Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Batteries found Narcotic....
UnNews:Batteries found Narcotic....[edit source]
Yeah, so I need a full in-depth review from a PEEING member. Is that too much to ask? Sire Methamphetamine SMOKE METH! 16:52, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
 |
This article is under review by <font-weight:bold>Gerry Cheevers. Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!! |
never fear, a PEEING member is present!
| Humour: | 6 | hmmm the humor isn't consistently below average, but rather fluctuates quite a bit. there are parts that are good and clever, but other parts that drag, confuse, or fall flat. for example, the line "to power our crappy machinery, from the Wiimotes to the huge concert amplifiers to the cause of resurrection (Which only Duracell can do, no other battery can)" could work if delivered better. i assume you mean that resurrection of dead people is possible with duracell batteries, possibly even referencing the resurrection of the J-man. if so, it wouldn't "power the cause of resurrection", it would power the resurrection. i'd like to see you switch the order of this line around, to something like "they power (mandane thing 1), resurrections of the dead (most notably Jesus Christ), and (mundane thing 2)." sometimes throwing the thing that doesn't fit in the middle can throw the reader off just as well as having it at the end.
Also, with your list of things he was afraid of, you have 'death' in there several times. the repetition is good (HTBFANJS in action, nice!), but since there's so many synonyms for death, use 'em! something like "death, other thing, stoppage of heart, other thing, ceasing to be alive, other thing, and failure to continue living." The second half of your article is rather lacking in humor. You pretty much just describe an acid trip, then throw in some banter between news reporters. this is more of a problem in concept (see concept section), but it also could stand a few more lines like you have in your first paragraph. |
| Concept: | 6 | 5/5 points for a subject worthy of parody. okay, i can deal with a news stoy about how batteries would be harmful if you smoked them, becasue it's not really something that anybody should be worried about, as nobody would be dumb enough to do it.
1/5 points for execution. this is the biggest problem i have with your article. your execution is all over the place. firstly, unnews is an online news source, it doesn't print transcripts or television newscasts. they really don't translate well onto the page. i suggest eliminating the newscast approach and trying to write an article that might appear like a normal news item you might read on an online news source, until you get to the content. Also, lines like "He totally doesn't work for the government, we promise" take away from the official tone you should seek to use as an unnews reporter. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | just below adequate. some of your capitals and sentences were off, but i'll give you a proofread. this is quite short, even for an unnews; i suggest adding a few more paragraphs. |
| Images: | 6 | the one image you have is okay; but if you're going to include the word 'cylindrical' in your title, then surely you should find a picture without that pesky rectangular 9V battery. i think another image would serve well, maybe just a psychadelic swirl depicting the acid trip? |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | averageimised |
| Final Score: | 30 | my preview button tells me that your score is 30 (hey, all sixes!) i feel like there's a lot of room to improve. by switching the format to conform more to other unnewses, the tone and concept would be much better. to help with this, i suggest going through the featured articles and reading some featured unnewses. you should also add more content; interviews with concerned citizens are always good for some filler, as are expert opinions from made-up fields such as batteryology. read HTBFANJS over and over again, it never fails to help you see new ways to go with your article. good luck, and if you need anything else, feel free to contact me on my talk page. |
| Reviewer: | 19:52, 26 August 2008 (UTC) | |