UnNews:Platypus - a stupid hoax

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11 April 2010

Paavo Väyrynen:"I never intended to say that all Australians fuck only kangaroos."
The koala is a common Australian animal. It is the only mammal with a vagina on its chest.

After the recent leaking of instructions for creating a duck-billed platypus to Uncyclopedia by the Australian government, all hell has broken loose. Most of the western governments have snorted a pea up their noses because Australians have taken the rest of us for gullible morons for such a long time - and apparently they have been right about it as well.

Brussels is rampant! The Australian government has fooled Europeans for nearly two hundred years with the myth of the platypus, a mammal with a duck bill. There has never been such a creature; every single one of them has been made by the Australians - with government backing - by gluing duck bills onto otters.

The Prime Minister of Germany, Angela Merkel, says that she is very disappointed with the Australians' lack of integrity. "They are offspring of convicts, and that shows. This monkey business with the platypus shows their true colours; they can be certain Europe will not take them back after they have spoiled their miserable continent!" Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France warns: "Australians should remember that they have played nuclear states - like France - for fools. This is not a threat, just a hint." Silvio Berlusconi of Italy poses the ultimate question: "Australians? Who had the bright idea of selling industrial glue to those niggers?"

Another head of a nuclear power, the Prime Minister of Russia, Vladimir Putin states: "We have never believed in the platypus. Our scientists have all the time been aware that the animal is just a maskirovka - a deception."

Barack Obama has sent Hillary Clinton to Canberra to solve the diplomatic conflict, on the condition that the Australians send her back too. Otherwise Washington has not commented the Platypus Hoax - but Sarah Palin, the leading Republican thinker, says that the incident is "a blasphemous act invented by liberal Darwinist eco-terrorists." She continues: "Now we have the smoking gun, because the poisonous platypus is a weapon of mass destruction. We are only waiting for the Australians to find some oil."

The Queen of England, Elisabeth II, has taken a more moderate tone. "While one does not think the Australians had any bad intentions with this little jest, one will nevertheless be ordering one's chamberlain to keep a watchful eye upon the situation."

However, the most vociferous critic of the Australian government has been the well-known Finnish Minister, Paavo Väyrynen. "This is just the kind of thing you can expect from jerks who fuck kangaroos," Väyrynen sums up his view. Later, at being cornered about the statement, Minister Väyrynen explained: "I never said that all Australians fuck only kangaroos - but I'm from Lappland, and when I'm back home, I see people fucking reindeer all the time. The only difference between a kangaroo and a reindeer is the length of tail. Who do the Australians think they are, anyway? What makes them think they would be better than us in this respect? This is a typical witch hunt, let me tell you. The way they have cheated us is a sign of unreliability, and if we fuck reindeer it is none of their business."

It is interesting to note that the former Prime Minister of United Kingdom, Winston Churchill, never was fully convinced that the platypus actually existed and so, during the Second World War, he made arrangements for one to be imported into the UK. A platypus was procured in Australia and brought all the way to Britain onboard a ship. However, the ship was then sunk by a German bomber as it entered Liverpool Harbour, and the poor platypus was never seen again, presumably dying either immediately or shortly thereafter in the cold and saline waters of the Irish Sea. Experts agree that Churchill would immediately have recognised the creature as a customised otter.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.