UnNews:Parents denounce new Happy Meals toys

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14 October 2007

Phallicism is in the eye of the beholder, Ronald McDonald insists.

SAN FRANCISCO, California - Parents across the nation have denounced McDonald’s newest Happy Meals toys. The playthings feature SpongeBob SquarePants, a popular cartoon character that, some say, is homosexual. “But that’s not why we don’t like the new toys,” Louis Kenner said. “The damned things are shaped like phalli.”

Phalli, Kenner’s wife, Madeline, explained, “are artificial penises, not unlike dildos.”

Ronald McDonald, a spokesman for the Golden Arches, said, “These allegations are as preposterous as they are ridiculous.”

The controversial playthings are simply water toys, he declared. “Their shape is a result of engineering, nothing more,” he added, “and if parents think they look like a penis, that’s because of their own dirty minds.”

New Happy Meals toys are "quite an eyeful," parents say.

It’s possible, McDonald assured Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies to see “penises in everything, just as some people see the devil in everything.”

Parents Against Phalli (PAP) have vowed to boycott the fast-food restaurant chain if it persists in including the toy in its Happy Meals. “Bring back the Little Mermaid,” Pete O’Brien, PAP’s president suggested. “Give us wholesome toys, like Dora the Explorer. We don’t need--and we don’t want--SpongeBob-in-a-Phallus.”

“There is no phallus,” McDonald insisted. “Our restaurant is family friendly; we don’t believe in phalli.”

By pressing a button at the base of the phallus-shaped toy, a child introduces air into the water inside the transparent plastic column in which Spongebob stands, causing bubbles that tickle the character and make him weave and bob.

O’Brien contends that the bubbles and their effect on Spongebob are “not-so-subtle suggestions of orgasm.”

“There are no orgasms in our all-beef patties,” McDonald insisted.

“I’ve always been suspicious of their so-called special sauce, too,” O’Brien said. “What’s in that?”

“It’s a secret,” McDonald said, with a wink.

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