UnNews:Peanut the Squirrel swatted, killed for "illegal guns and drugs"
Sunday, November 3, 2024
CHEMUNG COUNTY, NEW YORK-- Rising TikTok star Peanut the Squirrel was raided by a SWAT Team from the New York State police acting on orders of governor Kathy Hochul and the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation. The critter was allegedly under investigation for "illegal guns and drugs". During the raid at Peanut's home, he and an accomplice, Fred the Raccoon, succumbed to police gunfire while "resisting arrest". Peanut's best friend, Mark Longo, in addition to Longo's wife Daniela, were visiting at the time. They too were beaten senselessly by the SWAT Team and detained overnight.
The DEC executive had this to say: "Well, Peanut and Fred were not even supposed to be in that home in the first place. We currently try to allow housing for migrants from Haiti and Venezuela, and unfortunately, despite being born in New York State, squirrels and racoons do not count as legal residents of the state and are therefore lower on the pecking order for housing after those migrants.
"Peanut and Fred were also operating an illegal narcotics operation from that house, selling dope and owning several AR-15 rifles, according to a cooperative member of the neighborhood watch group. Therefore we believe that 'P'Nut's Freedom House' was actually a front for that narcotics operation. Oh, and Peanut was a Trump supporter, can't have that garbage in New York!"
While the operation was deemed a "successful operation" by Hochul and "exemplary of a successful effort" to curtail illegal guns in the State of New York, it has not been without criticism. Sandy Cheeks, a prominent Texas resident currently working in Bikini Bottom as a scientist, voiced her concerns. "I'm conflicted, because as much as I support law enforcement, this was too much force," remarked Cheeks. "And just for owning guns? That's mighty dumb. Gun rights matter! And most importantly, squirrel lives matter!"
After Longo and Daniela were released from custody, he gave his account of what happened. He stated that the SWAT Team not only shot Peanut and Fred to death, but that before that, they "came through the windows and woke everybody up at 3 AM! They screamed 'DEC OPEN UP!!' I mean, who the hell are the DEC anyways? Then they ran through all the walls, located Peanut and his racoon buddy Fred, and used WWE moves on them, slamming them through a folding table Bills Mafia-style before bitch-slapping Peanut and Fred and choking them with a full-Nelson. I swear, they slapped Peanut so hard he flew across the entire house! When Peanut complained he couldn't breathe and clawed at the cop, he and Fred were tossed on the ground and pumped full of lead. Like, are you fucking serious?!" Longo has considered either legal action against the State of New York for wrongful death or taking matters into his own hands.
New York State told us that AR-15 guns were indeed found in the compound, but as we tried to look closer to verify the claims and ask if drugs were even found there, we were told not to go any further and to blindly believe everything they told us. UnNews will have no further comment at this time due to a gag order from the state.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Peanut the squirrel, Instagram star, euthanized by New York state authorities" CBS News New York, November 2, 2024
