UnNews:Rogaine; the latest party drug

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

4 May 2009

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This spokesperson for Rogaine was silent today. His icy, glaring eyes seem to invite onlookers to engage him in fisticuffs.

CHELMSFORD, Massachusetts -- In the 1970s this town would be described as a "bedroom community"; sleepy, white and relatively prosperous. Today it's known as the birthplace of a new trend among our youngsters called "going rogue". In a misguided attempt to hurry the onset of puberty, young boys and girls have been applying Rogaine, a baldness cure, to their pubic areas.

"This is a big myth, that it grows hair down there. I don't know how they get started, but they do," said Recon Cartouche, a long time resident of the affluent Park Hills neighborhood.

Medical facilities in the area have been alerted to a potential flood of cases, focusing on Emergency Medical Technicians, Paramedics, and Firefighters. "In the event that 911 services receives a "rogueing" call, front-line personel will be prepared to handle the situation," said Magnolia Pillory of the Merrimac Valley Red Cross.

Dr. Bruno Hellbent-Ganglia of Lowell General Hospital told UnNews on the phone today that, "There's nothing to get panicked about, like the swine flu. In fact, the effects are mostly psychological. Still, we have to take each case seriously, as we would any medical emergency."

Of greater concern is the phenomenon of "rogaine parties", gatherings of children from 8 to 11 years of age getting naked and rubbing hair growth tonic on each others genitals. "It's not actually sex, but it's still dirty," said Catholic Archbishop Splemente Regalia of the Archdiocese of Merrimac Valley. "Of course it's forbidden by the Catholic Church. If they're going to do that sort of thing, they should at least have a priest do it, so as to consecrate the act."

Jenny Vulnavia aged 9 said, "I like to use the foam, 'cause it makes my ginny all tingly. I let my boyfriend and his friends put it on me, but not on my chest."

The drug comes in many forms, and has been applied and ingested in a number of imaginative ways. Some have put drops into their eyes, others have freebased it. "These are the odd cases we're seeing in the Emergency Rooms, " said registered nurse Bonnie Syncophant of Saints Memorial Hospital and Ye Olde Yankee Butcher Shoppe. "Otherwise it's been rashes only, and not many either."

The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia are expected to make a statement later today, hoping to head this epidemic off before it becomes national.

Sources

• Paramount Secretion "Pubes become increasingly popular" Lowell Sun, May 4, 2009