UnNews:Terror zoo Guaobamamo

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 August 2010

Havana: Barack Obama was happy after his secret negotiations with Fidel Castro. The Comandante could please the lazy Nobel Peace Prize winner by fullfilling Obama's very special wish to let Guantanamo disappear from Earth. Operating a human-rights-free zone on the Cuban shore is a great shame for both leaders. This will vanish forever. The plan is to transform the terrorists' compound with all its occupants to what it almost is today: The camp will become a zoo. It's just the visitors what's still missing. But therefore high-speed yachts will bring tourists from Florida. In the hurricane season the shipping companies will demand an adventure surcharge on the ticket price.

Obama wanted to thank the Comandante by offering oil supply directly thru the Gulf of Mexico, but the wise old leader said "no thanks". Fidel demanded only that the place will have to be renamed. Obama intuitively suggested "Guaobamamo" and Castro agreed.

But there's still a problem to find an investor. There were serious candidates, but all wanted to have a suicide bombing show in the zoo. And therefore they would need the delivery of new terrorists every week. That's not possible since the Army's terrorist hunt became a task for unmanned aerial vehicles which don't catch the men alive.

Recently a military tribunal in Guantanamo sentenced Osama Bin Laden's cook Mohammed Ibrahim al-Qosi to 14 years in jail. Thus the feeding of the new zoo's inmates will be no problem. Obviously the camp lost its function as attractant trap to catch the top terrorist. The CIA had spread the news, that al-Qosi cooks in Guantanamo, and even Osama's favourite meals. But the trap didn't work: Osama never appeared. Either he risked upset stomach by not returning to his trusted cook, or he isn't alive any more. Since the trap's failure shall not end as Obama's failure, the deal with Castro enables the President to deliver on his (negative) promise to close Guantanamo, and even turns it into a positive promise: We'll open Guaobamamo - Yes, we can!

Sources

• NYT "Guantánamo Bay Naval Base (Cuba)" NYT, June 28, 2010
• FR "Osama's cook sentenced to 14 years" FR, Aug. 12, 2010