UnNews:Lon Chaney endorses Kamala Harris
Tuesday, October 8, 2024
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Dick and Liz aren't the only surprising names endorsing Kamala Harris for president. Legendary silver screen horror actors Lon Chaney Sr. and Jr. are the latest Chaneys to announce their endorsement.
"Donald Trump scares the daylights out of me," the famed Phantom of the Opera villain told UnNews exclusively.
"Say what you will about Trump, but these J.D. Vance memes always have me howling," Chaney Jr. butted in.
Sr. continued: "Project 2025 should scare everybody. Trump wants to turn back to clock to when I was alive... or earlier. He wants women to be Handmaids. He wants a theocracy. He wants to ban and prosecute abortion. He wants to murder his enemies. He's literally pitching a real-life Purge. He literally praises Vladimir Putin! Love letters to Kim Jong-un!
"Kamala Harris, on the other hand, is sticking up for all of us, living, dead or undead. She promises to make improve healthcare so much that they can bring my son and I back to life."
"Kamala and Tim are working class. Tim's a union guy, a teacher, a coach, a loveable goofball suburban Midwestern dad. Sure Tim might be a hunter and Kamala might own a gun herself, but I trust they don't have any silver bullets," Jr. reasoned. "The stakes haven't been this high since Son of Dracula!"
The elder Chaney admitted to having "selfish personal reasons" for backing Harris. "She and Tim promised me that they'll search the ends of the earth for my lost films, which comprise the majority of my career. London After Midnight is a top priority for them. But good luck finding a good nitrate reel."
When asked where they stand on the Israel-Palestine-Hamas conflict, both Chaneys said they wouldn't "go there." "Are you trying to get us fucking cancelled?" asked Sr.
"You can't cancel Dad and I. We're already dead!"
"I do wish, though," Sr. conceded, "that these pro-Palestine folks just just shut the hell up! You guys are worse than Bernie Bros! They were just mad that a smart woman was beating their old geezer. And now with this conflict, you're not allowed to say anything, and you're not allowed to not say anything. It's absurd! Jewish people are good. Israelis are good. Palestinians are good. Hamas is bad. Mahas is a terrorist organization. Benjamin Netanyahu is a right-wing trigger-happy maniac! All of these things are true. They are not mutually exclusive. I'm not anti-Semitic. I'm not Islamophobic. I don't support genocide. Get off your goddamn soapbox!"
Would they endorse incumbent President Joe Biden were he still in the race? Sr. laughs. "Fuck, I may be 41 years older than President Jimmy Carter, but geez, can you cut back on the old jokes?
Yes, of course I was stumping for Biden while he was still in the race. I was canvassing like I was Jackson fucking Pollack! And Junior was canvassing like he was Andy Warhol. A bit too pop art for my taste. How is it art to simply paint a Campbell's Soup can or Marilyn Monroe? Or a banana? Or Mick Jagger's crotch? But I digress."
"Well at least my paintings are of something? How the hell is a bunch of splattered paint art?"
I chimed in, "You could say the same thing about dressing up in gobs of horror movie makeup." Then they gave me the death stare.
"I say that as a lover of the genre, and of cinema in general."
Then we all had a hearty laugh.
The Chaneys urged Americans to register to vote and to cast their ballots by November 5, 2024.
