UnNews:NASA Report Attempts to Describe Massive Black Hole at Center of Universe

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 November 2011

The giant black hole at the center of the universe has an unyeilding appetite that cannot be satisfied.

WASHINGTON--The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) today released the first in-depth study of what astrophysicists have deemed “Giant Black Hole Theory of the Milky Way Galaxy, and Beyond.”

The report, which deals black holes larger than anything encountered before, imagines that the black hole at the center of our galaxy could exceed 1 million times the size of our sun.

“We are talking, some BIG ASS holes,” said Dr. Rolleta Ross, author of the report during the mission press conference. “And when you quote me, I don’t want to see any of dat “Ross” stuff either. You can either call me Dr. Ross, or MISS Ross, you hear?”

The 1,500 page report details the black hole at the center of the Milky Way, that consumes a major planet every 100 years. And when that happens the black hole belches our burst of x-rays, gamma rays and negative pent up ions into the cosmic atmosphere.

“What did you say? How big is this? Do I look like I know how big this thing is? Like in feet or meters? Hell, no! It's just BIG!" said Dr. Ross in her presenation.

"It's big like God is when you are singing 'Rocka My Soul in the Bosom of Abraham': "So big you can't go over it, so low you can't go under it. It's so wide you can't around it you gotta go through the door" BIG! That's how big it is."

When asked if she could describe the function of the black hole, Dr. Ross demurred.

"Do I look like I know? No. You listen. You had your turn now you listen. I don’t know what it does. No one does. We know it does something. We know that every hundred years it swallows a planet, or six, but we have no idea what it does with them. And that’s the conclusion of the report. And that will scare the shit out of some of you."

When asked if Black Holes in general could be portals to forming new universes she said "Have you even looked through this report? I can tell you that I am not going to do your work for. Now I have read this report because I helped write it. But you need to read this report for yourself."

When asked to clarify her statement, Dr. Ross did so.

"Were you not listening? LOOK AT ME! I am not going read this report to you, that's what I said. You wanna know what's in it you gonna have to read it yo-self. That's right. READ IT YO-SELF." She also added "And all y'all need check your work because I don’t want anyones of you writing that I am talking about ‘big assholes’ cause what I’m talking to you about is some ‘big ass’ big black holes. You know what I’m saying’?”

NASA looked to other countries astrophysics expertise, making the panel behind the report multinational.

"We also did it because NASA funding has been slashed to nothing, so countries like the United Kingdom, Russia, Albania, Belgium and the Republic of Vera Heruba Ralston in the Caribbean were able to pick up our tab in trade for being named to this prestious committee," said Charles F. Bolden, the agency's head administrator.

Speaking behalf of the multinational members, and calling the massive black hole a "silent monster that lies in wait for its prey," guest commission member, Belgian physicist Dr. Roland Flambeau, noted that the entity is as mysterious as it is large.

"What is compelling this black hole to do what it does? What are its motivations? And happens to matter once it is digested?" posed Flambeau. "Do you know? I don’t know. No one knows. But we think it's similar to Tourette's Syndrome. But we do not know for certain because the Black Hole is too far away, and even though our earth will eventually be consumed by it we are moving away from it as the universe expands."

Doctors Ross and Flambeau both agreed that the general population should be fascinated by the phenomena, but that it shouldn’t cause people to lay in their beds at night wondering what the future holds.

"We would especially add that those who smoke massive amounts of marijuana should not sit around the bong inhaling TCH laced smoke, which causes expansive conceptual moments and consider that despite the boundaries of our real world that space is infinite only to the degree that we do not know that is outside our realm of reason," Flambeau pointed out.

"To do so would cause people to have a very bad experience because while our rational mind knows that there must be something out, we as humans have no hope of ever solving that riddle."

"And resistance," added Dr. Ross, "is fu-tile. That’s what the man is saying. Now are we done because I am hungry and we got food for everyone because the condemned eat a hearty meal, you know what I saying?"

Participants at the meeting dined on a fried chicken and waffle dinner, and Milky Way bars for dessert.

"What did I say? Resistance is futile. Let me say that again. Resistance is fu-tile, whether you are a human, or a big ass black hole." said Dr. Ross, as she looked over the crowd. "Now you see what I’m sayin’?"

Sources

• KFC "Evidence That Black Holes Eat Planets And Asteroids Too" Technology Review, November 2, 2011