UnNews:Israeli settlement built in Manhattan
5 August 2025
New York, New York -- Renegade Israeli settlers opened up a new settlement in a large office tower of a well-known company in the heart of NYC's financial district. The operation, carried out overnight to minimize media attention, seemed to spring out of thin air. "It didn't bother us at first," said Jeff Bezos of Amazon. "The offices on the twentieth floor in our Second Avenue office were empty so we didn't see the harm. But then they started occupying the busy floors, brought bricks and mortar and started walling us out of essential working areas. We complained, but so far we haven't gotten any response from anyone anywhere in the world willing to do anything about it."
As of now, Amazon is more baffled by the settlement than angry with Jeff Bezos completely unwilling to make any comment be it positive or negative. "Turns out the titled ownership of the office is difficult to explain as there are multiple owners deeding the office through various agencies and may in fact be a front business for one of our subsidiaries based in the Virgin Islands. This means fighting it in court could mean exposing our own illicit and highly monopolistic operations abroad, which we think the settlers knew about and why they picked our building. I probably shouldn't have said any of this ..." Bezos finished. Our investigators inquired at the New York registry of deeds as to the ownership of the office but they felt more comfortable avoiding the question with one clerk saying, "I wouldn't wade into this conflict even if you gave me a million shekels." A physical visit to the records office proved fruitless as the receptionist's coffee break began the moment we arrived.
Minutes after news agencies announced the new Israeli settlement, the Ayatollah of Iran denounced the move as a provocation and declared a fatwah on Taylor Swift, complaining that her songs were numerous but relentlessly about the same subject. Asked what that had to do with the settlement the Ayatollah replied, "No one listens to anything we have to say about world conflict anymore, but hopefully at least we can make a difference in the increasing banality of American pop culture. A fatwah on her music!"
Al Mudallah, the current leader of Hamas, went on record saying: "That Manhattan office has been an integral part of Palestinian territory for centuries if not decades and its occupation by Israeli settlers is yet more evidence that these Zionist imperialists will take every last straw and push every red button, including in the New York financial district. We will not stop until we get the office back to its true and traditional owners, till the soil of their olive trees and shepherd goats down its halls once again on Second Avenue!"
Both Israeli settlers and Palestinian authorities are loath to make any move on the office, as currently ICE agents are directed to shoot any Middle Eastern looking person on site looking suspicious on site, and for those who don't look suspicious, escort them to a luxurious rehabilitation center in El Salvador.
Elders of the new settlement deny that that choosing an office in the financial district has anything to do with the location of their new settlement. "We just have a yearning to be in touch with our homeland. Living in our ancestral home is one way of connecting ourselves with our faith. Being able to walk next door and have someone diversify my portfolio and hedge my derivatives is a secondary consideration, even tertiary. Its New York for Jesus sake, I mean, do you think we came here for the public school system?" commented an ordinary faithful Jewish settler on the synergy of stock indemnisation.
As of now, no one really knows what to do. Mayor hopeful Mamdami was asked what he would do if he became Mayor. "I'm not touching this one with rubber gloves on and a twenty-yard stick, any comment I make, negative or positive will absolutely burry my mayoral campaign. But no matter what happens, this is a great day for America," he said, walking down the street kissing babies and handing out flyers with hammers and sickles.
President Trump, while questioned about America's recent veto of the UN resolution against Israeli settlements in the Middle East and in Manhattan took an unusually calm measured tone. "The UN is a useless organization, corrupt and full of terrible nasty losers. We will veto any sanction against our allies Israel, even if it involves a settlement on our own sovereign land. These settlers are amazing people. They're absolutely fantastic and are doing great things. We want them to keep doing their amazing things and I say, people should stop brining up Epstein all the time for no reason and instead support these great Israeli settlers in Manhattan, instead of the loser nasty Democrat mayor so called candidate Mamdami who wants to turn Manhattan into a radical left Soviet shithole.
Plans for the settlers to expand into the neighboring buildings have not been denied by settlers. "What do you expect, we are fifty people in a Manhattan office, of course based on natural growth we will have to take over an office or two or maybe several dozen skyscrapers over the next few weeks, but again, no one's doing nothing with that space so how does that affect anyone?" said a settler holding five babies. Occupants of the new settlement are wasting no time on image control or public opinion.
A few neighboring high schools held a protest outside the lobby of the building where the settlement is headquartered. The Israeli Defense Force proportionately replied by firebombing thirty-two secondary schools in Manhattan and then blocked all rescue vehicles on their way to save the burning children. The Israeli Defense Force later admitted that a few mistakes were made as their intended target was actually the head of Hamas's home in Gaza. After international outrage over the settlers holding back emergency vehicles and rescue efforts, they agreed to allow one emergency vehicle through per day as a show of reconciliation, compassion and peace building.
Trump, busy playing golf in Scotland, was asked to comment on the high school firebombing. His press secretary released a statement noting that school massacres are no reason to limit Americans' right to own guns and that the settlers are wonderful really great people, doing a fantastic job and that Israeli settlements in Manhattan will help Make America Great Again!