UnNews:William the Conqueror children's book author sells film rights

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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

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Author Ian McNigel hasn't let his belated success go to his head.

HOLLYWOOD -- The author of a 1991 children's book about William the Conqueror that sat on the shelf of a British bookstore for 27 years before finally being bought, and thus going viral, has secured a lucrative movie deal for the belated bestseller.

Disney has paid British author Ian McNigel $10.66 million for the rights to the elementary-school biography of the first Norman King of England, with the stipulation that Michael Caine play the monarch. John Cleese has expressed interest in playing Edward the Confessor. Aaron Sorkin will write the screenplay, and Disney is courting such directors as Steven Spielberg, JJ Abrams, James Cameron, John Carpenter, Peter Jackson, and even Quentin Tarantino and Dario Argento.

"Fuck Star Wars," says Disney president Bob Iger, "This is our prestige picture AND will make us a shitload of money in 2020. More than enough money to stop Trump from getting re-elected. Oh, and don't forget that Mickey turns 90 this year. Happy birthday, Mickey. And no, we're not gonna rehire James Gunn. And there are currently no plans to release Star Wars unaltered, even though the 20th Century Fox deal allows us to do so. Any other questions?"

"I'm just glad I finally have some bloody money," says McNigel. "After 27 years, I now know that not everybody is a philistine who wouldn't know Macbeth from McDonald's."

It is unknown whether the film will be live action or animated. But one thing's for sure, it will be incredibly historically inaccurate and almost 30 years out of date.

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