UnNews:Everyone suddenly a fucking gorilla expert

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Harambe resting in 2015. (Picture courtesy of Ferguson, Missouri PD.)

The fallout after zoo officials took a decision to shoot dead Harambe the gorilla has been complicated after it emerged every single person online is a fucking expert on the subject.

Guess which parts of this footage were not circulated on most news shows.

Security members had seconds to decide what to do on Saturday when a four-year-old fell into the gorilla enclosure. After watching the silverback drag the child through a stream like a ragdoll, they took the reluctant decision to shoot him in the face.

However, many online, er, people suggested that they might know different. "I can't help wondering why they didn't use a dart to stun Harambe," said Steven Thompson, who used to really like wildlife documentaries when he was younger. "Wouldn't it have been better just to knock the animal out instead of killing him? They are an endangered species."

Joanna Corey, a web designer who showed her awesome knowledge of primates by describing Harambe as a "male silverback" (as opposed to those female silverbacks who rule bands of gorillas all over Africa) chimed in: "It's clear that he wasn't any threat to the boy, he was just trying to protect him from the screaming visitors."

On the other side of the debate, people who couldn't tell you if a gorilla was a monkey or an ape were claiming that the animal was inherently dangerous, and was likely to pull the young boy's arms off at any moment. Zoologists have noticed a high correlation between this behaviour and the tendency among participants to shout the words "Damn you all to hell" when exposed to the image of a half submerged Statue of Liberty.

Zoo director Thane Maynard has taken to pointing at a framed copy of his résumé, which lists his qualifications and experience in actually, like, running a zoo. He also hands out a leaflet to inquisitive folks explaining that tranquilizer darts are not magic and that sometimes they fail to do anything except anger the animal, which might not have been ideal giving that he was holding the four-year-old at the time.

Many online gorilla experts have since applied their expertise to human parenting, and gone on to troll Michelle Gregg, the mother of the boy.

Sources

• Leverage, "Justice for Harambe: Mother harassed online after gorilla shot dead" BBC, June 1, 2016