Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Michael Jefferson (quick)

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Michael Jefferson

Uhm, hello, this is my third article and i just want some feed back on it, like crittisism(except spelling corrections..I know i spell bad) and some "how to make it better" suggestions and what ever else you can say about it. The article itself is about the world famus musician, Michael Jefferson.

The Thriller 00:24, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

when I'm done with the one I'm working on, I'll get to this. --DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 01:36, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

I watch South Park and need to flex my reviewing muscles, mind if I do this?--Sir ~HELPME~ ^{Count! Awards! Pee! Help!} 15:33, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

It doesnt matter who does it, you both can if you want, im really looking for feedback and critisism.--The Thriller 17:33, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

HELPME's booking stands rather than Iwillkillyou333's, if you want to give feedback Iwillkillyou then you only need to say on the talk page. --ChiefjusticeWii 18:27, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

Will someone just piss on this yet?--The Thriller 20:58, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

Working on it. If I don't finish today, which I probably won't, I'll do it tomorrow. Remember to be patient, reviewing takes a while, and I have IRL stuff like everybody else. I'm putting in quite a long one here, so it'll probably be worth the wait. :)--Sir ~HELPME~ ^{Count! Awards! Pee! Help!} 21:44, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

Please, be merciless--The Thriller 23:18, May 3, 2010 (UTC)

Not quite done, you may have to wait until tomorrow. I'm so sorry. I would say "anyone can review this now" but I'm almost finished but have to leave right now. As soon as I can, I'll finish. Sorry!--Sir ~HELPME~ ^{Count! Awards! Pee! Help!} 02:02, May 4, 2010 (UTC)

