Secret Governmental Report Number 244212

Scientists question whether an asplosion of the Sun would create a Matrix-style breakdown of reality, but without Keanu Reeves. Or that chick in the PVC.

“Ass what now?”

~ Noel Coward

Secret Governmental Report Number 244212 (also called "Secret Governmental Report #244212 [and] Secret Governmental Report on Solar Devastation", and later codified as 69 U.S.C. § 9001) was a secret (then top-secret) governmental report which began under the presidency of Franklin D. Roosevelt. Following an evening of cheap German lager and enough Isaac Asimov books to sink a battleship a group of jobless theoretical philostophers and social scientists put together a thesis that begins: "Recent studies have shown that in all likihood the Sun will asplode one day, time is of affliction ..." which was submitted for publication during the summer of 1944. A cut down, highly condensed version would reach the White House later that year.

Following sixty years of study, and billions of dollars spent, the primary result of the research was the release of a forty-four word statement in 2008 that "It is clear to this agency that [the splosion] should somehow be prevented, since the massive lack of light and warmth would make it increasingly hard to keep the cost of living at an acceptable level in the United States of America."

A diagram from the report shows the Sun lurking menacingly

History

The original fourteen-page document was subject to review by a number of eminent scientists of the era who concluded that the report was "ripe" for further study. Initially a ninety-man review team was put in place at a secret base in Hawaii from where they announced to Congress that they could "stay assured that any time the astronomers inform us that the Sun has a sploded, we will act without delay!"

In 1945 Harry S. Truman set up the U.S. Senate Special Committee to Investigate the National Defence Program should the Sun A Splode to study the US response to any potential solar acts that would threaten the sovereignty of the United States or its interests overseas. Relocating to a holiday resort, Pompano Beach in Florida, the committee would work on forming the initial structure for the report.

Their early findings indicated that "even though it would take light from a splosion eight minutes to reach us, according to Newton's gravitational theory knowledge of the splosion would be instantaneously transmitted [and would] devastate the American way of life."

During his tenure as President, George W Bush added the following statement to the document using his favourite red crayon in late 2001: "We are doing everything we can. The situation is totally under control. The Sun has no right to threaten our freedom."

Key findings

The group first completed a Key Findings Report during the summer of 1969 which detailed the following suggestions:

1. Increase the number of white people within the country especially in important, well paid jobs. White people reflect light, and therefore radiation, to a much better degree than black people.
2. Study data from our Lunar mission to work out the logistics of placing the Moon in the position of a protective shield above the nation.
3. Secure funding for further study.
4. Profit?
5. Goto 3.

Plans to set Jupiter alight may provide heat and warmth for mankind for several generations.

Critical response

Reactions have been mixed following the release of the report, which remains divisive in the interpretation of the result. The Institute for the Study of Critical Response to Governmental Reports collected a great deal of conclusive feedback.

A number of environmental groups and other people who should get proper jobs were quick to point out that they "had been right [all along; who looks] fucking stupid now, eh?"

“I see how the Green Party would profit from a sploding the Sun! They would just blame big business and get all the credit of having warned us beforehand! The Sun is a splode because of your gross neglect of the environment, you capitalist swine! Replace the rainforests right away!”

~ "Anonymous", in American Fundie Magazine

Michael Crichton (a retired candlestick maker from Ohio, often mistaken for the deceased best-selling author of Jurassic Park) tentatively welcomed the news. "The candlestick industry has suffered massively since the invention of electricity during the 19th century. With the Sun gone and a greater need for light during what used to be the daytime I could see a greater need for candlesticks."

Speaking from his seafront home in Florida Stephen King (no relation to the author of some of best American horror stories for a generation), a multimillionaire mogul of the Solar Power Industry, added "The candlestick industry is behind the splosion to a man. Electricity generated by the Sun has robbed many a candlesticker of his livelihood and driven him into the streets to die in squalor."

See also

• Movie by Roland Emmerich based on the Report

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