UnNews:San Franciso bans gay marriage, evacuated
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 December 2006
SAN FRAN, Caliwhornia - The former city of San Francisco, California officially banned gay marriage after openly-gay Assemblyman Mark Leno (D-San Francisco) reintroduced a bill to legalize gay marriage. The state of California rejected his proposal, with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger making a brief press conference, stating, "No." But that's not the good news.
The good news is that the city of San Francisco is officially empty of all the gays. However, there's bad news. On the same token, the city is completely empty. The Governor went on to declare a state of emergency for the entire state of California on the grounds that the rest of the state is witnessing a major influx of gayness, which could cause economic devastation, forest fires, and more-than-likely, the apocalypse.
"That's about 798,680 gay people we're talking about. I felt comfortable having a purple county. Ya' know, I could say, 'Yeah, we have gays. But they're all in San Francisco County.' Now I have to lower my head in shame," stated The Governator, "...does anybody know what the law says about genocide?"
As a result, the city of San Francisco is the world's largest ghost town and now a major tourist attraction. On the other hand, gay bars and nightclubs have began popping up all over the place in neighboring counties. City Mayor Gavin Newsom has also disappeared without a trace, but is suspected to be frequenting The Fellowship, a downtown Los Angeles gay bar.
This chain of events seems queer, considering that gay marriage is still illegal within the state itself, yet so many of the citizens (all) still wish to remain within the state and have decided to just leave San Francisco. Some have speculated that this may be a tactic by the gay and lesbian community to pressure the state into legalizing gay marriage on the promise that if the state does so, all of the little fairies will subsequently go back to San Francisco. As of today, no such demands have been made, but the gay and lesbian community indeed has California by the shaft.
On a related note, the San Diego Zoo, which had three gays in captivity, reported queer behavior from all three of them. Apparently the three have gone awry from their daily activities and began acting more savage than usual. They were euthanized.
To appease the gays, California radio stations have been urged to play music from Elton John and Gloria Gaynor nonstop, and local television stations were forced to air programs that appealed to the "gay community", with shows such as "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", "Queer As Folk", "Missionary Impossible", "The Gay Outdoors", "Walker Texas Rump Ranger", "The Dicks Of Hazard" and "Gilligan's Asshole".
Authorities have claimed that it may be up to 69 weeks before results can be seen from these tactics. Heywood Jablowmi, California representative for the CDC says that, "Things are grim at best...the outbreak of 'homosexuality', or in scientific terms, 'gayness', is a serious threat," and, "run for your lives." The California National Guard has also been called in on the situation.
Finally, President George W. Bush made the following statement on these events:
| “ | For years, people have debated the topic of gay marriage. This chain of events is evident that gay marriage should remain illegal. We do not negotiate with gay people. | ” |
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Liz Beyen "All marriage is bad, especially gay marriage." Gay Area Reporter, December 28th, 2006