UnNews:New Year Honours List 2013

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2 January 2013

The Queen's face lit up as she oversaw the writing of this page.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- This year, as she has done every year since assassinating her predecessor Queen Victoria, the Lord Majesty Right Honourable Queen Elizabeth II floated down from the stars above to bestow meaningful, meaningful awards on the good people of the United Kingdom, the realm which has quivered under her fearful rain [1] for six blood-soaked decades.

The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire [2][edit | edit source]

Knight Grand Cross (GBE - also know as, 'proper knights')

  • Sir Sean `One does not simply walk into Mordor` Bean - services rendered to internet memes.
  • Sir Gerard Depardieu - services rendered against France's economy.
  • Sir Mitt Romney - services rendered to Barack Obama.


Dame Grand Cross (GBE - 'proper dames')

  • Dame Jamie Lynne Grumet - services to breast-feeding. [3]
  • Dame Whitney Houston - services to the pharmaceutical industry.
  • Dame-Dame Maggie Smith - services to the 'Dame' industry.


Knight/Dame Commander (KBE/DBE - 'not real knights or dames') [4]

The Queen takes a hard line on paedophilia. Savile is now only Knight Commander.


Commander of the British Empire (CBE - 'the thing Michael Caine has')

  • Joseph Kony - services to traditional exploitation of African children.
  • New Delhi bus drivers - services to traditional raping of Indian women.
  • Francesco Schettino, (Captain of the Costa Concordia) - services to traditional sinking of Italian ships.


Officer of the British Empire (OBE - 'commoners who are nationally recognised')

A jubilant Carol Steven1s braves the cold outside Buckihgham Palace.
  • ODB - just because it's fun to say his full name now. ODB OBE RIP.
  • Mo Farah - inventor of the Mobot.
  • Jessica Ennis - because British girls wanted to be her, and British boys wanted to do her.
  • Everyone else who participated in the Team GB British Olympic team!!!
  • The cast of Geordie Shore - for making Americans feel less shame over Jersey Shore.
  • Ed Miliband - for trying his hardest in spite of having unelectable eyes.
  • David Cameron - for remembering his last pastie convincingly.


Member of the British Empire (MBE - 'commoners who are locally recognised')

  • Jason Barnbridge - for sweeping a continuous line from Land's End to John o' Groats.
  • Barry Sanderson - for greeting his neighbours for the last three decades with one of the following expressions, "Cold today, ennit?" or "Hot today, ennit?"
  • Stephen Nathaniels (Prince William lookalike) - for unspecified services to Kate Middleton.
  • Margaret Weatherford - for being a white headmistress in a predominantly black school for ages.
  • Stanley Mathers - for being a school caretaker for 40 years without being a nonce.
  • Terry and Carol Stevens (right) - for running a foster home for 22 years, specialising in cheese-children.
  • Timothy Savile - for sterling voluntary work as a local children's hospital DJ, in mental health units, and organising fund-raising marathon runs and camping weekends for underage mute children.


Foot in glass slipper notes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ No, not 'reign'. Rain. Have you seen the weather lately?
  2. ↑ Please note that Bill and Ted jokes are punishable by execution.
  3. ↑ The name you have forgotten, the picture you have not: http://cbsnewyork.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/time-cover.jpg?w=300
  4. ↑ These are men or women who would have otherwise qualified for full GBE status but for a deficiency or race, limbs, etc.


Sources[edit | edit source]

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