UnNews:Space Pimps Pose Problems for International Space Station

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 May 2006

Would you buy a used whore from this man?

UNP – NASA, the United States agency charged with overseeing the nation’s space exploration, has had it up to here with the growing Space Pimp problem currently plaguing the International Space Station Program.

Bowing to political pressure from the Religious Right, President George W. Bush has authorized the use of force to end the “heavenly moments” promised by the Pimps who were placed in orbit by the Chinese space agency.

“This nation will not stand for any recreation, or promises of a fun filled space flight,” the President announced from the Rose Garden on Friday.

According to an unnamed government source (who spells his name S-c-o-o-t-e-r L-i-b-b-e-y), the manned space station has become a haven for what would normally pass as prostitution on the streets of New York City. Its practitioners however claim an out-of-this-world experience is available to any man aboard the space station for a mere $100 dollars (US).

Space pimps first began to be a problem following the Columbia space shuttle disaster, when regular manned space shuttle service was suspended. Enterprising pimps viewed the astronauts, who were forced to prolong their stay until other arrangements could be made, as a captive audience, and space as one place where there were no limitations on street corners.

“They’re knocking on the windas; they’re blowin’ us kisses,” stated Scottish astronaut Ian McTavish. “One of them is even takin’ to wearing me clan’s colors and promises me ample haggis before sex.”

According to Biggie Smalls, CEO of Biggie Nights Escort Services, the business of providing companionship to lonely residents of the space station has been misconstrued.

“These ladies ain’t no commonplace '‘Ho’'s. They are skilled in the art of conversation in addition to their nude conversation and modeling talents. What goes on between them and the gentlemen on the space station is between consenting adults.”

"These so-called "space pimps" are infesting our orbiting modules, injecting venereal disease, commie immorality, and after-sex smoke into our clean, recycled, American air", said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee) to a crowd of rabid badgers. "Now I know, y'all Democrats are thinking of that wingnut general in Dr. Strangelove, yammering on about "rain water, grain alcohol, and bodily fluids, but I swear, it's true!"

The Chinese Minister of Space Stuff, Jackie "Crankypants" Chang, said the following in a press release. "When Nixon was here [China], he told us of the terrible problem with "hippies" and the getting "spaced out", and the "Free Love, Not War" protests at the NASA. We thought to be friendly in a "Sun Tzu: The Art Of War" kind of way, that's all. You don't like it? Take you "Biggie Big Smalls" back to your ghettos, Yankee devil white running dog pigs!"

Sources

• Smedly Butler, Brass Balls General, US Marines (Ret.) "The smoker you drink, the player you get" Arkham House, July 18, 1996