Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:Ode to Codeine's Mum
UnPoetia:Ode to Codeine's Mum[edit source]
<3 Codeine's Mum --Wilytank can be a pain in the ass. 16:04, December 3, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 4 | I'm not too sure what exactly you're expecting from this review, given that the article is only a few lines long, but I will try my best. No one else is going to get this and I have a spare hour or so, so I might as well.
In terms of humour, it's not particularly funny in my opinion, but then I don't really like in-jokes or UnPoetia, so maybe that's just me. Let's take a look at some of the jokes you make and I'll go into more detail. The first joke really is the joke about her still being "tight" despite being in her 60s and being a mother of (at least) one. I personally don't find the joke effective, and there are several reasons why. Firstly, it's unnecessarily crude. Crudeness can be funny, but for some reason this doesn't quite work. Perhaps it's because it's so sudden, and the set-up of the article doesn't really prepare you for it. I mean, I'm one of the few fans of this article, but I think that might be because you know it's going to be horrible before you read it, and then it goes into the crudeness with such depth, whereas this is just a throwaway line. If the whole concept of the piece was simply an overly-personal ode to another user's mum, then it wouldn't be so bad, but then you pretty much abandon this style until the end. I suppose once you've read something as crude as that other article, something like this probably isn't going to shock you either, which doesn't help. What I'm saying is that if you're going to try and be shocking, you'd better know what the reader's threshold is so that you can really shock them. I'd also like to expand upon my comment that it's a "throwaway" line. What I mean is, it's a bit random and comes out of nowhere, and isn't really that funny anyway. In fact, the only justification for it being there is that it completes the rhyming couplet. This is one of the reasons I don't really like UnPoetia, especially ones that rhyme. They tend to rely upon words that rhyme rather than real humour, and I think this is the case here too unfortunately. The line about him being "better of dead" is exactly the same. It's just so cursory, and it's actually got nothing to do with the UN:CM policy. It wasn't that theses vain editors were better off dead, it was simply that their contributions would be undone. In fact, the only part of the article that even had a semblance of humour in my opinion was the last line, about the poet's desire to bum her, which breaks from both the metre and rhyming pattern. Could this be evidence that it's the rhyming that's the problem? Maybe, at least, it might be one of the problems. Now that I think about it, the only other two UnPoetias that I recall liking are UnPoetia:Show Me Your Tits! and Sophia, neither of which are metrical, nor do they rhyme (for the most part). What I would basically advise is to prioritise humour over rhyming. Having a freer form will allow you to go into a lot more depth about the subject, so the reader can get a better idea of who the narrator is, who Codeine's mum is (just because it's an in-joke we may not necessarily know this). Depth is definitely important here, the issue being that right now a lot of this doesn't make much sense. For instance, how does the poet know that Codeine's mum is still tight? Is he just guessing? Why does he love her so much anyway? It's all a bit short and a bit superficial. If you haven't read those two articles I linked to above, I recommend you do. The second one especially should give you an idea of what you should be aiming for here in terms of depth and style, as it's a similar concept. The first one is better though, so read that too. Another thing that put me off, and that will probably put others off is that it's an in-joke. There isn't really a lot you can say in this case, if you get rid of the in-joke you'd basically have nothing left. A lot of people seem to like them, but it's not an opinion I share. The only advice I can probably offer in regards to this is to move on to another article and focus your attention on that. |
| Concept: | 3 | I think there are very limited concepts that work when it comes to UnPoetia. The "Show me your tits" one works because it's such an unpoetic thing to write about, yet they do it in such a flowery, lyrical way. This article, on the other hand, is just a few weak jokes that rhyme. I'm not sure what you want to do here. One option would be to take the "crudeness" idea and develop it, perhaps make the core concept a contrast between the highbrow form and the lowbrow subject matter, like the tits poem does. Or maybe just make it all about how overly personal the narrator gets, much like this excellent article does. My main point here, of course, is that you need something more conceptually. Something that gives the article a purpose. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Right, not much to say here really. There was one line that was a bit clumsily written, this one: "Between, the free dinner and your anti-vanity movement, you're so fine." First of all, I'm not sure why there's a comma after the first word, and second, what do you mean by "between" anyway? The whole line doesn't really make any sense, and the grammar is awkward, so you'll have to revise it. Apart from that you seem to do ok with spelling and grammar and everything. Nice work.
In terms of formatting, the article is a little plain. Also, the all-italics makes it look scruffy. The other poetias I linked to take quite creative approaches to formatting, so I don't see any reason why you can't try something similar. After all, this isn't really an encyclopaedic article, you don't have to be so neutral. Be artsy! |
| Images: | 0 | A zero score here, simply because you have none. Usually, UnPoetias don't have images, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't think about it. Having done research for this, I realised there are two other UnPoetias I like; UnPoetia:Well-Oiled Birds and UnPoetia:Paradise Abridged, both of which have images. Have a look at these two, and see just how cutting-edge UnPoetia visuals and formatting can be. I guess that's the beauty of it really, you can be as arty as you want. So experiment with this and see what you can do. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | My gut feeling as to the overall piece. |
| Final Score: | 18 | Ok, sorry the review's a bit short, but then so is the article. I suppose the key thing you should be doing here is developing it. And when doing this, remember how limitless the possibilities are when it comes to UnPoetia. Be bold! I realise that I also linked to a hell of a lot of articles there, but I think it’s pretty important that you at least read a few of them, if you haven’t already. They’re all great. Anyway, I look forward to seeing you continue working on it. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 21:00, December 18, 2010 (UTC) | |