UnNews:Paterno legacy secure for now
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 July 2012
University Park, PA – Adding insult to injury, the Pennsylvania State University Board of Trustees decided to commemorate Coach Joe Paterno's role in sexually abusing—in some cases, raping sodomizing--scores of underage boys by erecting a statue to him on the campus. The excuse reason for their decision, a trustee told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, is that “He didn't sodomize any of the boys himself; he just helped cover up his assistant coach's rapes.”
The statue, in bronze, shows Paterno, in suit and tie, his index finger raised in the air, to sample which way the wind of public opinion is blowing at the moment, leading several football players, still in uniform at the moment, onto the playing field. Around the corner, another statue, this one of a lecherous Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky, waits, a nude boy at his side, for his chance to intercept the tight ends and wide receivers from his boss for some private coaching of his own and some play that has more to do with a bat and balls, of a sort, than with a pigskin.
Sandusky, having been convicted of multiple felonies involving contributing to the delinquency of a minor per anum [or “by way of the anus,” for the dumbasses among our readers], is in jail, awaiting sentencing. He is expected to get life without parole, but, most likely, will receive a slap on the wrist and maybe a fine, Board of Trustees members believe.
It is a matter of record that Sandusky molested scores—perhaps hundreds—of adolescent boys, but Paterno's family has bequeathed over $4 million to the university to ensure that the coach's statue remains in place and intact. Bodyguards protect the sculpture from angry parents and the coaches' victims. “They want it torn down to the ground,” Florida State's coach Bobby Brown said, “and it should be. The boys need closure, which isn't easy for victims of male-on-male rape, given the respective size differentials of the orifices and the organs involved, if you get my drift.”
Before he died, Paterno said he regretted not notifying authorities outside Penn State of his assistant coach's “criminal conduct.” He admitted, “If I had it to do over again, I'd have benched Jerry until those boys were eighteen. Then, they wouldn't have been jail bait and my legacy as a coach would be secure.”
Already, that legacy seems to be in danger, despite Paterno's family's $4 million bribe to university administrators. A mural depicted Paterno with a halo around his head, as if he represented the Second Coming of Christ. The halo has been painted over by an anonymous graffiti “artist.” The “touch-up” was not authorized, but, under the circumstances, the halo is not being “restored,” trustee Ken Frazier declared.
Penn State students have suggested that the statue of Sandusky be razed but the one of their beloved Coach Paterno should be retained. However, they also recommend that the children whom Sandusky raped replace the football players following Paterno onto the field, because Paterno's “shameful silence allowed Sandusky to violate all those innocent boys.”
Leaving the statue in place, erect, as it were, “makes perfect sense,” the football team agrees. “We can use it as our urinal on our way in and out of the locker room showers where Sandusky, with Paterno's tacit consent, sodomized his victims.”