UnNews:Princess Anne to unveil gigantic nude statue that is "better than Braille"
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 September 2012
LONDON, Great Britain – Wearing denim overalls, elbow-length latex rubber gloves and galoshes, Princess Anne rehearsed the unveiling of a gigantic sculpture of a nude goddess.
The actual unveiling will occur tomorrow, before the crowned heads of Europe (and maybe the uncrowned head of President Barack Obama).
Sculpted from recycled human feces and coal, the figure, which has been christened with the unlikely name of Northumberlandia, is intended to represent the spirit of Northumbria's coal miners, who "have a propensity to penetrate Mother Earth," Princess Anne says, adding "many have given their lives to obtain more and more coal to feed the nation's ongoing and inordinate appetite for the 'black gold' that the ore represents."
The princess is wearing her ungainly "costume," she told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, because "coal is messy stuff." The fecal content of the statue is also a "consideration," the royal family's spokesperson admitted.
The statue is expected to create jobs, although exactly how it will do so remains unclear.
Meanwhile, locals are not necessarily supportive of the gigantic nude. "We don't need our children's eyes feasting on a giant woman's tits and twat," says Margo Thomas. "The whole damned thing is ridiculous!"
Visitors will be able to "scale the statue's curves," Princess Anne says, "the way that Mark Philips climbs mine."
The statue has also been criticized because the amateur artist who created it is an American – sculptor Charles Jencks, whose main vocation is obstetrics and gynecology.
"The statue cost us three million pounds [$4.7 million], and the money goes to a damned Yankee, not to a Brit or even an Irishman. It's outrageous!" says Shawn O'Flannery.
The nude statue is "discretely located," Princess Anne said. "Pilots landing in Newcastle will have the best view of Northumberlandia's assets, such as they are," although blind citizens will be able to get a sense of her curves by feeling the raised contour lines on a map. "They're better than Braille," the princess claims, "and they indicate the size, in meters, of the goddess' goodies."
