UnNews:Polar bear hunter breaks world record!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 October 2006

Stupid purple polar bears are not worth killing.

MOOSE LUNG, Canada -- Twenty nine hours, fourteen minutes and forty eight seconds. Bobo "The Clown" McBennevis ran into 'HUNTING! Ltd.'s HQ base in Lancashire earlier today after breaking the world record for polar bear hunting. Previously held by Reginald Mordling, this award is presented after the paricipant has slain four polar bears in the Arctic circle and then returned back to the HQ in Lancashire.

Presenter Richard Nias, went to investigate what the new hunting craze was all about:

“ Well first the helicopter drops you off just inside Canadian territory they hand you a kitchen knife and leave you. I'm told that after hunting and killing the bears the most popular thing to do is hollow out their bodies with spoon and use the carcass as a raft to sail back to England. Unfortunately i am a feeble wreck and although it looks like great fun I have been told that I am no match for even a polar bear cub. So I'll ummm go home now... ”

Raving loony red polar bears are hardest to kill, easiest to piss off.

McBennevis has been given four pounds fifty and his name will be written down in the 'HUNTING! Ltd.'s hall of fame in Nicaragua. A new hopeful from Sutton in England has started training up, Nick Williams has already made the spectacled and grizzly bear extinct, he says that he hopes to do the same with polars. We sent Richard Nias off to his training camp in Uzbekistan for an exclusive interview last week. Ironically, he was decapitated by a feral polar bear at a rest stop while en route. Doctors at St. Evelyn's tell us Richard should be able to tell us the whole exiting story once his head has been stitched back onto his torso.

On a brighter note, its not raining outside anymore.

Sources

• June Lockhart "The unbearable lightness of killing" Ugh, October 16, 2006