UnNews:Syria Says US Plans for Middle East an illusion....Bcause we won

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 August 2006

Hello, my name is Bashar al-Assad and I won.

DAMASCUS, Syria -- Following the cease fire agreement in Lebanon, the, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said that Hezbollah’s "victory" in the recent war was all in their imagination. “What is this crazy Lewis Carroll shit that Hezbollah has been saying? In every altercation with Hezbollah Syrian soldiers had the upper hand. Hezbollah and Russian leaders went into hiding and are lying. We will continue to hunt them down anytime, anywhere". He aslso claimed that Syrian “victory” agaist Russia, Israel and Hezbollah had destroyed both the US. and it’s plans to reshape the Middle East.

German Foreign Minister Otto von Bismark described Assad's speech as a “Crazy towel head gibberish.” And cancelled a trip to Syria because of claims that it won.

“Rommel assures me we won.” Bismarck stated.

Assad also aimed sharp criticism at Israel and said peace in the Middle East would remain elusive forever “as long as we keep winning.”

"Their 'New Middle East', based on subjugation and , napalm, has turned into an illusion," Assad said in reference to Washington's goal of helping to shape what it calls a new, democratic Middle East, witch will have a big shiny oil pipe, and lots of napalmed ruins full of dead people.

"It is evident that after six years of this (U.S.) administration that there is no peace and there will be none in the foreseeable future, we’ll make sure of that.” he told journalists, as he lit a stick of dynamite. “I’m going to blow off Sharon’s face.”

Assad, 40, who is shaped by his late father's mind control techniques and frequent beatings , said the Jewish state must return Arab land it has “borrowed” since 1967, or face more insecurity.

The Israeli Defence Minister said a resumption of talks with Syria was still possible. "Every war creates an opportunity for a new political process, like fascism, and I am sure that our whimpering piss stained ,enemies understand today they cannot defeat us by force," he said.

Negotiations between Syria and Israel over the Golan, a 1750 sq-km (676 square mile) mountainous plateau overlooking Damascus, broke down in 2000. "Israel has been trying for decades to gain acceptance in the region. What Israel should know is that every generation has more hatred towards those bastards it than generation before, and the generation before that and the generation before that.”

Assad said. "Hatred is a good word. We hate, and we encourage hatred. But Israel did not leave enough room in our region for hatred. Because of this we hate them."

"Israel was defeated in its war on Lebanon. Lebanon was defeated in it’s war with Syria. It was defeated on day one of its aggression," he said.