Humour:	4	This article was quite good for that of a new user. Multiple things bog it down, though. It’s not horribly bad or anything, it just needs a bit of help for it to be really good. OK, so now I'll go with my usual section-by-section format. Lede: Quotes are generally bad on Uncyclopedia. Usually, quotes get killed in a "quoticide", unless they're particularly funny. I suppose taking quotes directly from South Park isn't too bad. That Oscar Wilde quote- the Jew link seemed to be treading into random waters. Also, those "whoops" things have the same problem. And then we get into the first paragraph. So, the only thing that was trying to be funny here was the "TEE HEE" thing, and some sexual innuendo. The "TEE HEE" thing was actually a tiny bit annoying. Repetition can be funny, but not when it obstructs the rest of the article. I also see where the jokes are coming from, but they seem to be a bit unoriginal as well. That being said, I was amused, so it wasn't all bad. The second paragraph, same advice as the first. In the third paragraph, that joke about police officers is already used on South Park, and is a bit unoriginal. Early life: Alright, except that line about his childhood, in the middle of the stuff about the Jefferson five. I would suggest moving that to the top, so the earliest history goes first. It's more ordered. Solo career: The first part is fine. Now, to that stuff about Thriller. Um, just calling it Thriller would make it sound better. I liked how you tried the fanboy angle, but your prose made that joke kind of confusing. See P+F. The list of albums doesn’t have any jokes I can see. It is also a list. Lists are bad. I also feel as if there is a way for you to milk the potential of the last line a bit more. I would recommend making it sound more blunt. Also, there was a lot of first-person talk in this section, which is generally not good. We are a collection of encyclopedic articles, after all. Finally, that line about Nazi Germany was a bit random. I would seriously advise you get rid of that. Ethnicity: That “devil people” link is slightly random as well. Just linking to “white” would be less random, and a bit better. Other than that, this was pretty good to me. The “blanket” issue: I feel you could expand this to a full paragraph. Try adding some more original material to bulk it up, it will induce more laughs and make it better. Death: I feel a lot more could be worked in here. Not just length, but rather that I think it would be great to have more satire. For example, in the last sentence, instead of by the “Illuminati”, how about something more crazy, as a good one-liner? I have no idea what to put there myself, but I’m sure you can come up with something. The first few sentences there are pretty factual and not very interesting. I would seriously recommend some satire about the people who miss him. Fan’s (spelling fixed) denial of death: Meh, I don’t like his one too much. I feel you could satirize it a bit better. For example, you could imply the fans are crazy (don’t directly say it- subtle is good) while sounding like you agree with them. You don’t have to do this; you can do whatever you wish. And you fell into a common pitfall for new users: self-reference. Self-reference is not considered good on Uncyclopedia, because people who don’t know you or that you wrote it won’t find it funny. I would remove the link to your userpage. Michael’s denial of death: Again, meh. I feel you could have done this one better as well. You gave the SP scenario, which is all well and good, but you didn’t change to your humor style. I would mix it up here- find your style and satirize to your heart’s content.
Concept:	6	Your concept is alright. There is already a Michael Jackson article, so you lose slight originality points. Your execution was generally alright, but not great. The other sections have information on how you can improve it. This section is short for me because I give all of my execution advice elsewhere. I put my advice for concept in humor, but I do score them separately.
Prose and formatting:	3	Yes, I know you said you didn’t want spelling corrections, but your spelling actually hurt your article. There were quite a few spelling and grammar errors, I’m sorry to say. I’ll put the corrected paragraphs below. (Mistakes are in ALL CAPS, unless they’re punctuation problems. Some paragraphs are rephrased because I dislike their wording. Those are in ALL CAPS as well. If you want to copy them, make sure to fix he caps.) Lede: Michael Jefferson (August 29 1958 - June 25 2009) WAS born in Gary Indiana. HE is an American singer/song writer who is very well known world wide, HEE HEE! He has made several albums, including one just before his death. He was first in a band with his brothers called "The Jefferson 5"; BUT HE EVENTUALLY became a solo artist, Cha'mon! Michael Jefferson has won many awards in his life time. He has pretty much defined the music industry HEE HEE, OHHHH! Aside FROM all OF the good things you just read, he can be a little off at times. Some of his WEIRD TENDENCIES include yelling "HEE HEE" randomly while having a conversation. HE WILL ALSO sometimes yell "Cha'mon" which is a DELIBERATE MISPRONUNCIATION of the words "Come on". He also likes to climb trees and ride trains. Some may find this WEIRD for an adult, but all is well, ESPECIALLY if YOU’RE as RICH as Mr. Jefferson, Cha'mon! Michael Jefferson has also been the VICTIM of racist police officers. Although Michael Jefferson looks white, he is, in fact, black and RICH, and police officers hate RICH black men, HEE HEE, for some reason. There have been two incidents of Michael Jefferson being FRAMED