UnNews:New events for next Olympics

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 October 2009

In the name of all that is decent and holy, stop that!

ESCHEN, Liechtenstein -- The International Olympic Committee (IOC) met here today to discuss the entries of two new events for the 2012 Olympics. There hasn't been this much controversy since the days when Tae Kwon Do was first admitted as a sport.

The team sport of Gerbil Calling was first on the roster, introduced by Peter Simpatico of the United States as, "the first truly competitive and not very silly at all sport which calls for special natural talents, hard work and discipline. In the uniting spirit of the Games, this sport welcomes perverts, a minority long overlooked by the international community."

The loudest objections to the admission of gerbil calling were voiced by Rhodes scholar and famous pervert Lyle van der Retegoed, Dutch member of the IOC; "We pervs and weirdos have been falsely portrayed in the press and ridiculed for long enough. Stuffing gerbils up ones ass is an age-old perv tradition, done recreationally for centuries, and strictly for the pleasure of the act. By turning this into a competive sport, we invite the "chic""-ising of disgusting behavior. We saw the calamity this phenomenon brought down on the Gay community; when it became chic to be gay, suddenly everyone's gay; we don't want everyone becoming a pervert, that's all."

Wife beating is a fine tradition and the basis for a healthy democracy.

The second sport up for a vote was 500 meter downhill wife beating, a favorite with Americans and most Islamic countries. Anu Saukko of the Finnish delegation was the first to throw in their support, saying, "We're hoping that this will pave the way for our national sport, wife carrying. Jesus. no one knows who the Hell we Finns are! This could be our path to the international stage."

Outside, members of the International Society for the Prevention and Cruelty to Women (ISPCW) protested the practice of wife beating, even in sport. Says Ingrid Prepuce of St Denis, France. "It gauls me that violence against women is so prevalent, so entrenched in many societies around the world. You'd have to be a complete dick to do it as a sport, or even to satirize it."

Sources

• Cyrus Tralfamador "IOC hears proposals for 2 new events" High Times Magazine, October 30th, 2009