UnNews:Witches okay for national cemetery memorials; holy cows may be next

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24 April 2007

The new "symbol of belief" for the nation's national cemeteries: giving Satan his due

WASHINGTON, DC -- In an effort to appease Satan and get the war in Iraq back on track, President George W. Bush has ordered the Veterans Administration (VA) to authorize the inclusion of the Wicca pentagram among its other official “symbols of belief,” granting witches and other pagans the right to feature “the symbol of their faith” on headstones next to Jewish, Christian, Islamic, and other major religions, a decision that doesn’t set well with some veterans and active servicemen.

Eleven families nationwide have ordered headstones which bear the five-sided star of the Wicca “faith,” thus, according to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, ensuring eternal damnation for their loved ones.

According to Wicca “priestesses,” the star’s five points represent earth, air, water, fire, and spirit, but the Rev. Pat Robertson, founder of the 700 Club and a sometime prophet, contends that the points of the star represent the tips of a goat’s ears and the whiskers of its beard. The goat’s head, Robertson told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies, is a symbol not of Wiccan beliefs but of Satan himself, and it is “blasphemous” to allow this symbol among the crosses and other monuments and memorials of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. “In addition,” he said, “allowing the Islamic symbol may also be blasphemous. God hasn’t decided about that one yet.”

Since the authorization to include the Wiccan pentagram as an official symbol of belief, both the White House and the VA's national headquarters building have experienced strange supernatural incidents. For example, several of the toilets in the Executive Mansion have overflowed, causing urine and feces to appear on ceilings and walls, and the VA building has been covered in a thick, white, viscid fluid that "could be Satan's semen, but isn't," according to scientists receiving sizeable federal grants for unrelated government-sponsored projects. The war in Iraq is said to be "going better," too, according to the president.

The proposed NAMBLA phallus memorial

National cemeteries also report unusual "activity," especially after midnight. Honor guards say that "spirits are restless" and demonic faces appear on the headstones of some graves.

In Arlington National Cemetery, the eternal flame at the gravesite of President John F. Kennedy sometimes "wavers," and, according to Republicans, a "stench like sulphur, or brimstone, is often perceptible when Democrats pay their respects to the former president's tomb."

Other “symbols of belief” that the VA allows on its national cemetery headstones include those for Buddhism, Hinduism, Transsexuality, and Buggery. The National Association for Man-Boy Love (NAMBLA) has also petitioned the VA to allow the inclusion of a winged phallus as a “symbol of belief” for veteran pederasts. Reportedly, President Bush is “leaning toward acceptance” of the petition. “We are a land of diversity,” he said, “and I want to be the president of all special interest groups.”