for crimes he did not commit. As you read, I hope you get a good understanding of the man that is Michael Jefferson. You will learn about his life, music, career, and controversies. HEE HEE! Early life and the Jefferson 5: Michael Jefferson was born on August 29, 1958 in Gary, Indiana. HE IS THE son of Joe and Katherine Jefferson. Michael grew up in a MUSICALLY gifted family, with a ton of brothers and sisters. His brothers had a band called the Jeffersons/THE Jefferson 5. One day, the family discovered that Michael had talent as a singer. So, they made him the lead singer of the band, WHICH IS probably the only good DECISION that Joe HAS ever made. The band was very SUCCESSFUL and the boys worked very hard, due to the fact THAT they would have their asses BEATEN by Joe if they messed up. The Jefferson 5 was signed with Motown, where they would get MORE PAINFUL beatings for messing up, which WERE quite FREQUENT thanks to the oldest brother, Jermaine. The band went on for a long time, and Michael Jefferson was a part of it, even while he was a solo artist until AROUND 1985. As you may or may not know, Michael Jefferson had a very bad CHILDHOOD. He never got to play with the other kids, BECAUSE he was always working and ALWAYS GOT beaten. Many BELIEVE this is what AFFECTED his mental state in his later years. THEY ALSO BELIEVE THAT made him act so child-like and THAT WAS what gave him the desire to always want to be with children. Michael thinks IT’S ignorant how people don't research his childhood before they judge him, or even ask him about some of the odd things that he often denies. Solo career: That Disco Album: Disco and Funk Zombie Album: Pop, Rock, and R&B Good: Pop SAFETY: New Jack Swing, Rock Ballads, and Pop. The last one before things got WEIRD. Crappy Compilation Album with a few new songs: Same as above, but with some new songs, most of them expressing Michael Jefferson's anger. Blood on the Bathroom Floor: A Remix of the new songs from Crappy Compilation Album with a few new songs with a few new ones AS WELL.. Seeing a pattern? Some one is losing his edge.. God Complex: Techno Funk, Piano, Jazz, and Slow Rock. Untitled: INCOMPLETE, The Singles listed below are part of HIS soon-to-be album, along with some new and unreleased songs. At one point in history, Michael Jefferson was one of the most popular celebrities in the world. His world wide phenomenon phase began in 1982, with the release of his new album, "Zombie Album" and his new look. THIS fame LASTED UNTIL ABOUT 1985 or 1986. DURING the good years, he would often record songs with other ARTISTS, mainly ones from Motown. In many people's OPINION, his life went downhill when his hair caught ON fire DURING the filming of a Pepsi commercial. In the good years, it was not uncommon to see him on a daytime TV talk show, like Jesus and Pals. An aspect that made Michael Jefferson so popular was that he was very mysterious and wasn't WEIRD yet. Michael Jefferson is probably best known for his FAMOUS song and music video: "The Really Long Zombie One" which is a 15-minute long music video where Michael Jefferson portrays a zombie and dances around, while HARASSING some girl. Yes, it is pretty dang RIDICULOUS. Michael Jefferson is also known for his EXCELLENT stage performances and his perfectionism in his work, and is by far the greatest solo artist of his TIME, if not all time. His different albums ARE KNOWN FOR INCORPORATING different sounds and genres of music. WHO’S Good? Not Michael's tabloid press.... Around the TIME OF THE release of the album "Good" WAS when some people started to wonder "What the hell?" His skin was lighter, and he now had a butt chin, it was OBVIOUS that he HAD been having plastic surgery. No, wait, THAT’S ignorant, why would you say such a thing? The album "Good" was an overall success with music videos and all. SAFETY: IT WAS the end of an era, yes, it is true that this was HIS last work that would be released under good circumstances. The lead single "Am I Black or White" was very catchy yet infuriating to many, AS it seemed like he was mocking us with that sort of question, BECAUSE NONE of us could really answer it. This album's success lasted UNTIL 1993 when Michael Jefferson was accused of molesting children. New section I’m too lazy to write out: As we all know, this album is where Michael started LOSING his "edge", if you will. The album had two DISCS, one with old material that everyone HAD already heard, and one with new songs that expressed Michael's great rage. Blood on the bathroom floor: This album was probably, with no disrespect INTENDED, his worst album, AS it mainly consisted of D.J. remixes of the new songs from the album "Crappy Compilation Album With a Few New Songs" with a few new songs AS WELL, in which the title song WAS about O.J. Simpson. A music video was made for "Blood on the Bathroom Floor", but O.J. refused to participate because the lyrics were about how it was OBVIOUS that O.J. was guilty. The SONG’S lyrics implied that people should worry about O.J. and not himself. Many thought that Michael was using O.J. as a scapegoat, just like how Nazi Germany used the Jews as a scapegoat for THEIR problems. What a low blow! God Complex: The last complete album released in his lifetime. "God Complex" was the first full length album released since "Safety" and was SURPRISING to many. THEY EXPECTED IT TO BE his leverage into REVIVING his damaged career, but as USUAL, things went wrong. The record company, Sony, decided to not support Michael's album in HOPES that his career would fail, so they could make money off OF Michael's failure. FORTUNATELY for Michael, two music videos were