UnNews:Jessica Alba lusts after naked men

Alba in her Fantastic Four nude scene

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 July 2007

HOLLYWOOD, California - Actress Jessica Alba, by all accounts, lives a sheltered life. The Hollywood star, best known for her topless scene as the Invisible Woman in the Fantastic Four film, complains, “I have never seen more than a man’s bare chest. Well, and a couple of arms and legs. And a face.” What she wants to see, in particular, she said, is “the penis.”

“I’m tired of relying on black and white photos of dildos,” she told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “I want to see the real deal, the male member itself, preferably in all its, uh, glory.”

She thinks it is unfair that magazines like Playboy and Hustler show completely nude women, while Cosmo and Elle show “more boob than male booty.” She added, “I mean, sure, I like girls, but I’m not a lesbian. I like a little all-beef wiener in my diet, if you get my drift.”

Although, hypocritically, Alba refuses to bare all (unless she can do so while she’s “invisible”), she said she loves to see her costars in their birthday suits. “Men are chicken, though,” she argued. “They’ll show a little nipple or some bare buns, but they won’t let it all hang out.”

In the next installment of The Fantastic Four, she hopes all three of her male costars will doff their trunks--and their boots and leotards. “My ‘brother,’ Johnny,” she said, “should look hot; after all, in his alter-ego, he’s The Human Torch, and The Thing’s thing should look macho for sure. Best of all, though, would be my ‘husband’s’ manhood. Reed Richards’ ability to stretch any part of his anatomy could really make him Mr. Fantastic on a second honeymoon between him and my character, Sue.”

"I agree, as long as Jessica, joining them, remains visible while nude," Nathan Glitch, a fan of the comic book and the movie series about the four superheroes, said.

But Alba admitted, "That's not happening. I'm such a tease!"

Source

• Lotta Lies "Alba: no nudes isn’t good news (except in her case)" Instantaneous News, 12 seconds ago