg, cracked in half due to misuse and submerged in its own suds in the house's backyard.

The Ghost of Don Henley

After the university built the residential Bruce Hall in 1947, the ghost of Don Henley, avid musician and stamp collector, was seen roaming the empty hallways by the local residents. Legend has it that Henley, with the ghosts of Marvin Lee "Meatloaf" Aday and Norah Jones, haunts the hallways to feed on the souls of freshmen. This legend is complicated by the fact that Henley is not quite dead and did not even attend the university until the late '60s (and then it was on a dare). Some historians argue that when Henley dies (along with any other famous musical alumni), his ghost will be sent back in time to haunt Bruce Hall as punishment for the university stifling academic freedom because it's foundations were poured over the dead bodies of Republican Party-affiliated music professors.

The Curse of the Mean Green

Bruce Banner, the university's first athletic director, ran over a gypsy coming home from the football team's first away game (against Texas University in the Soviet Republic of Austin) after losing the the TU Fightin' Cows 572-0. The gypsy cursed Banner with her dying breath to turn into a giant green monster causing wanton destruction whenever the university loses a sporting event. This monster was originally called the Incredible Hulk, but was uncreatively renamed to the "Mean Green" by the university's marketing department after Stan Lee stole parts of Banner's life story to create the comic book character of the same name.

This curse passes on from athletic director to athletic director, but the process of how this works is unknown.

The current bearer of the curse, Rick Villarreal, pseudo-successfully attempted to change the mascot from the eagle to himself (in "Mean Green" form). Under the pretext of there being hundreds of universities with an eagle mascot but only two with mascots based on cursed administrators, he threatened to consume a live squirrel a day for three days unless the university crowned him as "mascot for life" and commissions a gold statue to be built by the Union of him mauling children. He would also refuse to be chained up during sporting games (a tradition based in pragmatism). The university compromised by keeping the eagle as a token mascot while putting "Mean Green" on all merchandise that matters and suppressing all other potential mascots, including the albino squirrel, the fightin' jack rabbit, the dragon, Gary Coleman, Robocop, the Flying Worm, and "Vinnie."

The Flying Tomato

The Flying Tomato, a well-worn pizzeria noted for the 20,000 calorie stuffed pizza, emo high school students smoking upstairs, and graffiti on the walls that dated back to Aaron Burr's failed Kingdom of Texas, was located on Fry Street, UNT's drinking hole. The Federal Aviation Administration revoked the restuarant's flying privileges following an unauthorized violation of Russian airspace during Fry Street Fair 1996, after which it became known simply as The Tomato. In the Fall of 2007, a developer from OUT OF TOWN bought the land the Tomato's building was on. Because the property made little money off of cash-strapped students (who paid an additional 1,000% in tuition per year after tuition deregulation), the new owners wanted to demolish the building and put up a CVS pharmacy/Starbuck's complex, thus ruining the hovel aesthetic. Hippies tried protesting the sale after the fact, protesting the closing before the fact, and protesting the demolition during the fact. After failing all these impotent attempts, they unleashed their ultimate solution: peyote-based thermonuclear devices. A smoldering hole is all the remains of this classic Denton establishment today.

After four years of operating as a resistance group, a Tomato government-in-exile has been established in the nearby community of Sanger,Texas operated by a shadowy cabal of ex-employees. They have petitioned the United Nations for the creation of a Tomato homeland in Denton.

Games

Flying Tomato patrons (consisting mostly of college dropouts, emo high school kids, wannabe college students, college students who can only afford to take three hours of classes per semester, and students whose only goal is to be a bartender) created several fun games to play when taking up space in the torn '70s booths made from old church pews and while sitting outside with the homeless waiting for an open table.

Easy Games

• Find a beer can
• Find a bum
• Find a joint/needle

Hard Games

• Find a clean table
• Find a parking space
• Find a graduate a job
• Finding someone who wants to hire a UNT student during the semester