UnNews:White dolphin declared extinct, tasted great

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 December 2006

Pwned.

BEIJING, China -- A rare, nearly blind white dolphin is basically extinct after spending millions of years swimming into things. The dolphin's extinction marks the loss of a notable delicacy, as well as evidence that dolphins aren't as bright as we have been led to believe.

"It really came as a surprise to no one. said Arnold Pfister, a Swiss naturalist who reportedly had the last one grilled on ciabatta. "The damn thing was like Ray Charles scuba diving in a coral reef. How did you think it would turn out?"

The baiji dolphin has long been regarded as the Mr. Magoo of the aquatic world. The species is known to have existed for 20 million years, and it spent every one of those years running into shit. Rocks, riverbanks, sunken logs, crocodiles... you name it. Confused dolphins routinely became lost in shallow waters or swam off the edge of waterfalls, much to the dismay of the children bathing below.

Wang Ching related his close encounter with a dolphin. "One minute you are swimming and playing, the next some dolphin takes a wrong turn and flies off a cliff. I turned to my friend, Lo Ping, and shouted, "Look out, a dolphin!"

"Lo Ping's last words were, "I'm gonna need Trojans again!"

"I'll never know what he meant by that..."

The white dolphin was also the subject of numerous scientific studies concerning dolphin speech. In 1998, scientists successfully decoded their language and created the first dictionary of dolphin vocabulary. They discovered that most baiji sounds are actually lost dolphins calling, "Marco? Marco?"

Maybe if someone had actually said, "Polo," they wouldn't have gone extinct.

Retards.

But for all their hilarious missteps and tragic collisions, the dolphins will surely be missed by the Yangtze natives.

"It crushed my friend," Wang Ching explained, "But at least they both tasted good."