made (HE only appears in one). Michael ALSO made a BENEFIT song to help raise money for the 9/11 victims, but Sony refused to release it due to THEIR bitterness towards Michael. Apparently, proving a point was more important than helping resolve a world issue. (Note: I removed this last sentence because I think it breaks the fourth wall too much. See my advice in humor about first-person stuff.) The Incomplete Album: Michael Jefferson was working on a new tour and album just before he died, AND the following singles were released before he died. 1. Have You Been Up My Wishing Tree? 2. Lets Ride the Train 3. Peter Pan 4. We All Have the Power to Change 5. Little Girl These songs were very SUCCESSFUL, ESPECIALLY after he died. His popularity skyrocketed after HIS death. With the singles released was one music video for the song "Lets Ride the Train" which CONSISTED of Michael and one of his younger friends riding a train. The Video was released early on account OF THE FACT that he died. Cha'Mon. Controversies: Michael Jefferson has been the center of many controversies, some redundant and irrelevant, and others being a tad more SIGNIFICANT , but not much more, Cha'mon! These controversies have damaged Michael's career a little, but they have also GIVEN him a lot of media attention. Child abuse: A major issue to many is the two CASES of child molestation. ALTHOUGH IT HAS been resolved that the police framed him because he was black, UNFORTUNATELY, many still doubt his INNOCENCE. (Note 2: Removed some stuff I thought was too random, first-person, and at least belonged in a different section.) Michael Jefferson's ethnicity is a question to many. He is "legally" an AFRICAN AMERICAN, but he appears to BE a white man. There are several theories behind WHY this IS. ONE THEORY STATES THAT he was black and suffered from a DISEASE known as VITILIGO. ANOTHER THEORY IS that he bleached his skin. THE THIRD THEORY IS THAT IT could have been a birth defect. Even though it is well known that Michael Jefferson was once black, many conspiracy THEORISTS believe that Michael Jefferson was captured by aliens in 1985 and replaced by one of their own so they could influence the population. The “Blanket” issue: Sometime when he was living in South Park, Michael DANGLED Blanket over a balcony. Michael claims that YOU’RE ignorant for saying that it was a bad thing to do, and he defends himself BY saying he was just trying to show Blanket off. Death: Sadly, Michael Jefferson passed AWAY in the summer of 2009. Many will miss him and his music will live forever. Although, there were some issues and WEIRDNESS, Michael will be remembered for his music career and his charity work. It is widely ASSUMED that he was killed by an assassin hired by the Illuminati. Fan’s denial of death: When Michael died, many fans did not BELIEVE it, and THEY thought it was just tabloid bull shit BECAUSE he was sent to the hospital. It was a great few hours of ANXIETY for die hard fans. Even today some do not believe he is dead, which he most certainly is, but those people are just nutty conspiracy THEORISTS who have no lives. ’’’Michael’s denial of death:’’’ As odd as it may sound, Michael was in denial about his death for quite some time. HE haunted a little boy NAMED Ike and POSSESSED his body, so he could dress as a girl and win a beauty PAGEANT. After Michael WON, he went back to the after life. Formatting: GAH REDLINKS. Red links happen when you link to a non-existent article. They are very, very ugly. Just get rid of linking to get rid of them. To prevent them from happening, press the Preview button before saving a link. That way, you can tell what links work and which ones don’t. Also, although this is just my opinion, I feel that there are too many subsections. If you have a subsection of just two or three words, do you think you should put them in another section? Also, the overuse of templates (like “whoops”, the UFBI one, etc) is a bit obstructive. Other than that, your formatting was generally pretty good. Yay.
Images:	6	What does a six in images mean in one of my reviews? Well, it means that your images weren’t bad, but they don’t really do great. All of your images are directly from South Park. That’s alright. However, to make these images really shine, you need to have good captions. Your captions are good in some places, but pretty average overall. The first and second ones? Wouldn’t change them, except for one thing: in the second image, it says that it’s a clip, but that’s a picture. I am nitpicky, yes. Both of them work well, though. The third image (The “Let’s (grammar fixed) ride the train” one) isn’t as fun. Some punchline would really help in here. I kinda like the fourth one. It has a couple grammar issues, though. Here it is, written correctly: “Michael Jefferson, back in the day, on the TV talk show Jesus and Pals.” The last one is a bit average, but I suppose this is just a “remembrance” image, so that’s OK.
Miscellaneous:	4.5	Not an average, just my feel on how good this currently is.
Final Score:	23.5	So, to conclude: this article is great for that of a new user, but it isn’t as good as it could be right now. The three biggest things you need to improve: Grammar. The grammar hurt the article and made it harder to read. Red links: These are majorly annoying. Get rid of the first person type and self-referential humor. After you do these things, the article will be much better. Good luck with your changes, and have fun! (PS: Review some UN:BEST articles and re-read HTBFANJS to help. PPS: Contact me on my talk page if you have any questions.)
Reviewer:	--Sir ~HELPME~ Count! Awards! Pee! Help! 00:56, May 5, 2010 (UTC)