| Humour:
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6.00
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You know the drill if you've seen any of my reviews before—section by section. 10 possible points / 6 sections = one and two-thirds possible points per section. Let's go!
- Intro: What's with the idiosyncratic spelling of Kenobi's name? I don't get it. Other than that, you set up the running gags of water and fish, so let's see how those go. (Also, aren't the Kaminoans alien beings—not just alien-like—if you're from a non-Kamino planet? Just thinking.)
Infobox got a slight chuckle, particularly at population and imports. So four-thirds of a point.
- Chronology: I rather like this section. The increased efficiency, the computer problems, the continued running gag of fish—I'd almost say I'm fond of it, except I rid myself of emotions a while ago. One point.
- ComStruct: Wait, that's it? Two sentences for planetary structure? I mean, I get that you're trying to reinforce the gag here, but there surely could be a little more than this—planetary core (hm, maybe it's water too! but that runs the risk of being slightly predictable, so maybe an unexpected twist would be better), crust, maybe planetary orbit and rotation (no idea if that falls under this section, but what about its sun or moon(s)? Are they watery as well, or do they somehow counterbalance? Could get quite a bit of mileage out of that, and I have no doubt that Expanded Universe people have also come up with some insane stuff about this place).
- Weather: I think the chief issue with this section is comedic wording/timing. You have some very interesting ideas here, but the way you have them worded just fails to deliver as much as it could. I suspect it's because the writing as it is is a bit choppy and doesn't have that natural flow you need for maximum hilarity. I would advise trying out a few different ways to write this section until you feel it's right.
Section 2 overall gets four-thirds of a point.
- Habitability: Again, the fish gag. Still bearable at this point, but you could fill it with a bit more pseudo-scientific jargon and some creative ideas to go with it. For instance: you know how when we're trying to see if life could have existed on other planets, we always wonder whether there's water on the Moon or water on Mars? Yeah.
- NatUse: Kaminoans obtaining stuff from the Earth's crust? Huh. I find the mock-scientific chart and seaweed farm moderately funny, but otherwise it was a bit bleh. What about minerals (ice?) or coral reefs or—well, I think I just ran out of the possible natural resources for a sea world (heh), so I'll stop there. But needs just a bit more development.
- NaHazards: OK, the stingray bit was kind of funny. But you could get so much more kilometrage out of it! What about fuel efficiency (or the stingray equivalent thereof)—marine and extra-marine km/L? (Or mpg if you're US folk.) Have there been any stingray traffic accidents? What was the result of that? Also, this whole section doesn't seem like it fits under habitability, since you've already talked about giant tsunamis in climate, and the rest falls more under the bit about the Empire and its culture.
Overall Section 3 gets four-thirds of a point.
- Fauna: Yes, you've said it enough, and furthermore I think you stopped with the fish gag at the exact point where I was getting a bit tired with it.
- Kaminoans: I don't find this section overall particularly inventive, new, or funny. Prequels bashing, while fully and whole-heartedly justified, is a bit predictable, and the rest I just don't get at all. Overall Section 4 gets a third of a point. I'd suggest doing away entirely with the Kaminoans sub-section and moving the Fauna one-liner to a Fauna sub-section under habitability. But then again, just a suggestion.
- Kamino Empire: I quite like how you start with the grand heading of Kamino Empire and completely destroy our expectations by emphasising how flimsy and small it is.
- History: Wha—cloning—what's—exports—genocide—OK, slow down! For a 7000-year history, you move through this remarkably—and, in my opinion, way too—quickly. You should probably allow each of your points to develop into a paragraph to get the maximum comedic impact possible from this section. Also, I see a plot hole—Kaminoans are part-fish, so maybe they'd be able to breathe underwater and wield their metal weights (somehow) as weaponry? Ooh, civil war. Just a thought.
- GeoCulture: Your stingray bit could fit in admirably in here. Yeah, yeah, Canadian (self?-)depreciation, scuba diving. I somehow find the lack of toilets funny/ironic, since it would seem that the one place you'd expect decent plumbing is the planet full of water everywhere. Also, you say "no religion", but judging by the lack of anything about water, you'd think there'd be legends about land or fire or electricity. Just throwing some ideas out there.
- GovMil: What need do you have to mention the PM of Australia, may I ask? Yes, Prime Ministers, I get it, but you could have stopped at the "copyright infringement against Earth" bit and it'd have been just as funny—probably funnier because you don't run too long with it. This section overall needs a lot more ideas—are they capitalist? communist? socialist? How many parties (pro-water and anti-water?)? Constitutional monarchy or democratic republic? Maybe they don't need an army but still have one because it keeps unemployment down at least?
So overall this section gets two-thirds of a point.
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| Concept:
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6.72
|
I think we all know of Lucas's monomania with one-terrain planets/moons—the forest moon of Endor, the sea planet of Kamino, the desert planet of Tatooine, the Death Star (wait, that doesn't count) etc. etc. So I think you picked a prime target here with Kamino, and the way you satirise the monotone quality of the planet is adequately done.
The one thing I would advise is not to fall too deep into pop culture. OK, so it's a Star Wars planet, so you probably should rely on that to some extent, but references to Julia Gillard and the Clone Wars movie coming out of nowhere is a bit jarring. Just keep that in mind, since it does distract from the central idea when it happens.
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| Prose and formatting:
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5.44
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Your prose is adequate, and you make good use of the formatting options given to you; however, there are numerous grammatical/mechanical/orthographical/whatevercal errors that could be fixed with a bit of proofreading. Either paste everything into MS Word and see what happens, or use the Proof Signal to contact the Proofreading Service—they can make things right for you as well. Oh, and lest I forget, categories! Add something like [[Category:Star Wars]] (no, not with the nowiki tags—that makes it null and void—so that it gets categorised.
Also, the pink on that infobox is a bit jarring. It could be a bit wider, and could also use a lighter shade (beige?).
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| Images:
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5.92
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You're going to have to trust me when I say that the images don't show up for me in-article, and I had to go to the file page to see them, which might have destroyed some of the comedic timing. You have the number of images just about right, but the Clone Wars poster just feels way out of place, and the other two (discounting the one in the infobox) just jar in comparison to the main text, and feel a bit out of place. In fact, they are out of place! Switching the two around would work a lot better, as a matter of fact. The cloning facility picture still is a bit weird because you don't really go into a lot of detail into the Clone Army and what a strange idea that is.
Also, we need an image of a stingray service station or something. Just a suggestion.
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| Miscellaneous:
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5.34
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Yes, the average would be 6.02 points, but I've lowered it a bit since there's so much more that could be done with it. Don't think too harshly about the scores—I always (OK, not always, but as of late it's become more frequent) judge articles more harshly than they probably should be, and you should concentrate a great deal more on the advice/constructive criticism/etc.
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| Final Score:
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29.42
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But to answer your query, as for whether it should go into mainspace—it's certainly a lot better than half of the stuff out there. On the other hand, if you don't feel comfortable mainspacing it as is, you should wait until it gets improved and a bit more polished.
Either way, work on it a good deal more, and it should be, er, stellar. Good luck!
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| Reviewer:
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               Sir MacMania GUN—[16:18 4 Aug 2010]
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06:15, July 30, 2010 (UTC)
Sir MacMania GUN—[16:18 4 Aug 2010]